Tag Archives: Frustrations

Woe-be-me

2 Jul

I’m going mmmaaaddd for some reason. So much/so little is happening and it’s driving me up the wall, don’t ask why. Maybe it’s the heat. Maybe it’s the afternoon heat, since mornings are usually very, very cool… almost like Bangalore. It’s windy and one doesn’t even need to turn the fan on. Then the afternoon sets in, and so does the hot, sultry weather.

A) I’m seriously falling for a fella who’s all the way back in Bangalore (the terrace-guy) and actively wanting a relationship with someone else. I like to think about him before I go to sleep or after I wake up, and I’d give anything to be able to hold and kiss him right now (and bite his neck). And there’s no way I can tell him that.

B) My almost-daily gymming has started showing results, and now I’m paranoid that even if I miss out for one day, they’ll magically vanish. And that I finished my protein powder yesterday is threatening my peace-of-mind and bank-balance.

C) I met this really, really cute dude (I’ve been in touch with for months online) in Delhi the other day. Meeting him again this evening. I have constant urges to kiss him, but I cannot for the lack of private space. And he’s a little camp, so cannot bring him home 😦

D) A fellow blogger-ess got drunk last night and rang me up, just as I was going to bed… My SIM was in another phone, so her name did not flash, and I couldn’t for my life figure out who the hell it was (since we’d never spoken before), and I thought something was wrong with the handset! She’s so cute when she’s drunk! Fun conversation 🙂

E) Spent the ENTIRE day at the hospital where a cousin was recovering from some funny-surgery business. Now he’s one cousin I can simply make no conversation with, but lo behold, I spent the entire day. No, not talking to him but to my sis-in-law, and the occasional visiting friends. A day I was dreading turned out to be not so bad. Can’t imagine I used to be awkward and tongue tied all through my childhood when I’m so perfectly capable of making random conversation. Except with that cousin of course!

F) There are recurring water problems in the society we live in. Infrequent, but recurring. It isn’t because there’s any lack of water, but because the water pump keeps breaking down and the new society admin. is too damn slow to take action. We’ve been waterless since last-night, and will continue to be till around 4-5 today, and I need to go out to lunch at 1!!! And I haven’t shaved in like a century, and I’m really desperate. And all I have to get ready is 3/4th of a bucket of (slightly muddy) water. Gahhhhhh!

Driving me up the wall…

2 May

So relations with Hagatha are at quite a low… Frankly I’m losing patience…

For one thing, the girl tells me nothing about her own personal life, and on top of that, believes that she has full authority on the details of mine. Which is clearly not happening.

So having cut her out (discreetly) from one aspect of my life, I’m wondering if I’ll be able to take her at all…

The problem is that the girl is becoming blonde-r by the minute. It doesn’t help that her new boyfriend, a close friend of mine too, has no sense of logic whatsoever. It truly is rubbing onto her. Apart from that, she has this annoying habit of blatantly answering to any annoyed remarks that I might make with blatant defensive lies without giving it a moment of thought…

For instance,

Me: Give me my keys please
H: (Looks around in her bag, unsuccessfully) I already gave it to you…
Me: No, you didn’t!
H: (Keeps looking) Yes, I did!
Me: WHEN?
H: I don’t remember… I don’t have it… I must’ve given it to you…
H: (Consequently finds it) Oh sorry, I didn’t…

How CAN one lie through one’s teeth with so much conviction and be absolutely oblivious that she’s talking nonsense?

A few weeks ago, I came back from the gym and found that the geyser had been left on long enough for the fuse to cut off (restoring which isn’t my favourite hobby, and hence I prefer to turn the geyser off after the required running time of 10-15 mins) So when I limp out of my bath, because the boiling hot water has scathed the undersides of my feet, I ask her in a near-defeated voice..

Me: How long ago did you turn the geyser on???
H: (Absolutely without thinking or flinching) I just turned it on 10 minutes ago…
Me: Are you serious?
H: (The idiotic “Ohhh, it’s striking me now” expression) No, no, no… it’s been longer than that…

2 nights ago, I was murmuring that someone who I simply don’t recall, had added me on Facebook, and I didn’t want to add him without placing him… He’d used some gibberish expression for his screen-name, but had a clear picture on display…

Me: Gah, I don’t remember him at all…
H: So just send him a message and ask him…
Me: He’s obviously from college… and we have some common friends too… I don’t like asking people I’m supposed to be knowing who they are…
H: So what? He’s even using some gibberish characters for his screen-name
Me: But his photograph is damn clear…
H: So it’s not necessary that you can see it…
Me: Because I’m visually impaired???
H: No… maybe it isn’t visible to you…
Me: But it’s right there…  Obviously it’s visible to me!
H: It’s not necessary! There could be some permissions or something…
Me: He would be knowing what permissions he’s set…
H: It’s not necessary…
Me: WHAT are you saying?
H: What? It’s possible…
Me: Are you even thinking before talking?
H: It’s possible!
Me: PLEASE stop talking NOW!

And the last incident in this seriously bitchy post, that I simply need to get out of my system before I e-x-p-l-o-d-e…

So yesterday, when they were moving out, she came up to me and told me she was throwing some laundry for washing. Needless to say, I was surprised to see her carrying my towel in the pile…

Me: Were you using that towel?
H: Ya…
Me: That it was the only towel in my bathroom did not convey to you that I might’ve been using it?
H: But it was the only one…
Me: Why couldn’t you just take out a fresh one?
H: I don’t know where they’re kept.
Me: Seriously?!
H: No!
Me: Seriously?!
H: I don’t!
Mag: On top of the cupboard…
H: (The idiotic “Ohhh, it’s striking me now” expression) Ohhhh, of course!

The girl has visited over several weeks, each time I have taken out a fresh towel and handed it to her from the shelf on top of my cupboard where I keep all my linen (the only storage space in my entire room apart from my cupboard… a gorilla could’ve found it without ever having known before)

And then 2 days later, she sends me sentimental messages about how I keep losing my patience with her and she has no inkling whatsoever of why I do that… And when I ask her to identify a common pattern that she may observe if she attempts to trace every incident in which I snapped at her, she still says “I have no idea”…

If there’s anything that I lack in character, it’s
1. patience
and
2. tolerance of extreme stupidity
.

CAN ANYONE HELP ME?

Happiness is momentary, impatience is for life…

24 Apr

So I spent countless weeks impatiently refreshing my e-mail inbox, had countless phone-calls arranged to the HR of the company and had fervid day-dreams playing over and over in my mind of snubbing the company when they did send an offer letter…

And then it finally came. And then the excitement. Lasted all of one night.

Now life is dull again. It might be because there’s no mention of travel allowance in the contract (who doesn’t want to be able to say, “Oh, my company is paying for my flight…” right after they graduate) or any other benefits, but that would’ve prolonged the elation by at most 2 hours…

But well, at least I’m in a position to plan my life better, eh? It shall be time to go house-hunting soon! I’m keeping one whole month free for myself before I commence corporate life. Speaking of which, I simply cannot wait to be in my own apartment! To have full control of everything, to be king of my kitchen, to be able to limit the number of hours that sports channels are permitted to be watched on my TV (or better, to not have a TV at all!), to have Wi-Fi internet!

Sigh, these next 2 months are going to pass extremely slowwwwly…

I HATE gay men!

9 Feb

So I spent literally hours on chat with this guy who randomly had me on his Chat-list… Smart, decently-spoken and a suitable candidate for a friend.

And hours into the conversation, he changes tone, attitude and pretty much everything when I refuse to “hook up”? What a royal waste of time, and even more of a waste of a human being…

Like GOD oh god, I hate the disgusting filth there exists in the world (yes, yes… revolting straight men too)

Lost In Transition…

21 Dec

I got home alright, but I don’t know whether I want to leave. Or when to leave.

I’m pretty much stuck here because our new apartment is sort of isolated from proper civilization, and I’m afraid to drive out on unfamiliar roads, and the metro is also miles (around 6 to be precise) away.

So in a way, I can’t wait to get out of here, and on the other hand, I’m trying to delay the commencement of my internship in Bangalore too, in order to extend my stay here, which makes no sense.

Everything is set out before me… Internship, job, apartment and what-not. The only uncertainties are the social circle I’ll find once I move, and if I’ll ever find myself romantically entangled in life. But there’s nothing new about that anyway…

So what justifies the nervousness and awkward anticipation? Why do I keep biting my nails, and tearing my lips to shreds and living on the edge? Why am I wanting to withdraw? Why don’t I ever want to step out and meet anyone? Why cannot I learn to let go?

How can I manage to be so dissatisfied, when I have no reason to be?

And when-oh-when will I get down to clearing my gigantic Google Reader backlog!!!

Different People

28 Oct

In High School, there were times when she renounced comforts to live in deplorable conditions. Even in those situations, she found reason to cheer. Whatever the adversities she faced, she took them head on, with a smile.

In High School, he always struggled to stay in his comfort zone. He didn’t know what he wanted, and the little inkling he had, he never pursued. He didn’t have the courage, or he simply thought he wouldn’t succeed. He thought injustice was being done unto him. It was, but by himself alone.
He thought that maybe in time and with a change of environment, he’d find more happiness… He did… and he wanted more…

In college, she found avenues, she forged friendships. She worked during the days, sacrificed some evenings, enjoyed the rest. She set targets, she worked towards them. She worked with optimism and dedication. In whatever she accomplished, he found satisfaction.

In college, he cursed that he had chosen the wrong path. He forged friendships that were valuable and he wanted more. When he thought he had enough, he wanted fewer and better friendships. It took him years to return to square one, and then he wanted more. The cycle would begin all over again.
He had the occasional triumph, he thought he could’ve done better. When he succeeded, he trivialized it. Then he would be morose.
He had moments of joy, many moments of joy, but he kept wondering if others were having even more. And he wanted more.
He thought that maybe a change of environment would do him good. He sought to escape, escape from his present and his past. He sought a new beginning when what he had had all along wasn’t so bad at all…

She reached out for every opportunity, she used every resource. She accomplished. She worked, it bore fruit. One day, she opened her inbox and found an acceptance letter. An even brighter future awaited her. She experienced infinite joy. She went out to celebrate. To drink and to make merry.
She wanted to share the moment with those who she considered closest to her. At half past then, when he was about to retire, she asked him to join her.

He was overjoyed for her. It wasn’t how he had planned his evening, and he was about to retire to bed, but he couldn’t say no. He set out to join her, and he entered with a smile and a laugh plastered on his face. He hugged her, danced a bit.
There were many others there; all were singing, drinking, celebrating. Maybe not celebrating any achievements, but simply celebrating life and Today.
He couldn’t find it in himself to enjoy. “Maybe if I had been drinking all evening too. Maybe if I had come sooner. Maybe if… Maybe…” Tomorrow, he’ll set out on another destination unknown. He doesn’t know where it’ll lead him, but he wonders if he’ll find the happiness that he did over here. Even if he does, he’ll yearn to have these days back again. But he won’t make use of the time he has left.
He knows that he has to change his ways, and he tries. He succeeds for a while, but then his inner self takes over. There’s an inner self that is stronger than one’s will-power. Or at least his will-power.

Some people are born winners. They take each victory in stride, and work towards another feat to celebrate. They undoubtedly go far in life, and relish every moment of it that they can.

Some are born losers. They dismiss the smallest of accomplishments and always wonder “What if…” Sheer escapists. They realize the error in their ways, but remain incorrigible nonetheless.
They think that everything that’s wrong in their lives is a small sacrifice for a better future. But the sacrifices keep coming, and the better future never seems to loom. They have ample opportunity to find joy in their lives, but they cannot reach out. They hold the key to happiness but they cannot find the door, even if it’s before their very eyes.

Can you hear those Voices too?

25 Oct

Spending an infinite amount of time with a family that you’ve never seen before, and cannot figure out your association with…

… watching a man perform fascinating acrobatics on the moon, such as fireworks and colourful displays of artificially-generated light-rings (really! on the moon!), that dissipate into the universe… (with no explanation as to how those acrobats travel to the moon and back, and perform all those stunts, minus atmosphere and 22nd-century technology)…

… watching a so-called “Fashion Show” put up by some ugly-ducklings of the nearby college of Journalism, which culminates in the arrival of an over-dressed dorky ex-student, who according to them epitomizes attitude and “hotness”. (His arrival is greeted with the aforementioned performance-on-the-moon)…

These are a few of the absolutely arbit dreams that I vindictively attempted to deprive myself of, last night. As I was falling asleep, the voices in my head chanted in unison that one can determine what dreams one is to have during the night, by mulling over desirable themes as the senses dim.
One should never trust the voices within one’s head post midnight. This morning, they have revised their pearls of wisdom to “One can control what sort of trip one is to have, by thinking of appropriate thoughts just before he begins to smoke up.”
Utterly misleading, I tell you.

Thus I lay there last night attempting to keep my mind devoid of any thoughts, imaginary conversations and reflections. I attempted to do so by concentrating hard on the sound that the fan was making.

”                                                                                                                   the fan sounds funny. It’s so qui-  SHHHHHHHHHH! NO TALKING!”

”                                                                                                                   wow, i really hope this works, because i really deserv- SSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! STOP THINKING! CONCENTRATE ON THE SOUND OF THE FAN!

”                                                                                                                   i wonder why i ever desire a companion at the swimming pool. the conversations in my head are enough to keep a person enterta- SHUT UP ALREADY!”

”                                                                                                                    i wonder if we’ll keep driving him insane his whole life with our chattering. we should give him a little peace and quiet sometimes…       Now would be a jolly good time to start!

What I need is a lifetime supply of good medication. The voices in my head are becoming stronger. Not once, not twice but several times has Hagatha caught my lips moving. “What are you thinking about?” she laughs each time. I consider it a breach of privacy, her knowing about the voices in my head. Nonetheless, it is only I who is responsible for letting them prosper all these years, and now, make their way to the exterior.
Yes indeed, I need a supply of good medication.

Back to the grind

23 Jul

Right, so it took some time but Unsung is posting again. Yay for that 🙂

So I’m back here, in this little ole town of mine. Lots has changed… my room, for one. We moved across the corridor, so I took the opportunity to sort out my things before putting them away, and discard what I think I’d be unlikely to take back home.
For instance, several kinds of hair oils, herbal shampoos and what not, that were supposed to help me save my hair, but failed miserably.

My fishie, Marcello, is back with me. He’s bleeding on the sides, so I’m not aware how long he’s likely to hang on. I’m told by my fish-caretaker-cum-friend that he’d popped in one of my friends’ fish into Marcello’s tank, and it died. I wouldn’t put it past Marci to be responsible for it. Since I’m not into fish-fights or that sort of entertainment, I’m not very proud of him. Then again, it’s all about the survival of the fittest, no?

In other news, Vikram, the person I met for 3 of my last 5 nights in Delhi, seems to be lost and perpetually busy now. Strange how people find it hard to make time for those who are physically remote. I almost feel exploited, but whatever we shared was mutual, so not so much. I didn’t let myself get emotionally attached thankfully (particularly since I think I’m still emotionally attached elsewhere… no, no details about that over here!) so that helped a lot as well.
Nonetheless, it was a good lesson on how it works in the community, back in Delhi. And I was prepared for it, so I’m not surprised. It seems I’m “growing up” (what I would’ve earlier called “losing my innocence”).
One thing is for sure… I was right about the fact that life is extremely bland without at least the prospect for some romantic entaglement. No, I don’t speak for everyone… just me!

Hagatha has been going on and on about how she used to see countless gay couples in Bangalore, in coffee shops and bakeries etc. which again sounds a bit tempting. Should I give the city a shot? If I do, it’s a 4-6 month commitment. I’m utterly confused! On the positive side, I’d be living away from home. Then again, the folks didn’t come in my way, much. On the negative, I might be living near the sister. I simply cannot make up my mind on that one!
But wherever I land up, it’s all good as long as it’s at least 5 times the size of this town!

It’s supposed to be raining like mad over here, but surprisingly is not. One only has showers for a few minutes, 4-5 times a day. Otherwise, it’s cloudy, windy and very pleasant.
Last night however, when I was returning to the hostel with a friend at half past eleven, we discovered that the gate we usually climb over to get into the campus, has been declared off-limits for tresspassers with the help of some barbed wire. So we discovered a stretch of boundary wall that did not have shards of broken glass to ward off wall-climbers, such as ourselves. I hauled myself up with some effort, and was sitting on it, waiting for him to join me so that we’d jump off the other side. He was unable to follow (which made me pretty proud of meself!).
At the exact comical moment, while I was perched on the wall, and he on the ground, it started raining! Raining? It was pouring cats and dogs!
So I sat there on the compound wall, looking like a foolish, petty thief, caught in the act. Since the wall is pretty high and the stone ground was wet and slippery, I risked my well-being by jumping off on either side. So I sat there, in the rain, on a compound wall for some 10 minutes, he mulling over whether he should risk climbing up, and I wondering if I should jump down, and if yes, then on which side of the wall. Eventually, I clambered down on the other side, clinging to the edge of the wall and effectively scratching myself quite severely. He walked around it.

Anyway, not much happening this side. Seems that my life is heading for a dull turn! I really hope that doesn’t happen!

In other news, I spoke to this fellow on chat yesterday, who I came across randomly. The fellow had a display picture, and seemed offended that I couldn’t place him. He’s allegedly a former Mr. India, hosts some lifestyle shows and works in English and Indian cinema, when he’s not busy practicing medicine. Oh, and he was born and brought up in S. Africa. Any leads?

If you love me…

17 Jul

… and if you’re rich…

then hop down to Ambience Mall in Gurgaon, enter French Connection. On the left wall, you’ll find a bunch of white and black Tee’s hanging on display. I don’t know if I can call them Tee’s. More like designer tops. They have a deep V-shaped neckline with about 7-10 buttons. Pick one up for me and courier it please! Mom wouldn’t let me buy one. She said, in her exact words, “Oh please, that’s so gay!”

Okay, I’m kidding. I don’t really want anyone to buy it for me. But buy it for yourself, if you’re (a man) in good shape. (Otherwise, get in shape, and THEN buy it.)

So I spent 2 hours in office, running around to get my completion certificate. My Project Head gave me very suitable feedback. (“Needs to show more technical inquisitiveness.”) The HR chick was very sweet. (“Stay in Touch!”)

Then I joined Mum at the mall, who’d been walking around, waiting for me… bored & hungry.

When I got there, she said “Do you need to buy anything?” which ticked me off immediately. Then she said, “Let’s head downstairs… you can stop at a shop or two, on the way, in case you want anything.”
There’s only so much one can ignore one’s own kid when he’s reading out his shopping requirements. And there’s only so much lack of interest that one can show, when he’s trying to shop and NEEDS a companion’s involvement. There’s only so much one can complain about not having any variety around, in a shopping mall that boasts of over 1 k.m. of shopping.
She crossed all those limits.

Eventually, I gave up and we left without picking up anything. Yes, I indeed desire to perform futile exercises on my second last day in Delhi.

As we were nearing home, I thought I’d seek compensation in terms of  picking up some Proteins that I could use when I’m back in college and gymming again. As we neared the market, she drove staright home, saying she was too tired. (From all the shopping that we did, apparently.)

I’m meeting Vikram (was that it?) for Harry Potter tonight. Told him I’d dine at home, and meet him directly for the film… spend some quality time with my Mum and Dad.
Now I think I’ll dine with him, as well. Mum won’t distract herself from the TV to pay any attention to me (unless I’m bleeding profusely or something) and Dad and I always end up fighting anyway.

Mama’s Revenge & Brilliant Week that was…

22 Apr

So it started with me feeling pretty low over having to give Brazil a pass. Thus I wrote the last post, which you should read before continuing with this post.

To the best of my abilities, I believe I’ve stated everything in that post matter-of-factly and without much bias. There is however one tiny detail of the story that I must share now, and why, I shall explain later.

In our surmising conversations, mom told me that though she firmly felt against the entire Brazil affair, she would support me 100% in whatever decision I finally took. After I told her that the last call was hers, owing to the financial investment involved, she asked me to seek yet another oracle’s advice on the matter.
She asked me to take two pieces of paper, write “Yes” on one and “No” on another, and pick one. Whichever the one I picked, I should follow. I pointed out that she was being childish and ridiculous. She said her heart felt she was doing the right thing. I went berserk on that one, and there was more yelling. Eventually, I decided to give in to her, and slammed the phone. I had just about finished writing my email to the organisation stating that I was refusing the offer, that I stopped myself. I tore out 2 equal sized pieces of paper, wrote “No” on one and “Go” on another, folded them identically, gave them a shuffle, closed my eyes, dropped them and picked one. It said “No”. I sent the email.

Next day, I was getting ready for college. I saw the two pieces of paper lying on the table. I picked them up, gave them a shuffle, dropped them and picked one, with my eyes shut. It said No.

Later that evening, I was telling Tanuja about the entire episode. The 2 pieces of paper were lying on the table. I repeated the entire exercise. It said No.

I repeated it 2 more times, to the same result. On the 3rd day, I decided to throw those chits away. But just before I did, I shuffled them, closed my eyes and picked one. It said No.

The reason I’m telling you all of this was because moments after I wrote the last post, minus this particular incident mentioned in it (because the post had gotten lengthy, and I had become tired; and because this incident wasn’t quite fitting into the theme of the last post, tracing my desire to fly away, from infancy till today) I lost my wallet on the way to the gym, after having withdrawn about one grand, to pay for my month’s membership. It just fell out of my bag, while I was riding on my cycle. Almost as if it was avenging my not mentioning that I hadn’t mentioned the oracle in my post. With the wallet went a month’s gym membership, several ATM cards (including my college ID), a credit card, library card and so on and so forth.
After discovering the loss and being unable to find it, I started wondering whether the atrocity of my crime invited such penalty.

After 2 days, I got some respite this morning. I woke up to discover an SMS from an acquaintance who I’d shot a short film for, informing me that she had uploaded it and sent me a link. So I forced myself awake at 7.30, on a holiday, to watch it. Thankfully, I was delighted with the result (barring maybe 1 or 2 frames) and shot off the link to close family and friends.

In the entire day, I received feedback from 3 individuals. Rakesh, as always, was gracious with his compliment. Pankaj, on the other hand, responded with a sarcastic recap of the entire sequence, ending in “….. Even the way it made no sense whatsoever! It wasn’t just awe-some! It was awe-full!”
Though I would not find the comment unexpected of him, his generosity absent mindedly responded using “Reply To All” thereby sending his encouraging feedback to everyone I’d sent the video to… school friends, my friend here, some gay friends in Delhi and my parents and sister. Having realised his mistake later, he sent me a curt apology followed by another Reply-To-All email, with a rather feeble cover-up.

Jay sent in the last bit of good-natured feedback “OH-MY-GAWD!! This was SO bad (you, not the movie)! 😀 😀 Thanks for making my day!! 😀 😀 😀 I owe ya one! :D”
I would’ve normally laughed it off, and pretend-kicked him, but naturally, the past few days haven’t left me in the mood to do so, to await any more feedback, to drop in at the cast-and-crew dinner this evening, or anything else for that matter.

No, don’t bother asking me for a link, even if you know me personally. And no “Cheer Up” comments either, please. Sometimes, one should be left alone to grow tired of one’s own misery… or used to it, whichever.

Sometimes, I wish I really did believe in god, just so that I had someone to reprehend.

____

Update – 9.30 PM

The sister just dropped in a compliment (in-disguise, I suppose)… on Reply-To-All, as usual

“hahahahahahahahahahahhaha
very funny Unsung,,,,you are an ACTOR
i am surprised that you could show a punch…i half imagined it would fall flat but not bad!” 

 

Update 2 – 9.58 PM

Hagatha read the emails and the feedback. She rang me, but somehow, I didn’t notice. Even if I did, I doubt I would’ve answered.
When I didn’t answer, she left an SMS saying “You mustn’t stop acting.” Like I would, for my near and dear ones having their laugh at my expense. Yet, she’s one sweet little thing. Wish I could be a more worthy friend to her. 

To make myself feel better, I decided to open my 2nd last can of Diet Coke. Then I thought I’d put the little bit of Rum lying in my cupboard to use, after all these months. It’s 10.00 PM and I think I’m going to call it a day. I’m not sleepy, but I don’t think that matters.

____ 


I leave you with this video that I’m listening to, over and over again at the moment. While the theme of the video doesn’t go with the post, the mood certainly does…