Gossip Queens

Someone who’s visiting the city recently pinged me on the “Networking website”. I responded, and introduced myself. He asked me whether my last name was A, B or C. (Yes, there are apparently 3 people with my first name in this city.) When I confirmed which it was, he responded saying he was glad he’d asked me that, because he’d been warned about my “mental and personal hygiene”,  and signed off.

This is the third instance that I’ve gotten the idea that I’m being gossiped about. What I cannot imagine for my life is why. My flatmate (the gay one) has warned me time and again to not be as talkative and naive when interacting with the “community” in this city, and that it’s the bitchiest of all, in the country. I didn’t believe it, since I always thought I surrounded myself with people of reasonable character and intellect. Clearly I was wrong.
Some weeks ago, an acquaintance, who is a friend of my flatmate’s (which I can’t imagine why, since my flatmate keeps lamenting how much he badmouths just about anyone he knows), was telling him that he heard from everyone that I had bad breath! He was telling my flatmate! What was he thinking? That my flatmate wouldn’t tell me that he’d said that? And the flatmate was given yet another opportunity to turn around and say, “I told you so”.
A week after the flatmate told me, I’m at a party and I come across Queen Bitch. I give him a polite nod, and he stops to make conversation. I make an excuse and move on, since I have no desire to engage in idle chatter with him. Some minutes later, someone stops me to introduce me to him, at which point I have to interrupt “Oh, we’ve met” and move away. Some more minutes later, I’m standing and talking to a few folks, I turn right and Queen Bitch presents himself there as well. How two faced can the guy get???
It’s of little surprise that another friend from long ago (that Queen Bitch and I have in common), who used to call on the phone often, and make an effort to stay in touch, is now barely cordial when we meet (and put me on a very, VERY limited list on Facebook. I outright removed him).

This is the third incident I hear of being spoken about. The first occurred sometime last year, when a friend suggested I keep a low profile, since he’d observed smirking at the mention of my name. I think I wrote this piece about it, but it could’ve been something family-related instead.

I really can’t imagine how I’ve landed myself in these circumstances. I don’t even know what people out there are saying about me, and who all particularly are doing so. Or if I even know all of them. Or how many of them will avoid me on the basis of what they’ve heard about me.

I need to stop being such an innocent, vulnerable lamb. But to begin with, I think I’ll have to change cities and pretty much start over. Which is difficult since I dislike Delhi, and I’ve ruined Bangalore for myself.

Someone Like You

Why is it that the last thought before I fall asleep, and the first when I awake, is being wrapped in your embrace?
How is it that you take away my peace, unless my head on your shoulder lays?
Why is it that the thought of two weeks without you, causes so much pain?
Why do you make me feel at the very beginning, that I’ve lost the race?

Why in your tight embrace, do I feel so secure?
Each time you leave, I’m left feeling so unsure?
Why must I strive to distract from thoughts of you?
How am I to break from your allure?

You are so perfect, in every which way.
You listen, you laugh, bring out the best in me each day.
Make the right noises, without giving  much away.
But how am I to know if you are really here to stay?

Your home is my temple
Your bed is my shrine
Your visits are a blessing
Your presence is sublime

The sound of your voice
The touch, feel, sight of your greys
I bask in your wisdom
I strive for your affection, more attention
But wonder if it’s not only for me?

You fill up my senses
My heart and my mind
Do not leave, let me rest in your
tight, tight embrace
Even when the sun has set
and risen
and set again
Let us just lay

Color Me Turquoise

Okay, one day late it may be but I’m going to attempt to adhere all other instructions issued pertaining to drafting this post.

So I finally met up with Chandu yesterday, making her the first co-blogger I’ve met from here. (Sowie Rani, but you and I will happen REALLY SOON!) She was accompanied by a really sweet friend of hers, quite funny, but the dude got really drunk and profane towards the end of the evening, what with all the whiskey, and she practically had to beg him not to take his clothes of then and there! But he was sweet nonetheless. Very sweet! At least before the alcohol, and for some time after.

And what can one say about C? Well, that she’s a significantly different from what she seems through her blog. Not only does she look 10 years younger than in her pictures (bad, BAD photography), she actually seems 5 years younger by nature as well! She hasn’t been able to, I think, figure out whether that’s a compliment or not. Actually, neither have I :-S
And boyyyyy can she drink! Okay, technically she didn’t drink SO much last night, and she wasn’t exactly running haywire and obscene (unlike her friend), she did seem to be struggling to keep from shrieking like an 18-year old bimbo (Groupies, they call ’em – Thanks, Chandu-friend) each time one of her favourite songs came on. But yes, she resisted. Thank you, Chandu!
Oh, and she INSISTS on making all the decisions (about the order etc etc) so one definitely knows who calls the shots in her household :-S

The pub that she chose, called TC (formerly Turquoise Cottage) at some godforsaken village called Adchini (though bang in one corner of the city, yes) was almost a blast from my (recent) past… Nearly every track they played exists on the frequent playlist of our frequented pub back in college.

Anyhow, that WAS the last evening out in this Delhi trip. I thankfully caught what-could’ve-been the last train back home (god-bless-you Delhi Metro, else I would’ve had to drive, ergo I wouldn’t have been able to drink) and hopefully, by the next time I’m in town, I’ll be a confident driver (One can HOPE, can one not?).

The airplane takes off tomorrow, and once again, I commence yet another new life. No strange sentiments over leaving Delhi this time round. Maybe it’s the heat :-S What I do feel lousy about is that my flight is at 2, the airport is at the other end of the city, it’s 1 a.m. and I haven’t packed!!!

I think I owe a longish post about what transpired with Delhi-boy. Should come in very soon. And I thought I’d be clearing my blog-post-backlog this summer, but that certainly has NOT happened! I’ll get there folks… Though hopefully not before I finish start reading the course material sent to me by ze company I join this Monday. Have been waiting for that day for quite a few months, even if just to be able to add it to my Networks on Facebook.
Yes, I’m shallow like that sometimes :-S

Sympathy Vote

How heart-warming it is when people wish to lend a helping hand, and look out for you because they appreciate you or any aspect of you.

How hurtful it is to realize that they were doing so because they pity you.

Fag Alert! Fag Alert!

So I was at the aunt’s place when a friend of her son’s (who himself is working abroad) decided to drop in. She sent me to receive him at the elevator, and lo behold was I surprised!
Yep, you guessed it!

I was all smiles as I walked him to the apartment. No, not because he’s “cute” or could “rock my world” but simply because I wouldn’t be the only gay guy in the apartment that evening…

Not only that, he was a whole step ahead… He was much more obvious than I, and I doubt, would’ve left any doubt over his identity… I cannot imagine what it was about the situation that I simply had to suppress a half-knowing smile… no, chuckle… all through the evening! And the dude is practically my cousin’s best friend.

Which just makes me wonder like anything. To be honest, I don’t think any of my cousin bro’s have (had) girlfriends, and it really makes me wonder about them! None of them are unpleasant to look at… The cousin in question here even looks like a goddamn European (until one hears him speak)…

Could it be? Even if it isn’t so, it’s good to know that at least someone in the family is as close to someone from the community. I don’t know why, but it’s totally made my evening 🙂
Power to the Pinks!

Long weekend, in more ways than one

Yes, I knew it was going to be a long weekend… For one, I had taken a day off from work. After all, Tanuja (Hag No. 2) was coming in from Singapore, and we had Monday off for Holi (yay!) so it was amounting to four days off consecutively, which I wouldn’t really frown upon after spending 12 days in office non-stop. But I never imagined that the week would be as long as it turned out to be!

1. Pop called on Friday and discreetly gave me a heads up that Maa was coming in to town the next day to give us a surprise, and asked if there was anything he wanted sent through her. That peeved me a bit, because I had specifically told her NOT to come on this weekend since Tanuja was coming in too, and instead on a different weekend so that I’d have time to spend with her. Which I told him in so many words.
A few hours later, sister called and informed me that it was Dad was coming in, actually, and only for 3 days. He’d be coming in 1 day after Tanuja and leaving almost at the same time. So suddenly, my 4 day break seemed even lesser now!

2. I was at HardRockCafe in Bangalore the other night, and extremely bored owing to the number of people I didn’t know over there, so I moved base outdoors, and over a casual SMS conversation, came out to Alika, the homophobic hag. In fact, Hagatha and I came out to her together. Over SMS, of course 😛
She initially thought I was joking. In fact, for a very long time, she thought so. Post that, she was mostly silent, and we’ve practically not spoken since. I cannot imagine what’s going on in her head, because she hasn’t shared any of it with me, but I’ve heard nothing from her since. An extremely long silence… No word of support, reassurance or anything at all… and frankly, I’m not even bothered to find out why.
I didn’t think she was deserving of knowing, but Hagatha and Magatha (the Male Hag, Hagatha’s boyfriend and my best friend [I think I can safely call him]) pushed me into telling her, saying I owed it to her. Well, I certainly disagree presently.
And Alika being herself, I wonder how many people, and who all, know by now…

3. Last night, I was at the sister’s, with dad and sister’s friends. Two of them very shyly stepped out for a smoke, and Dad decided to join them. And so did I. And much to my sister’s discomfort, my father and I shared a cigarette, while my dad told us the history of the emergence of ciggs. The friends are in total awe.

4. After the drinking/smoking binge with sister, friends and pop, we went to dinner at a nearby Punjabi restaurant. The restrooms there were distinguished by plates that read “Kings” and “Queens”, and I was literally uncertain for a moment. Very misleading. What’s wrong with the conventional and unambiguous “Men” and “Women”?

5. I dropped in at the Bangalore Queer Film Festival on 2 occasions, once to watch a few films before I joined the lot at HRC, and another, for a discussion on 377 on another day (a few hours before Dad got in). The former, India’s premier of “A Single Man” was very enjoyable, while the latter unfortunately wasn’t. A few very long speeches, very few questions entertained and practically negligible responses offered all owing to shortage of time (caused due to the long speeches) Oh well, another time then!
And as always, whilst at the festival, I sat in a corner like a touch-me-not, giving bad vibes without intending to, and feeling very awkward and asocial. I’m not going to blend into the Bangalore crowd anytime soon, evidently!

A long time has passed since. Tanuja has boarded her flight, and pop will return tomorrow. I return to office after 4 days away. Life is going back to normal at a pace never imagined before.

And my Google Reader is bursting in the seams.

What I want for New Year’s

I do not want to spend the evening in a roomful of strangers, few of whom I know and none of who I really care for. I do not want to be with disintegrated family. I do not want to be in forced company.

I do not want to see cheery faces and exuberant smiles. I do not want to be seen, or to see.

I want to sit at home and hope that silence fills my mind. I want to wish for bonfires and someone to share a glass of wine. I want to brood over all that’s been done. I want to hope for happiness in the New Years’ to come.

I do not want to have dictum to abide. I want the biting cold to seep into my skin and bones, and numb the pain inside.