Tag Archives: Love

often wonders…

21 May

in moments of loneliness… and moments of High-ness… if he’ll have someone special… someone whose voice he really wants to hear… to call… Someone who he adores… someone who adores him more… who takes all his shit unconditionally… without getting annoyed or frustrated.

Or if he’ll ever stop yearning for someone who probably doesn’t exist.
Because frankly, he’s tired of searching.

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All you get from love is a lovesong

4 Apr

So I’ve seen a million romantic flicks in the past few months (by my standards… 3-4 as per common methods of census)

With each flick, one finds it more and more ridiculous just how unrealistic they are. I really wonder why people make such films at all. Surely love isn’t so magical, so perfect… And nearly non-existent in the gay world.

The more and more I observe relationships, straight and (flimsy) gay (ones), the more I wonder how they survive the complexity of human emotions. For instance, the more and more Hagatha spends time with her boyfriend, the more compromises she makes for him (while I see him make none). The more her loyalties shift to him, to his opinion on matters (accelerated by the fact that she has very few of her own) and away from other friends. Clearly I could play similar games, but one could only do that unconsciously. The harder it will become for her to retain the equations she had with her friends. When one observes so clearly such forces in action, one can only look at them and wonder the complexity of relationships and romance. Sure one may say we’re young and immature and that we would change with time. But it would still be a far call from stuff that films are made of, right? One really wonders what all these romance flicks are made of. And what it is about them that makes one feel good. The illusion that someday they’ll have the same?

Drunk and Honest

26 Jul

Very drunk. Almost puking. But atleast honest.
And i told him. No, not Vikram. But the real one. Don’t expect anything. He’s an awesome guy, and in him, i see a reflection of myself. And I long for his attention, if nothing else. But we can’t always have what we want, can we?
But I’ll wait. Maybe till I get what I want or till I start wanting different things.
Until then, I’ll be satisfied with the fact that it’s off my conscience. And that I told him. Don’t think I’ve ever done this before. And he’ll read this post. Which is awkward, but i’m not uncomfortable. Not now. And I told him after so many months. So I’m happy about that.
Lie detector tests are useless. The best way to get the truth out of someone is by getting him drunk.

Back to the grind

23 Jul

Right, so it took some time but Unsung is posting again. Yay for that 🙂

So I’m back here, in this little ole town of mine. Lots has changed… my room, for one. We moved across the corridor, so I took the opportunity to sort out my things before putting them away, and discard what I think I’d be unlikely to take back home.
For instance, several kinds of hair oils, herbal shampoos and what not, that were supposed to help me save my hair, but failed miserably.

My fishie, Marcello, is back with me. He’s bleeding on the sides, so I’m not aware how long he’s likely to hang on. I’m told by my fish-caretaker-cum-friend that he’d popped in one of my friends’ fish into Marcello’s tank, and it died. I wouldn’t put it past Marci to be responsible for it. Since I’m not into fish-fights or that sort of entertainment, I’m not very proud of him. Then again, it’s all about the survival of the fittest, no?

In other news, Vikram, the person I met for 3 of my last 5 nights in Delhi, seems to be lost and perpetually busy now. Strange how people find it hard to make time for those who are physically remote. I almost feel exploited, but whatever we shared was mutual, so not so much. I didn’t let myself get emotionally attached thankfully (particularly since I think I’m still emotionally attached elsewhere… no, no details about that over here!) so that helped a lot as well.
Nonetheless, it was a good lesson on how it works in the community, back in Delhi. And I was prepared for it, so I’m not surprised. It seems I’m “growing up” (what I would’ve earlier called “losing my innocence”).
One thing is for sure… I was right about the fact that life is extremely bland without at least the prospect for some romantic entaglement. No, I don’t speak for everyone… just me!

Hagatha has been going on and on about how she used to see countless gay couples in Bangalore, in coffee shops and bakeries etc. which again sounds a bit tempting. Should I give the city a shot? If I do, it’s a 4-6 month commitment. I’m utterly confused! On the positive side, I’d be living away from home. Then again, the folks didn’t come in my way, much. On the negative, I might be living near the sister. I simply cannot make up my mind on that one!
But wherever I land up, it’s all good as long as it’s at least 5 times the size of this town!

It’s supposed to be raining like mad over here, but surprisingly is not. One only has showers for a few minutes, 4-5 times a day. Otherwise, it’s cloudy, windy and very pleasant.
Last night however, when I was returning to the hostel with a friend at half past eleven, we discovered that the gate we usually climb over to get into the campus, has been declared off-limits for tresspassers with the help of some barbed wire. So we discovered a stretch of boundary wall that did not have shards of broken glass to ward off wall-climbers, such as ourselves. I hauled myself up with some effort, and was sitting on it, waiting for him to join me so that we’d jump off the other side. He was unable to follow (which made me pretty proud of meself!).
At the exact comical moment, while I was perched on the wall, and he on the ground, it started raining! Raining? It was pouring cats and dogs!
So I sat there on the compound wall, looking like a foolish, petty thief, caught in the act. Since the wall is pretty high and the stone ground was wet and slippery, I risked my well-being by jumping off on either side. So I sat there, in the rain, on a compound wall for some 10 minutes, he mulling over whether he should risk climbing up, and I wondering if I should jump down, and if yes, then on which side of the wall. Eventually, I clambered down on the other side, clinging to the edge of the wall and effectively scratching myself quite severely. He walked around it.

Anyway, not much happening this side. Seems that my life is heading for a dull turn! I really hope that doesn’t happen!

In other news, I spoke to this fellow on chat yesterday, who I came across randomly. The fellow had a display picture, and seemed offended that I couldn’t place him. He’s allegedly a former Mr. India, hosts some lifestyle shows and works in English and Indian cinema, when he’s not busy practicing medicine. Oh, and he was born and brought up in S. Africa. Any leads?

I’m an Uncle again!

6 Jul

Imagine getting to know in a flash of a second that you’ve become an uncle…

So it turns out that my cousin brother, and sister-in-law, just adopted a baby girl! They hadn’t mentioned a THING to any of the family, before they held the little angel in their hands (earlier this morning)! I’ve not seen her yet, I just got to know moments ago, and I cannot express in words how elated I am!!

I’ve got SOO many nephews from my other cousins, but only one neice! But NOT ANY MORE!! 😀 😀

I mentioned in a comment in D’s blog that how it broke my heart that one of my sister-in-law’s who is a complete angel, cannot give her love and upbringing to a little one.

It’s not true anymore 😀

This one is going to be very, very special… For once, I’m old enough to hold her in my hands without being reminded by the “adults” that I shouldn’t “drop the baby”. Hold her like my own little one…
I’m going to go and cry a bit now :’)

I’m tired…

17 Feb

of waiting.

I’m tired of online exchanges with guys who seem so perfect, but are miles away with faces unknown, and will probably be with someone else before I get to meet them, if at all.

I’m tired of being ready for a relationship, of wanting one, and not being able to meet anyone.

I’m tried of waiting for someone I’m worthy of, and someone who’s worthy of me.

I’m tired of this computer being so integral to my existence because it’s my only window to romance.

I’m tired of being in this minuscule town.

I’m tired of being in bed alone.

I’m tired of not having someone to talk for endless hours on the phone with.

I’m tired of not having someone special to humour.

I’m tired of being alone.

Mamma Love

16 Dec

Just had another long session with Maa. She was telling me about the (bordering scandalous) happenings in her life, the people in it, the problems she faces. She told me about the nature of her friendship with our family accountant (that makes my dad quite uncomfortable), gives fodder for gossip to the family, even though it’s something so out-in-the-open, platonic and everything. I’m touched by her honesty, frankness and the nobility of her intentions. And I admire her ability to take decisions that would let her live life on her own terms and hold her head up high.
I’m proud of her for being able to tell me things that would otherwise be difficult to share with one’s children. Specially children of my kind, who’re from an entirely different culture.

And I feel so awful for her. Awful that a woman of her character, proud, independent, lively… a Queen in every right, should be caught in the life that she’s trapped in. That a woman who is charming, attractive and appealing, a winner of hearts, is caught in a life like this. A woman who, as she nears 50, leaves anyone scandalised when they get to know her actual age or the fact that she has a 24 and a 20 year old children, should be caught in a marriage like this. A woman who could’ve had anything she wanted if she had only a little more exposure to the world beyond her small town in her younger years, can end up in a life like this.

I wish she could’ve married the man that she deserved. One who would’ve made it his soul duty to give her everything she wanted… because all she’s ever wanted are the right things. The real things in life. Because even today, she would find so many who would be in a position to and willing to give her everything they could.
I wish that she lets me give her everything she could desire, when I’m in a position to (because that remains the prime motive of my existence). I hope that day comes soon.

I wish that a person so beautiful could’ve had a life as beautiful, a husband as generous and children as perfect.

I wish I could grab her and hold on to her with all my life, not let her go in fear that I couldn’t hold her again… something so outright beautiful and wonderful. I wish I could plant her with hugs and kisses (which I cannot because I don’t deem myself worthy of it) and all the affection in the world.

I wish I could give her another chance at life, and this time, make it all right.