Tag Archives: The Past

Sadke

1 Jan

Before my sleep broke for the last time this morning, I had a very moving dream, one in which I could truly not distinguish from reality.

In my dream, I was sitting in my old house, in the study with my grandfather before me. Somehow, I was congnizant of the fact that he was about to pass, and sitting there before him listening him to talk of his days, I wanted to keep sitting instead of politely listen and subsequently sneak away upstairs to the solitude I loved so much.

As I sat there, I was aware of the fact that those were his last days. Five minutes later, he had moved to his bed, to rest a while, and I stood around, filled with fear that he wouldn’t rise again. I was almost outside his bedroom, and I could see him taking very deep, uncomfortable breaths. And I was torn between wanting to stay there, with him through his last moments, or run away and not have to witness one of the most painful events of my history. I was conscious of the fact that should I happen to preempt anything that happened then, it would change the last 4 years, some for good (possibly my cousin’s subsequent passing) and some for bad (none come to mind, but who wants to risk waking up one morning and knowing a part of their history’s been rewritten overnight?)

Eventually, I decided to somehow try and preempt the incident. I ran beside him, asking him loudly if he was okay, and he wanted something. He asked for some water, which I ran to get. By the time I returned, I recall him clambered on a wall, and as I brought the glass of water to his lips, he babbled like a child. I screamed for my mother, and that’s when I woke up.

Ironically enough, none of what I had seen in the dream was actually true. My grandfather had passed away most unexpectedly, in the midst of his morning walk one day after my birthday, when my parents were travelling between my college town and my sisters, and both my sister and I were away to college. Only a day before, he had called me to wish me a happy birthday and tell me that he’d transferred some money to my account (which turned out to be unusually large). After his passing, people would say he died a saint’s death, at the time that he had wanted to… having sent away everyone around him, in the middle of his walk, all by himself. At the same time, he had left quite a few things undone.

All said and done, this dream gave me, if nothing else, a few very precious moments with him, prior to the chaos, when we both sat in our old house, he on his standard chair. Except instead of reading as he always did, or watching television, he was playing with plasticine, which in hindsight makes no sense, but in the dream, I had interpreted to be some hobby of his generation of folks.
His voice was clear as crystal, as melodious as it always sounded to all of us who loved him, and that moment… brief as it was… was so valuable.

I was afraid that in these last nearly 4 years, memories of him would fade, and he would become less significant in my daily life, which is true. However, this dream reinvoked his memory and reminded me of just how broken I was… we all were… when he passed away so suddenly; and of how fiercely I loved him, and always will.

Parting Ways

8 Oct

So one third of the triangle that I’d written about a couple of months ago will board a flight, and leave for good. He was a good friend. I enjoyed the time I spent with him immensely. I cannot imagine what he must feel like, leaving a town after spending 5 formative years in it. To me, too, it’s the loss of a the best friend I’ve made here so far, my friend, my confidant.

Yes, I know he’s just a phone-call away. But the thought that I wouldn’t be able to meet him as often as I want is terribly unpleasant, and I wish I’d spent more time with him, because he’s just so much fun to be around.

As for the other third of the triangle, the one I felt so strongly for, I’ve also decided to exclude him from my life, what with how reliant I was becoming on him, and how unreceptive he has been.

So I’m deprived of two very close gay friends, possibly the only people I thought I could count on.

That’s life… People leave. Some physically, some metaphorically. But the show must go on, right?

Looking back…

19 Sep

I can’t imagine why I’m not blogging so frequently anymore. And why I’m not reading either. There’s absolutely no excuse! (Maybe once I get my own terminal at work?)

Excuses, excuses, excuses… Has anyone here ever told me how disgustingly full of excuses I am?
(My mother does it all the time, but whoever listens to one’s own mother???)

So I was going through my archives. For some reason, when I was down in the dumps yesterday, head over heals about umm… Suraj… I turned to my archives for some sort of solace. Why? I thought that maybe if I read my posts and come across similar instances, I’ll realize how I’ve been through this before, and that this crazy yearning goes away in time.
Well, I’m yet to come across appropriate posts, because I’ve only read one month’s worth (GEEZ, I whined a lot!).

One observation was that I was less pessimistic when I started out. The pessimism just grew and grew. How could blogging do that to me? Should’ve worked the other way round :-S

One most interesting observation was in a post dated 11th June 2008, which said that Bangalore has more gay parties than Delhi does.
And that I’d love to land up in Bangalore soon for an internship or something so that I could attend one.

Lo Behold! 8 months ago, that’s EXACTLY what happened! But did I attend parties during that internship? No, I did not. Why?

I told myself that I wasn’t making enough money to afford the travel, entry, booze yada yada yada.

Lo Behold! 2 months ago, I began making MORE than enough money to do ALL those things above!
In fact, last night during the Great Depression of September 2010, I felt extremely tempted to just get up, get dressed and head to the party nearby, and I still did not. SHAME on me. I said I’d do it next week.

Now I don’t know if I’ll manage next week, since Tanuja’s in town. So I’m POSITIVELY going the week after. It’s another matter that I hope Suraj attends the same, since he mentions attending them once a month or so. 😛

Also, I absolutely HAVE to attend the Support-Group meeting this Thursday! It’s the only Thursday I may be getting off in a long time, hence may not be able to get an opportunity to attend it anytime soon.
I went for one support-group meet a few months ago, while I was interning. Again, told myself I didn’t make enough money to do the night-travel (hiked auto-fares!), but as of 2 months ago, I CAN!

ENOUGH excuses.
The more examples I come across while going through the rest of my blog archives, which I hope I’ll complete till date, I HAVE to start delivering on my pledges!

One pledge I cannot deliver on was last year’s New Years resolution of spending it at Goa. Did you know it can cost anything close to 40-50 thou’s to spend the shortest time through New Year’s there??? No, let’s leave that for next year!

Oh wait a minute… Do I even GET New Years off? :-O

To finish the post with good news, Tanuja was finally asked out by the guy she’s been chasing across oceans for months now! Yay for her 😀 ALL my hags are officially committed. ALL of them!

Dynamic geometric shapes

1 Aug

Did I ever tell you folks about this love-something-like-a-triangle I got into some months ago, here in Bengaluru? No? Well, it went like this.

I met A and B, from the website, on one fine day. Got to know later that A and B were friends since a year, and that A used to like B at some point in time, though I don’t know if it was reciprocated.

Upon interactions with A and B, I sort of fell for A. But B had fallen for me. So there we had it. B liked me, and I liked A, and A had liked B (in the past). But A and B had a falling out, and didn’t talk anymore, so it was awkward but not so much anymore.

Over time, when A would keep telling me about this guy he was into, I’d be mildly troubled but not so much. Soon, I sort of got over him, and the feelings went away.

Recently, when I was spending time at B’s, and a bit of involuntary snooping revealed an online conversation between A and B (soon after I’d met them, before A and B had the fallout) in which it was revealed that A had liked me initially, but since I had mentioned in passing that I was selective about people I ‘did it’ with, A didn’t express his feelings to me ever. Another conversation suggested that B might’ve gotten over me somewhat, though the authenticity of the emotion expressed by B was slightly uncertain.

So now I don’t feel so strongly for A, A used to like me but may or may not anymore and B said to someone else that he got over me, but I’m not so sure about that since he claims otherwise (but might be attempting mind games with me).

Puzzling as it is, all emotions are in control hopefully, and it doesn’t matter so much anymore.

Coming to a close…

17 Jun

As Monday looms large, thus comes to an end to my freedom… Well, till July. Time to head home soon. Would be quite happy to get out of this brilliant office (Sarcastic, yes… In spite of the fact that it helped me score a 10 pointer in my last semester at college. Ungrateful, I know!), yet quite upset at leaving the life that I have carved out for myself here. Depression comes in quotas, and then there are brilliant moments too. It’s almost like Yin and Yang.

For instance, I discovered not more than a month ago just how brilliant a terrace I have above my apartment that is NEVER used. Though it’s almost time to move out of there, I won’t forget the few but memorable experiences I had on that terrace 🙂 Late night phone conversations, making out, making advances or just having a smoke (alone and with company).

Thus, the hour approaches to leave it all behind, and head home (albeit temporarily) to the oppressive Delhi heat, literally no freedom and an atmosphere of gloom (owing to recent events in the family. I’m not being dramatic!)

It’s a small world!

3 Jun

Long story No. 1 short, I met someone on the networking website, we chatted on the phone a bit, met up soon after, I took him back to my terrace, we sat there talking for hours (exchanging gossip about lots of people we have in common), made out, got dirty, moved to my bedroom, got REALLY dirty, slept on the same side of the bed, he’s obsessed with me, I’m trying to keep it casual, blah blah. We talk on the phone for ages everyday.

The conversation this evening took the following turn:

Me: I’m taking your advice and walking back home from aunt’s house…

Him: Good boy!

Me: It’s 2 kilometres!

Him: That’s okay. I trekked 30 kms once in this camp I went for. I had 2 activities there… trekking and astronomy.

Me: OMG, what was this camp called?

Him: “I Discover Me”. They have lots of camps every year.

Me: OMG, I went for that too!! And I ALSO did trekking and astronomy…

*Long conversation on the activities that we’d both gone for, on our own times*

Him: We had this long night-out experience. We were out for 2 whole nights.

Me: Vaise, we might have gone within a year or two of each other… When did you go for yours?

Him: Now THAT I don’t remember…

Me: What year were you, in school?

Him: No clue!

Me: Lol! It would be so funny if we went to the same camp together!!!

Him: Do you remember anyone from your camp?

Me: Well, there was this REAAALLLYY hot guy called S*@&#@ K*#$#.

Him: DUDE, you are FREAKING me OUT!

Me: WHHHHHHHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’re KIDDING right?

Him: DDDDUUUDDDDDEEEE!!

Me: SSSSMMMMMAAALLLL world!

*Exclamations*

Me: I wonder if I can manage to remember you…

Him: I remember SK got very pally with this guy in camp. He was even very protective of him for some time…

Me: DUDE, that was ME! OMGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! What a SMALL world!!!!!!

Departure…

25 May

this could POSSIBLY be the last time I’m coming here, though I truly hope it isn’t.

But what is it about this town that makes me have such bittersweet emotions about it? The same old streets, the same old eateries… The same roads to walk on, the same hangout points… How much am I attached to it really? What makes me think about it so?

Is it because I invested 4 of what were supposed to be the best years of my life into it? My youth? My prime?

Except that it wasn’t my youth, my prime. 4 forgettable years that I don’t want to forget.

What do I hold against this place? That I had to attend lectures? No. That I was always so confused about who my friends were? No. That I had nobody special? Maybe. No sex? Possibly, though I wish it weren’t. (Not like I’m doing anything about it now.) That subsequent batches of students, with their youth, enthusiasm and innocence make me feel old and forgotten? Possibly.

I look at the people here and I pity those who remained for the last six months, in the prime of idle-ness.

Why do I feel like I just “existed” here, and accomplished little? Why do I feel that I’ve been cheated? Why do I feel like I have failed to capitalize on what this land of zero-opportunity had to offer?

Why do I wish I could have the last 4 years of my life back, when I possibly cannot think of anything better to do with them?