Tag Archives: Wishful Thinking

Wishful Thinking – Confrontation

15 Oct

I realize that we might never speak again… But what do I do with all these conversations stuck in my head, that will never take place? A lot of drama, I admit… but best that I try and let it out, until it ceases by itself…

He doesn’t need to hear it, but I need to say it out loud…


Vikram: Meet this weekend?

Me: Sure… How about a play? Or would you rather pretend to not be interested, then watch it anyway, and pretend that you heard it was good but it didn’t work out for you?
Can’t imagine why you felt the need to lie…

Just My Imagination

18 Jan

is this little place I like to go, when I want to go somewhere I cannot go in person. Where the only people around, are by invite only, and who cannot say no. Where conversation is controlled, and decided by me. Where I can speak my mind, unrehearsed yet perfected, with great timing, and receive the response it deserves.
Where I can put people in their place. Where those I want to like me, have no choice but to do so, and those I tend to envy, find the tables turned.

There’s a little place called my imagination where I spent most of my childhood, and nearly every night, as I still do so. There’s a little place called my imagination where I escape every time life feels so wrong. There’s a little place called my imagination, that weakens me from the core. My vice, my weakness, my imagination.

Yearnings for a canine

15 Oct

I’d completely forgotten how much I loved dogs. How strange it is, the absence of any dogs around me, apart from threatening looking strays.

Then I came across this website : http://letslivetogether.wordpress.com/

And now those yearnings are coming rushing back.

So I don’t know how long I’m in this city, and I know for a fact that the sister won’t be indulgent. What do I do? Wait for her to leave, then move into a house, and pick up my new baby?

I love cute dogs, and frankly, I have NO idea why I don’t have one yet!

Khan he really do it?

16 Feb

Not only can he do it, he did it!

Yep, am talking about MNIK.

Karan Johar successfully took a brilliant plot, a fantastic storyline and mixed it into one of his melodramatic works that he honestly should’ve left behind in the 20th (more like 19th) century! And I rather doubt he has the right to portray America’s handling of emergencies in such an inefficient fashion. I’d like my American friends to watch the film and tell me if the country is likely to desert victims of a natural disaster when the area is as accessible as it was in the film.

But full credit goes to him for attempting to make a film with as brilliant a concept as the one this had. And full points to him for bringing Kajol and Sharukh on screen together without the chemistry that we always loved and adored. Now I won’t be so eager to see them act next to each other in the future.

All in all, a very, very mediocre film. Enjoyable moments, despicable ones too. I give it 3 on 5.

On a side-note, watching SF was quite a pleasure. Makes me long for being in the US yet again. Though at a more subtle level, I look at how an immigrant from this part of the world is likely to be treated there, and I’m forced to reconsider. Maybe if I could live on Wisteria Lane…

Anyhow, I thought I’d given that a long-needed break… The yearning to move to the States. And then I thought that I’d rather do Europe. And in between all that longing for everything out of reach, I’d told myself that being a first-grade citizen in India was pretty cool too… Yep, I want everything and I’m incapable of being satisfied with what I have. That’s established then. Nothing new there…

Je parle Français

12 Nov

I don’t know why I’ve kept it to myself this long, since the news came one day post that of the internship, but here it is now.

I was accepted into 2 of the 3 courses in France that I was interviewed for, end of last month. A decision on the third will come after an indefinite amount of time.

So I’ve decided to pursue one of the two programs, which I’ve been told is offered by a reputed college. Should I manage to complete all formalities, I should be flying to France towards September end, for at least a year and a half, if not more!
In order to fare better in my scholarship application (which would cover my entire tuition fee of 10k Euros ) I must start brushing up my French. Thus, I have a French book in my bag at all times, and Audio lessons on my iPod. I can proudly say that it’s going quite well; rather, “ce va très bien!”

Naturally, I’m not too excited about it because I’m almost positive that it won’t materialize eventually, but one can enjoy the moment while it lasts, n’est ce pas?

Right then, exams start Monday. A bientôt, mes amies!

Dilution of Concentration

23 Jun

So I won’t deny that I have serious concentration issues. My mind races from one series of thoughts to another in a speedy and seamless manner, and I have little voluntary control over it, myself. This seriously affects my studies, and as I’ve now discovered, will probably but my productivity at work by 75-80 per cent, when the time comes.
The flow of thoughts from one issue, event, scenario, situation… mostly fictional… hampers my very peace of mind, and has yet become, or maybe always been a part of me, triggering a host of other ailments such as absent-mindedness, inability to multi-task and so on. So one would think I have enough obstacles at hand to deal with already, right? What with all the work to be done, and so many thoughts that I will unsuccessfully attempt to repress, there’s just so much I can do, and my hands are full.

Then why on earth (can someone please explain to me) has a hot, white guy suddenly appeared on a nearby desk? Extremely nearby! No, I cannot see him but I can perpetually hear him on his phone calls, which are work-related and of little interest to me, but yet I listen.

Okay, I admit I was exaggerating a bit up there. Most of my thoughts are still fixated on Shiney. Today, I was daydreaming about being arrested and put into prison, but then being acquitted but not wanting to come out because I was in put in the same cell as him.
Sick, I know!

Get over him already, Unsung… He doesn’t swing your way 😦

Return to Sanctum

12 May

It was after over 4 years that I escaped again, last night. Escaped to my refuge from the world around me, all obstacles, tasks, trials and tribulations.

Through most of my childhood, I had the uncanny ability of what most would call daydreaming. Even with my eyes open, I would mentally and spiritually disappear to my sanctuary. When I was riding the bus to school in the morning, when classes were proceeding, when I was riding the bus home, while I was lying in my bed at night, waiting to fall asleep.
Amusing as this may sound to some of you, my sanctuary was a concert stage, with a large audience before me. And I would sing all my favourite songs that reflected my mood, never a positive one because I would never have to visit the sanctuary then.
But I would sing, and they would listen. I never saw my audience, but they were there. All I could see and feel was myself. On the stage. Emoting. Escaping. By singing. Not so much singing as performing… introducing each song, the original artist. And eventually introducing my own compositions too.

In the past years, I found enough happiness in life that I never needed to revisit my sanctuary. When I dreamed, I would visit other places… mostly real ones. But when I tried visiting the stage, it would all be hazy and I could never quite feel myself on it.
As I lay on my bed last night, I tried again. I was allowed in.

Not much has changed.

Summer Calling

28 Feb

So I have to complete a technical training this summer. In the winters, when I was at home, I planned to get a nice long one in Bangalore. Then the semester started, I made some 2-3 friends online, based in Delhi. No romantic angles or possibilites, but just normal, gay friends to hang out and be myself with.

So should it be Bangalore or Delhi? The school-friend (say Pradeep) who discovered me (refer previous post) recommended the party scene in Delhi and Bombay, and condemned Bangalore. Then again, Bangalore is the gay capital of India.
There’s lesser freedom in Delhi, because I’d be at home. There’s lesser freedom in Bangalore because I’d be living with the sister, and she’d perpetually be around!

Then again, I’d meet up with the several recently acquired gay friends in Delhi, and I’d coax Pradeep into familiarising me with the party circuit.
Alternatively, I’d venture out alone in B’lore, in a city where rules are fewer, and no one knows me, and find the scene myself.

Today, the results to my application for an international summer internship came in. I kept my expectations as low as I could, bearing in mind what a disappointment last year was.
I made one 🙂
So I just might end up spending the summer in a tropical country south of America, in the south hemisphere. Known for sunny beaches, hot HOT men and so on and so forth!

Fingers crossed 😀

Heterosexual inclinations

21 Nov

Heterosexual love can be beautiful! (How odd that sounds, Heehee!)

I’m presently watching “PS – I love you” and am only 10 minutes through the film. This has to be the first non-homosexuality-themed film I’m watching in a long, long time, mainly because I don’t get much time to watch films, and the little time I manage to seek out, I prefer spending watching Gay Cinema.
This film’s review on IMDB suggests that it is going to take a rather an extremely upsetting direction in a bit, so I thought I’d write this little stub now itself, before these emotions passed.

I cannot expressed how overwhelmed I am by the relationship these 2 seem to have (Hillary Swank and Gerard Butler). They are so amazing together, and I’m actually feeling equally attracted to both. Okay no, slightly more attracted to the guy. Right, much more attracted to the guy. But the point is that I feel I could smother Hillary with kisses as well. (Yes, I know Ramby. Eww!)

Sometimes I wish I was heterosexual and could enjoy the purity of the relationship that these two (and maybe Chandni and her boy, and D and hers, but no, not every heterosexual couple…definitely none on Desperate Housewives!) have. I watched an episode of QueerAsFolk earlier today, after a long time, and Michael said how “guys tend to ‘slip’ once in a while, and that’s human.” I suppose that’s one aspect of being in a relationship I’m definitely not looking forward to. Would hate to slip, and wouldn’t know what to say if the better half did so.

Sigh! Now I shall proceed with the rest of the film.

Oh yes, don’t forget to catch the cutest hetero~ couple shot on camera so far on “P.S. – I Love You”, a film that presently appears to be very promising!

PS – I Love You (all)

PS 2 – Hillary Swank has amazing hair, that lucky B.

PS 3 – If she had died in the film instead, maybe I could’ve had a chance at him 😛 (No, this is not a spoiler. It’s in the synopsis!)

My little Angel, Some day we’ll be together

11 Oct

I came across this article about the same time I opened Kris’s blog to discover the same mentioned in a slew of articles on homosexuality, included in Tehelka’s next edition. Needless to say, I was fascinated with the first paragraph itself. Those very words that I have repeated time and again, over and over, were written before me; and I am not alone.

IT’S ONLY RECENTLY THAT I have felt that I could afford to bring up a child. And, since then, I have been seriously considering surrogacy, of asking a woman friend whether she would have my child. Because I do want it to be my child. I know adoption is an option but the idea of having my own baby sounds wonderful.


I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want to be a father and I have always known I wanted a daughter.

Vinay Chandran, “Homosexuality does not preclude Paternity”, Tehelka, 18th October 2008

I remember a casual dinner with Alika some months ago. We were conversing on growing up, marriage, parenthood. As usual, I commented on how I’d probably never get married but wanted a child and would probably have one by myself. She initially must have thought that I was joking, but since I’ve said it so often, she knew that maybe at some level, I meant it. She then got all serious and said, “UP, you cannot be serious. A child needs a mother. Especially a girl.”

Of course, I have no way of convincing her that I’d be a good father, mother and everything to my own baby. But then, I don’t really need to prove anything to her. What about to myself? I could only prove it with time.

But my mind wanders. I am only a bit over 20. I have a long way to go, enormous amounts to see. Who knows what lies ahead? Who can say that one’s mind won’t change in time? That tomorrow, when I’m out there… I’ll still want a child?

And that is of what I am afraid.