Tag Archives: Paranoia

Wishful Thinking – Confrontation

15 Oct

I realize that we might never speak again… But what do I do with all these conversations stuck in my head, that will never take place? A lot of drama, I admit… but best that I try and let it out, until it ceases by itself…

He doesn’t need to hear it, but I need to say it out loud…

 

Vikram: Meet this weekend?

Me: Sure… How about a play? Or would you rather pretend to not be interested, then watch it anyway, and pretend that you heard it was good but it didn’t work out for you?
Can’t imagine why you felt the need to lie…

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Why I believe I’m a Drama Queen…

28 Apr

There’s nothing surprising about a gay guy being a Drama Queen, right? It’s probably a fundamental right for them. And it’s almost a part of his daily life. It adds spice to it, makes him interesting (if the drama is within limits) and almost defines his existence.

Well, those are the exact kind of thoughts that a book I recently purchased is going to attempt to banish from my mind.

So while I was hunting for GMAT Prep books, I came across this book on a most unexpected online book store, where I never thought I’d find it. (To be fair, I found it AFTER I’d purchased the GMAT prep book!)

To those who shop for books online in India, no I did not find it on Flipkart, where I would not be surprised to find it if a book is worth it’s cost. I found it on another website, called Coinjoos.com, which doesn’t seem to have any more gay material on it.
Moreover, I got it as a second-hand in mint-condition, which means I paid Rs. 120 for it, as opposed to the discounted price of Rs. 600 on Flipkart! What a steal! Especially since I never was looking for it in the first place… It literally dropped out of nowhere.

So why do I think that I too am a Drama Queen? Several observations come to mind.

1. That I think a book can magically transform me. (Though I hope this one can, substantially if not dramatically entirely).

2. That I needed to come across this book to realize that I “have a problem”, so to speak, which needs to be looked into.

3. That I started this blog, just to mope about my life!

4. The observation that I tend to become popular very quickly among people when I’m introduced to them, and then gradually fade in “popularity” and “visibility”. To quote what the book says, drama is initially appealing to all, but gradually they lose interest and may even find it tiring (how am I to know). And that I often think that people are/get tired of me, even when they’re not.

5. That I like to take drastic steps to bring about the smallest change.

6. That I wrote the above sentence without actually meaning it, or understanding its implication, but just because it sounded nice.

7. That I’m so quickly offended for the smallest of reasons, and tend to cut myself off from he/she who offends (imagining all sorts of revenge against them in my mind: refer next point), until I eventually just forget about it altogether.

8. The 24×7 Broadway that is running in my head, showcasing my wishful thinking, or my interpretation of how certain events that happened should really have happened. Or could have happened. Or should not have happened. Just about anything really. The smallest of impetus can send it off in a tizzy.

9. That I’ve already come up with 8 points, and could dish out another 80 without too much effort.

10. That I had to write this blog post about this book, instead of just reading the damn thing. I’m writing a post hailing a book that I’ve read 5 pages of, and not even begun to enjoy.

Go Figure!

Anyhow, will get back to it now, and keep you folks updated. Wish me luck!

Just My Imagination

18 Jan

is this little place I like to go, when I want to go somewhere I cannot go in person. Where the only people around, are by invite only, and who cannot say no. Where conversation is controlled, and decided by me. Where I can speak my mind, unrehearsed yet perfected, with great timing, and receive the response it deserves.
Where I can put people in their place. Where those I want to like me, have no choice but to do so, and those I tend to envy, find the tables turned.

There’s a little place called my imagination where I spent most of my childhood, and nearly every night, as I still do so. There’s a little place called my imagination where I escape every time life feels so wrong. There’s a little place called my imagination, that weakens me from the core. My vice, my weakness, my imagination.

Frustration

3 Nov

Yet again, the sheer neglect of my manager continues to make my life miserable.

So the gentleman’s been on leave for nearly 18 of the last 20 working days. So obviously he hasn’t been around to take much interest in me. Except taking out enough time to let me know that I’m working on Diwali.
What he did NOT take out time to do was register me for the Diwali lottery.

So the Diwali lottery is this week-long event held at our workplace for all the employees who are working the entire Diwali week. Everyday, for 5 days, lots and lots of names are drawn to be awarded cash prizes ranging from decent to exorbitant denominations. Regardless of whether or not one wins in the lottery, everyone gets a bonus 3k for working that week. That is, if that person is registered, and is working the entire Diwali week.

Since the batch of new recruits joined recently, we were all confused about whether or not we were eligible to participate under our Trainee contract. Nonetheless, for all of my fellow-recruits who had not applied for leave on Diwali, were registered for the draw by their managers. Except me, of course. And the manager himself is on leave, the entire week, while I sit and do nothing important because he has taken very little interest in my training.

Just yesterday, one of the co-recruits won an amount nearly equal to our monthly pay! Lots of others won smaller amounts, and will continue to do so this entire week, and will continue to discuss it during breakfast and dinner. And even if they don’t, they’ll at least walk away with the gratitude amount of 3k.
Except me of course. Because my manager continues to pretend that I’m nothing more in my team of 7 than someone to say Hello to while passing my table.

Employee satisfaction could scarcely go as low as it has with me, at this very moment.

Paranoia

8 Sep

Typing this for the second time, thanks to fucking Nokia.

So I’m totally insane.
Yesterday, I got to know that the security guard lost a parcel of mine he’d received, containing something worth half a grand. The monetary loss doesn’t bother me much, but the fact that he was so clumsy (or clever) and is trying to get away with It, downright annoys me.
And now, I’m trying to avoid him. Avoid him to avoid confrontation, because if I encounter him, I must question him. Why should I want to avoid confrontation when he’s the culprit and I’m the victim, god only knows. That’s where I’m fucked-up. I spent 2 hours tossing and turning last night, imagining confrontations with him and subsequently with the management of the society which, hypothetically in my head, is siding him. It’s all in my head, but it cost me 2 hours of sleep. And he’s probably snoring away peacefully.

This is just one example. One tiny instance of one day of my life. There are MANY more where that comes from, and they swim around in my mind all the time. Many of them don’t even remotely involve me. General issues in society, but I take it upon my own shoulders.

The Tarot reader was bang accurate about me being a total mental disaster. My brain, my conscience, my guilt… It’s all a time-bomb slowly ticking away.

I don’t know why I’ve cut down on blogging off late. I need to keep documenting my thoughts, so that hopefully someone will study them one day and suggest some remedies, hopefully before I shoot myself in frustration.

Running away

9 Jul

Isn’t it so easy to run away from your problems? Run far, far away… To where they cannot find you. “Don’t run away from your problems, they’ll come after you” belongs in films, really. My problems have never chased me, but stupidly enough, I revisit them.

I really don’t want to be in Delhi anymore. I don’t want to go back to Bangalore. Wherever I go, I create or revisit further problems for myself… all of them, matters of the heart.

I wish I could’ve been a common whore, like everyone else. I wish I could go from person to person, mindlessly using and subsequently forgetting. I wish I could alter my zodiac sign, and everything that came with it.

At the moment though, I wish I could run away from all the ghosts that are chasing me, and wish I hadn’t dug up the graves that are now open.

I wish I could wake up thinking of someone, who thinks of me too. I wish I could love someone, who could love me back in return.

OUTED to the flatmate!!!

8 May

I don’t believe I left my laptop unlocked!!! And the dear flat-mate, the one closest to the sister, used it. And accessed premierleague.com… Know how as soon as you start typing a URL, suggestions start popping up? And that planetromeo.com is a site frequently visited by me???

I’m surprisingly not very freaked out. Especially with a move pending, and my sister having become my imminent flatmate, I’ll have to come out to her anyway…

But I cannot IMAGINE how freaked out I would’ve been 2 years ago about this!