Tag Archives: Frustrations

Woe-be-me

2 Jul

I’m going mmmaaaddd for some reason. So much/so little is happening and it’s driving me up the wall, don’t ask why. Maybe it’s the heat. Maybe it’s the afternoon heat, since mornings are usually very, very cool… almost like Bangalore. It’s windy and one doesn’t even need to turn the fan on. Then the afternoon sets in, and so does the hot, sultry weather.

A) I’m seriously falling for a fella who’s all the way back in Bangalore (the terrace-guy) and actively wanting a relationship with someone else. I like to think about him before I go to sleep or after I wake up, and I’d give anything to be able to hold and kiss him right now (and bite his neck). And there’s no way I can tell him that.

B) My almost-daily gymming has started showing results, and now I’m paranoid that even if I miss out for one day, they’ll magically vanish. And that I finished my protein powder yesterday is threatening my peace-of-mind and bank-balance.

C) I met this really, really cute dude (I’ve been in touch with for months online) in Delhi the other day. Meeting him again this evening. I have constant urges to kiss him, but I cannot for the lack of private space. And he’s a little camp, so cannot bring him home ūüė¶

D) A¬†fellow blogger-ess got drunk last night and rang me up, just as I was going to bed… My SIM was in another phone, so her name did not flash, and I couldn’t for my life figure out who the hell it was (since we’d never spoken before), and I thought something was wrong with the handset! She’s so cute when she’s drunk! Fun conversation ūüôā

E) Spent the ENTIRE day at the hospital where a cousin was recovering from some funny-surgery business. Now he’s one cousin I can simply make no conversation with, but lo behold, I spent the entire day. No, not talking to him but to my sis-in-law, and the occasional visiting friends. A day I was dreading turned out to be not so bad. Can’t imagine I used to be awkward and tongue tied all through my childhood when I’m so perfectly capable of making random conversation. Except with that cousin of course!

F) There are recurring water problems in the society we live in. Infrequent, but recurring. It isn’t because there’s any lack of water, but because the water pump keeps breaking down and the new society admin. is too damn slow to take action. We’ve been waterless since last-night, and will continue to be till around 4-5 today, and I need to go out to lunch at 1!!! And I haven’t shaved in like a century, and I’m really desperate. And all I have to get ready is 3/4th of a bucket of (slightly muddy) water. Gahhhhhh!

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Driving me up the wall…

2 May

So relations with Hagatha are at quite a low… Frankly I’m losing patience…

For one thing, the girl tells me nothing about her own personal life, and on top of that, believes that she has full authority on the details of mine. Which is clearly not happening.

So having cut her out (discreetly) from one aspect of my life, I’m wondering if I’ll be able to take her at all…

The problem is that the girl is becoming blonde-r by the minute. It doesn’t help that her new boyfriend, a close friend of mine too, has no sense of logic whatsoever. It truly is rubbing onto her. Apart from that, she has this annoying habit of blatantly answering to any annoyed remarks that I might make with blatant defensive lies without giving it a moment of thought…

For instance,

Me: Give me my keys please
H: (Looks around in her bag, unsuccessfully) I already gave it to you…
Me: No, you didn’t!
H: (Keeps looking) Yes, I did!
Me: WHEN?
H: I don’t remember… I don’t have it… I must’ve given it to you…
H: (Consequently finds it) Oh sorry, I didn’t…

How CAN one lie through one’s teeth with so much conviction and be absolutely oblivious that she’s talking nonsense?

A few weeks ago, I came back from the gym and found that the geyser had been left on long enough for the fuse to cut off (restoring which isn’t my favourite hobby, and hence I prefer to turn the geyser off after the required running time of 10-15 mins) So when I limp out of my bath, because the boiling hot water has scathed the undersides of my feet, I ask her in a near-defeated voice..

Me: How long ago did you turn the geyser on???
H: (Absolutely without thinking or flinching) I just turned it on 10 minutes ago…
Me: Are you serious?
H: (The idiotic “Ohhh, it’s striking me now” expression) No, no, no… it’s been longer than that…

2 nights ago, I was murmuring that someone who I simply don’t recall, had added me on Facebook, and I didn’t want to add him without placing him… He’d used some gibberish expression for his screen-name, but had a clear picture on display…

Me: Gah, I don’t remember him at all…
H: So just send him a message and ask him…
Me: He’s obviously from college… and we have some common friends too… I don’t like asking people I’m supposed to be knowing who they are…
H: So what? He’s even using some gibberish characters for his screen-name
Me: But his photograph is damn clear…
H: So it’s not necessary that you can see it…
Me: Because I’m visually impaired???
H: No… maybe it isn’t visible to you…
Me: But it’s right there…¬† Obviously it’s visible to me!
H: It’s not necessary! There could be some permissions or something…
Me: He would be knowing what permissions he’s set…
H: It’s not necessary…
Me: WHAT are you saying?
H: What? It’s possible…
Me: Are you even thinking before talking?
H: It’s possible!
Me: PLEASE stop talking NOW!

And the last incident in this seriously bitchy post, that I simply need to get out of my system before I e-x-p-l-o-d-e…

So yesterday, when they were moving out, she came up to me and told me she was throwing some laundry for washing. Needless to say, I was surprised to see her carrying my towel in the pile…

Me: Were you using that towel?
H: Ya…
Me: That it was the only towel in my bathroom did not convey to you that I might’ve been using it?
H: But it was the only one…
Me: Why couldn’t you just take out a fresh one?
H: I don’t know where they’re kept.
Me: Seriously?!
H: No!
Me: Seriously?!
H: I don’t!
Mag: On top of the cupboard…
H: (The idiotic “Ohhh, it’s striking me now” expression) Ohhhh, of course!

The girl has visited over several weeks, each time I have taken out a fresh towel and handed it to her from the shelf on top of my cupboard where I keep all my linen (the only storage space in my entire room apart from my cupboard… a gorilla could’ve found it without ever having known before)

And then 2 days later, she sends me sentimental messages about how I keep losing my patience with her and she has no inkling whatsoever of why I do that… And when I ask her to identify a common pattern that she may observe if she attempts to trace every incident in which I snapped at her, she still says “I have no idea”…

If there’s anything that I lack in character, it’s
1. patience
and
2. tolerance of extreme stupidity
.

CAN ANYONE HELP ME?

Happiness is momentary, impatience is for life…

24 Apr

So I spent countless weeks impatiently refreshing my e-mail inbox, had countless phone-calls arranged to the HR of the company and had fervid day-dreams playing over and over in my mind of snubbing the company when they did send an offer letter…

And then it finally came. And then the excitement. Lasted all of one night.

Now life is dull again. It might be because there’s no mention of travel allowance in the contract (who doesn’t want to be able to say, “Oh, my company is paying for my flight…” right after they graduate) or any other benefits, but that would’ve prolonged the elation by at most 2 hours…

But well, at least I’m in a position to plan my life better, eh? It shall be time to go house-hunting soon! I’m keeping one whole month free for myself before I commence corporate life. Speaking of which, I simply cannot wait to be in my own apartment! To have full control of everything, to be king of my kitchen, to be able to limit the number of hours that sports channels are permitted to be watched on my TV (or better, to not have a TV at all!), to have Wi-Fi internet!

Sigh, these next 2 months are going to pass extremely slowwwwly…

I HATE gay men!

9 Feb

So I spent literally hours on chat with this guy who randomly had me on his Chat-list… Smart, decently-spoken and a suitable candidate for a friend.

And hours into the conversation, he changes tone, attitude and pretty much everything when I refuse to “hook up”? What a royal waste of time, and even more of a waste of a human being…

Like GOD oh god, I hate the disgusting filth there exists in the world (yes, yes… revolting straight men too)

Lost In Transition…

21 Dec

I got home alright, but I don’t know whether I want to leave. Or when to leave.

I’m pretty much stuck here because our new apartment is sort of isolated from proper civilization, and I’m afraid to drive out on unfamiliar roads, and the metro is also miles (around 6 to be precise) away.

So in a way, I can’t wait to get out of here, and on the other hand, I’m trying to delay the commencement of my internship in Bangalore too, in order to extend my stay here, which makes no sense.

Everything is set out before me… Internship, job, apartment and what-not. The only uncertainties are the social circle I’ll find once I move, and if I’ll ever find myself romantically entangled in life. But there’s nothing new about that anyway…

So what justifies the nervousness and awkward anticipation? Why do I keep biting my nails, and tearing my lips to shreds and living on the edge? Why am I wanting to withdraw? Why don’t I ever want to step out and meet anyone? Why cannot I learn to let go?

How can I manage to be so dissatisfied, when I have no reason to be?

And when-oh-when will I get down to clearing my gigantic Google Reader backlog!!!

Different People

28 Oct

In High School, there were times when she renounced comforts to live in deplorable conditions. Even in those situations, she found reason to cheer. Whatever the adversities she faced, she took them head on, with a smile.

In High School, he always struggled to stay in his comfort zone. He didn’t know what he wanted, and the little inkling he had, he never pursued. He didn’t have the courage, or he simply thought he wouldn’t succeed. He thought injustice was being done unto him. It was, but by himself alone.
He thought that maybe in time and with a change of environment, he’d find more happiness… He did… and he wanted more…

In college, she found avenues, she forged friendships. She worked during the days, sacrificed some evenings, enjoyed the rest. She set targets, she worked towards them. She worked with optimism and dedication. In whatever she accomplished, he found satisfaction.

In college, he cursed that he had chosen the wrong path. He forged friendships that were valuable and he wanted more. When he thought he had enough, he wanted fewer and better friendships. It took him years to return to square one, and then he wanted more. The cycle would begin all over again.
He had the occasional triumph, he thought he could’ve done better. When he succeeded, he trivialized it. Then he would be morose.
He had moments of joy, many moments of joy, but he kept wondering if others were having even more. And he wanted more.
He thought that maybe a change of environment would do him good. He sought to escape, escape from his present and his past. He sought a new beginning when what he had had all along wasn’t so bad at all…

She reached out for every opportunity, she used every resource. She accomplished. She worked, it bore fruit. One day, she opened her inbox and found an acceptance letter. An even brighter future awaited her. She experienced infinite joy. She went out to celebrate. To drink and to make merry.
She wanted to share the moment with those who she considered closest to her. At half past then, when he was about to retire, she asked him to join her.

He was overjoyed for her. It wasn’t how he had planned his evening, and he was about to retire to bed, but he couldn’t say no. He set out to join her, and he entered with a smile and a laugh plastered on his face. He hugged her, danced a bit.
There were many others there; all were singing, drinking, celebrating. Maybe not celebrating any achievements, but simply celebrating life and Today.
He couldn’t find it in himself to enjoy. “Maybe if I had been drinking all evening too. Maybe if I had come sooner. Maybe if… Maybe…” Tomorrow, he’ll set out on another destination unknown. He doesn’t know where it’ll lead him, but he wonders if he’ll find the happiness that he did over here. Even if he does, he’ll yearn to have these days back again. But he won’t make use of the time he has left.
He knows that he has to change his ways, and he tries. He succeeds for a while, but then his inner self takes over. There’s an inner self that is stronger than one’s will-power. Or at least his will-power.

Some people are born winners. They take each victory in stride, and work towards another feat to celebrate. They undoubtedly go far in life, and relish every moment of it that they can.

Some are born losers. They dismiss the smallest of accomplishments and always wonder “What if…” Sheer escapists. They realize the error in their ways, but remain incorrigible nonetheless.
They think that everything that’s wrong in their lives is a small sacrifice for a better future. But the sacrifices keep coming, and the better future never seems to loom. They have ample opportunity to find joy in their lives, but they cannot reach out. They hold the key to happiness but they cannot find the door, even if it’s before their very eyes.

Can you hear those Voices too?

25 Oct

Spending an infinite amount of time with a family that you’ve never seen before, and cannot figure out your association with…

… watching a man perform fascinating acrobatics on the moon, such as fireworks and colourful displays of¬†artificially-generated light-rings (really! on the moon!), that dissipate into the universe… (with no explanation as to how those acrobats travel to the moon and back, and perform all those stunts, minus atmosphere and 22nd-century technology)…

… watching a so-called “Fashion Show” put up by some ugly-ducklings of the nearby college of Journalism, which culminates in the arrival of an over-dressed dorky ex-student, who according to them epitomizes attitude and “hotness”. (His arrival is greeted with the aforementioned performance-on-the-moon)…

These are a few of the absolutely arbit dreams that I vindictively attempted to deprive myself of, last night. As I was falling asleep, the voices in my head chanted in unison that one can determine what dreams one is to have during the night, by mulling over desirable themes as the senses dim.
One should never trust the voices within one’s head post midnight. This morning, they have revised their pearls of wisdom to “One can control what sort of trip one is to have, by thinking of appropriate thoughts just before he begins to smoke up.”
Utterly misleading, I tell you.

Thus I lay there last night attempting to keep my mind devoid of any thoughts, imaginary conversations and reflections. I attempted to do so by concentrating hard on the sound that the fan was making.

” ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† the fan sounds funny. It’s so qui- ¬†SHHHHHHHHHH! NO TALKING!”

” ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† wow, i really hope this works, because i really deserv- SSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! STOP THINKING! CONCENTRATE ON THE SOUND OF THE FAN!

” ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† i wonder why i ever desire a companion at the swimming pool. the conversations in my head are enough to keep a person enterta- SHUT UP ALREADY!”

” ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†i wonder if we’ll keep driving him insane his whole life with our chattering. we should give him a little peace and quiet sometimes… ¬† ¬† ¬† Now would be a jolly good time to start!

What I need is a lifetime supply of good medication. The voices in my head are becoming stronger. Not once, not twice but several times has Hagatha caught my lips moving. “What are you thinking about?” she laughs each time. I consider it a breach of privacy, her knowing about the voices in my head. Nonetheless, it is only I who is responsible for letting them prosper all these years, and now, make their way to the exterior.
Yes indeed, I need a supply of good medication.