Tag Archives: The Future

Introspection

13 Apr

The more I look inside, the more I learn about myself… The more I accept myself for who I am… The sicker it drives me.

I deserve to be alone. Why subject anyone to the complexity of my nature? The self-centeredness of my thoughts? What have I to offer save for a lot of unnecessary, imagined drama?

The heart may be good, the intentions may be pure… but the mind is just sick. And it deserves to be alone. It deserves to drive itself up the wall, over the cliff, into the sea.

I am and deserve to be my own enemy. Why harm another innocent uncomplicated mind, so pointlessly?

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An interesting turn of Events…

5 Dec

So the French dream ended even before it had started. So what? Everything happens for a reason, right?

After all, it’s not everyday that a fellow gets recruited by the maker of your operating system!
Indeed, in about 8 months, I shall indeed be employee by Cromifost (Yes, you’re going to have to rearrange the letters, a bit 😉 )

And I thought that all I would take away from this college would be an ability to drink (a lot)! Well, even that’s going to come in handy now 😛

The final Final Exam…

26 Nov

is over.

Almost a graduate.

One step closer. To the next phase of my life.

So much uncertainty.

Soon I shall embark on another Journey. It’s terrifying.

I’m not looking forward to it at all. This past one was a good one. I don’t want to move on.

But then, do I have a choice? Why can’t we stagnate a little longer?

Yes indeed, you certainly know…

23 Nov

… when it’s finally time to move on.

Or maybe it’s not. Maybe you’re just having a bad day.

But that’s what’s so fantastically uncertain about the future, n’est ce pas? You don’t really know until you’ve experienced change. And then, there’s no turning back.

We cannot stop time. We can only regret that it passed.
Maybe not.
But then, maybe yes.

Je parle Français

12 Nov

I don’t know why I’ve kept it to myself this long, since the news came one day post that of the internship, but here it is now.

I was accepted into 2 of the 3 courses in France that I was interviewed for, end of last month. A decision on the third will come after an indefinite amount of time.

So I’ve decided to pursue one of the two programs, which I’ve been told is offered by a reputed college. Should I manage to complete all formalities, I should be flying to France towards September end, for at least a year and a half, if not more!
In order to fare better in my scholarship application (which would cover my entire tuition fee of 10k Euros ) I must start brushing up my French. Thus, I have a French book in my bag at all times, and Audio lessons on my iPod. I can proudly say that it’s going quite well; rather, “ce va très bien!”

Naturally, I’m not too excited about it because I’m almost positive that it won’t materialize eventually, but one can enjoy the moment while it lasts, n’est ce pas?

Right then, exams start Monday. A bientĂ´t, mes amies!

Different People

28 Oct

In High School, there were times when she renounced comforts to live in deplorable conditions. Even in those situations, she found reason to cheer. Whatever the adversities she faced, she took them head on, with a smile.

In High School, he always struggled to stay in his comfort zone. He didn’t know what he wanted, and the little inkling he had, he never pursued. He didn’t have the courage, or he simply thought he wouldn’t succeed. He thought injustice was being done unto him. It was, but by himself alone.
He thought that maybe in time and with a change of environment, he’d find more happiness… He did… and he wanted more…

In college, she found avenues, she forged friendships. She worked during the days, sacrificed some evenings, enjoyed the rest. She set targets, she worked towards them. She worked with optimism and dedication. In whatever she accomplished, he found satisfaction.

In college, he cursed that he had chosen the wrong path. He forged friendships that were valuable and he wanted more. When he thought he had enough, he wanted fewer and better friendships. It took him years to return to square one, and then he wanted more. The cycle would begin all over again.
He had the occasional triumph, he thought he could’ve done better. When he succeeded, he trivialized it. Then he would be morose.
He had moments of joy, many moments of joy, but he kept wondering if others were having even more. And he wanted more.
He thought that maybe a change of environment would do him good. He sought to escape, escape from his present and his past. He sought a new beginning when what he had had all along wasn’t so bad at all…

She reached out for every opportunity, she used every resource. She accomplished. She worked, it bore fruit. One day, she opened her inbox and found an acceptance letter. An even brighter future awaited her. She experienced infinite joy. She went out to celebrate. To drink and to make merry.
She wanted to share the moment with those who she considered closest to her. At half past then, when he was about to retire, she asked him to join her.

He was overjoyed for her. It wasn’t how he had planned his evening, and he was about to retire to bed, but he couldn’t say no. He set out to join her, and he entered with a smile and a laugh plastered on his face. He hugged her, danced a bit.
There were many others there; all were singing, drinking, celebrating. Maybe not celebrating any achievements, but simply celebrating life and Today.
He couldn’t find it in himself to enjoy. “Maybe if I had been drinking all evening too. Maybe if I had come sooner. Maybe if… Maybe…” Tomorrow, he’ll set out on another destination unknown. He doesn’t know where it’ll lead him, but he wonders if he’ll find the happiness that he did over here. Even if he does, he’ll yearn to have these days back again. But he won’t make use of the time he has left.
He knows that he has to change his ways, and he tries. He succeeds for a while, but then his inner self takes over. There’s an inner self that is stronger than one’s will-power. Or at least his will-power.

Some people are born winners. They take each victory in stride, and work towards another feat to celebrate. They undoubtedly go far in life, and relish every moment of it that they can.

Some are born losers. They dismiss the smallest of accomplishments and always wonder “What if…” Sheer escapists. They realize the error in their ways, but remain incorrigible nonetheless.
They think that everything that’s wrong in their lives is a small sacrifice for a better future. But the sacrifices keep coming, and the better future never seems to loom. They have ample opportunity to find joy in their lives, but they cannot reach out. They hold the key to happiness but they cannot find the door, even if it’s before their very eyes.

On a crossroads to nowhere

31 Aug

Hello all. How are you doing? Well, I hope.

For you see, in times like these, if you’re content with life… it’s amazing! If you’ve got something to look forward to, that’s fantastic. If you have reason to have hope, you’re fortunate.

I have none.

Some nights ago, I was having a dream in which I was making a trip home in the middle of my semester. I particularly recall being in some sort of conveyance, which I initially thought to be an aircraft, but after being in it for about half an hour, when I saw that I was still on the road, I decided that it must be a bus ferry to the aircraft.
Point being, in that dream, I was struggling to figure out which semester in college I was in, so as to determine if it was my last or not.
I eventually concluded that I was in my last but one, implying that I had about one more year to spend in college, which I was glad about (in the dream) for it didn’t seem too long.
Then I woke up and realized that in fact, I am in my last semester here, so in about 3 months, I could be bidding this place adieu.

Ideally, I would be delighted at the thought. But now that I’m reflecting over it, it’s not really that exciting. Not that I want to stay here (no way in hell!) but moving back to Delhi doesn’t excite me either. There’s nothing to look forward to. I don’t have a compelling job that’s drawing me there, I’ve stopped obsessing over relationships and romance, there aren’t any friends waiting for me, the enthusiasm to find an avenue to go abroad is also gone… at this moment in my life, I’m in deep existential crisis.

So what are my options for the period that begins when this semester ends? One is to remain here for another 6 months. If I were to do so, my surroundings would be familiar (which is good) but I’d be in perpetual depression. Thus, I don’t want to stay here.
If I were to move to Delhi or Bangalore, I’d probably engage in the grind of one gay party after another, never meeting anyone interesting, and lacking friends to hang out with (that I have here). Thus, I’d be upset and depressed.
Finally, I could energize my drive to look for an internship abroad. If I landed up somewhere in Europe, everything would be strange and awkward, I’d be a cultural misfit, I’d be unhappy and lonely and my dream would be shattered. Which leaves me with no more options.

Three cheers for recession! Not only did it take our jobs away, it also dampened our spirits. Two birds with one stone.