Tag Archives: Infatuation

Come Undone

5 Sep
Me: I suppose I will have to eventually stop or at least reduce meeting you… Seems like I’ve been testing my resilience, or some would say stupidity, over the last few months…

Him: Hmm not sure what’s on your mind….like I said earlier…check for expectations …with boss and with others

Me: I suppose I misunderstood your expectations early on, and that misunderstanding has faded with time

Him: Call if u’d like to talk…

Me: If I was comfortable talking about it, I would’ve brought it up long ago… I thought age was a barrier, and that misconception was cleared today… So it must be something else?

[He tries calling at this point, but I disconnect]
Me: As I said, not comfortable talking about it… And I thought you also said texting is easier?

[Long silence from his end]
Me: Conversation ends here?

Him: No…but I don’t want to do it on sms…Prefer to talk or better still in person…I care about u and would like u as a friend….

Me: I guess I just care about you as much more than a friend. I suppose I just needed you to know, because you somehow don’t seem to pick up on hints.
But there’s a clear mismatch in expectations, so I guess there’s no point in talking about it. But I guess I needed you to know, so I’m done with that.

Him: Ok.yes I know

A true Romantic

5 Aug

How unfortunate that I cry about my awkward hours is since I cannot go on an evening date…

How shallow of me that I nurture an American dream, only with the hope of finding a mate

How pathetic of me to be willing to renounce that long-nurtured desires, as I lay in his soft embrace

How tragic that I know that I must, but I cannot wait.

Someone Like You

11 May

Why is it that the last thought before I fall asleep, and the first when I awake, is being wrapped in your embrace?
How is it that you take away my peace, unless my head on your shoulder lays?
Why is it that the thought of two weeks without you, causes so much pain?
Why do you make me feel at the very beginning, that I’ve lost the race?

Why in your tight embrace, do I feel so secure?
Each time you leave, I’m left feeling so unsure?
Why must I strive to distract from thoughts of you?
How am I to break from your allure?

You are so perfect, in every which way.
You listen, you laugh, bring out the best in me each day.
Make the right noises, without giving  much away.
But how am I to know if you are really here to stay?

Your home is my temple
Your bed is my shrine
Your visits are a blessing
Your presence is sublime

The sound of your voice
The touch, feel, sight of your greys
I bask in your wisdom
I strive for your affection, more attention
But wonder if it’s not only for me?

You fill up my senses
My heart and my mind
Do not leave, let me rest in your
tight, tight embrace
Even when the sun has set
and risen
and set again
Let us just lay

Unconscious Visitor

2 Feb

Tell me, why you followed me… Deep into the night?
Is it because I think of you, every time I’m left aside?
It isn’t really you, but what you could symbolize.
Yet, each time you cross my mind, that fact I fail to recognize.
Why did you follow me, into the night?
Though it was in light of day, underneath the orange sky.
You sat before me, but I pretended…
as you would have, in real life.
Then you noticed and you smiled,
Or was that just a wishful sigh?
Did you rise and walk towards me?
Or sat in place, and waved aside?
Tell me why you followed me
Into my dreams, into the night
Undesired, uninvited
Till came along the morning light?

Thank you

23 Nov

Thank you A,
For that one week of regular phonecalls after work. Thank you for dragging me away from my desk, for an hour a day, just me and you. Those words of affection that, even if you use casually, I now hear no more.
That fostering friendship, that is now seems no more than an acquaintance.
Thank you for those 8 beautiful days, that almost gave me hope, even though I fought to silence that feeling stirring inside me.

Thank you for that dinner, however short and however casual and friendly it seemed.

Thank you for reminding me, that I’m just not good enough for you.

Thank you.

Self-control

28 Oct

Sometimes, it truly helps to realize that not everyone can interpret sarcasm, exaggeration (for humor) and such and such, even if you explicitly say that you used them.
Which could cost you a shot at extremely hot people.
Or maybe you never had a shot at them anyway, but you don’t want a silly message, intended to humor, to seal the deal on the fact (that you never had a shot).

Ahh, life :-/

Young

18 Sep

Went on a most amazing lunch-date today. He is just so perfect. Someone I’d like to explore possibilities with. But just that he doesn’t feel the same way. I prefer older men. And so does he.

I thought youth was on my side. Yet it’s my biggest obstacle?

He’s ten years older, looks so amazing, is so adorable, so perfect. So positive, so reassuring. But considers me too young? Too innocent? Or assumes that because of my age, I’m some tramp?

Close to three hours that I spent with him, 3 amazing hours in a long long time. Why must they mean so much more to me, than they do to him?

If only I could conjure a potion. A love potion, that would make him mine. Or any other way through which I could hold have him, hold him through the night.
Because dreams are not enough, dreams must come to an end. Dreams won’t give me reality, the reality of his touch.
Touch him, hold him. Hold on tight.
Fall asleep beside him. Kiss him goodnight.

Hide And Seek?

13 Sep

Had the strangest moment today.

So I’d met Nimit for the briefest moment possible, lasting all of 5 minutes, to hand him something to be passed on to someone else. I got off the office-cab outside his office, handed him the packet, and he (thankfully) decided to walk with me part of the way to my office.
So we walked and we talked and it was all very casual.
Finally we arrived at a point where we were to go our own ways. So we said our goodbye’s and I began walking off. Did I hear him say something or was it instinctive that I turned back and caught him gazing at me very briefly.
I can’t quite place the expression on his face, and what it meant. But it was intriguing and appealing. But it’s all very confusing. Just yesterday he was looking forward to a date with some fellow, which he was very disappointed about not happening. Yet he was blaming himself for being “needy”. I frankly don’t know what’s going on in his head, and it’s all very puzzling. Then again, I never give him the faintest idea of what’s going on in mine…

Bad Manners

30 Aug

is to leave the blog unattended for so long!

Yes, I’ve probably lost most of me readers, though they’ll check back once in a while. But not if I continue posting at this rate!

It’s not that I haven’t anything to write about, or have little time. Okay, maybe I haven’t so much time. But one has to take out time, right?

So work is moving slow. Still studying a fat text book. Got an exam in 2 days, haven’t revised nothing! Spent the entire weekend doing nothing constructive, and must suffer the consequences in the time to come. Got all the questions that are likely to be asked compiled in a file, and too lazy to open it and read it! What I DID do was sit and imagine what I could do with my income in the months to come. As if one can do a lot. As if there’s a lot of income. I’m a friggin’ trainee. I JUST got my first complete salary 2 days back. Yet I’m thinking of taking a loan and buying an apartment, post sister’s wedding and expenditures. IS there a bigger loser than me?

On the romance-scene, I’m trying to detach myself from Nimit, who only seems to have time for me on gTalk. Besides, if I’m not going to come clean to him, and nor is he, why bother?
What I AM doing to pull myself out of that is an attempt to line myself up with 2-3 people to meet in the weeks to come. One is tentatively scheduled for Wednesday, another tomorrow morning (of a carnal nature) and a third dude, who lives in the neighbourhood and works in the building adjacent to mine, I’m attempting to spend time with at work itself (though I think he’s been posted to a different office for a few weeks. Nevermind, we’ll meet at home.)

My stomach had begun expanding again, and the little muscle mass I had put on was beginning to fade, so I’m in damage control mode on that front. The gym instructor enlightened me that my entire way of doing push-ups was wrong. Every new gym I go to, they find something to correct. I really wish I could push all gym instructors into one gym and make them decide!
(Though my push-up technique WAS wrong, it was obvious. Whatever has to be accomplished, I find an easier way to do it.)

That’s all for now. Will try to be more regular. And if I can just manage a LITTLE bit of time, I look FORWARD to coming back to your blogs and reading them. I SHUDDER to imagine the backlog I have at the moment!

When the alarm clock becomes a thing of the past

20 Aug

Yes, I work nights now. I head to work at half past five, when all the lucky folks are heading home (lucky because they’re missing the post-6.30 rush-hour). I don’t mind working nights (quite enjoy them, really) but what I DO miss is having my evenings to myself. I miss the option of messaging Nimit after work, calling him home for a smoke, and molesting him (consensually). Sure, we did it only once every. And sure we’re going to hopefully be doing it tomorrow. But I still miss that OPTION.
Though there has to be a workaround for these things, right? There is. I’ve blocked his occasional lunch hour. (NOW who’s glad he [me] lives so close to our workplace…) Again, don’t know how often it’ll happen, but it’s good to have an option.
Strange how I’m wanting to plan my worklife around my sad sex-life, isn’t it?

So the introduction to the team happened. The manager took me around, introducing me to all the members of the 2 teams, one of which I’ll belong to. At the end of it, I remembered one person (because he was cute-ish).
Did you know that of 28 recruits in my batch, I’m the ONLY one placed in this team? It doesn’t help that my mentor is totally trying to be a monster. He’s handed me a HUGE book to finish in 15 (now 11) days [11 regular days, not business days] for the purpose of writing an exam. He was also kind enough to mention that this is a poorly written book, and at a slightly higher level than that of the exam itself, and that this exam is harder than the 2 subsequent ones I have to take (for each of which he’s given me 15 days) but there’s no flexibility. And whenever I’m taking a break, and he happens to be passing, he’ll remind me of the number of days left. And if I whine that there’s too much to study, he’ll say “Maybe you could stop playing TT for the time-being). The other day, when I took an exceptionally long break and was subsequently returning to my desk, taking an alternative path so as to avoid passing his table, I noticed from a distance that he was standing and talking to someone right on my way to safety. Tragically, he noticed too. And though I thought I’d ducked just in time, I heard a “Unsung… I saw that!” travel all the way across the floor. What beats me is how he manages not to smile or sound pleasant in whatever he says to me. Unlike everyone else in the office, (whose names and faces I do not remember. Except the 2 cute ones, one of whom is married and arrogant.)

So that’s life. Struggling to find work, and a way to meet people[person]. But well, it’ll eventually all settle in (I hope).