Hi,
So you told me through the week “not to think so much. Take it one day at a time. Fuck the future, live for now.” and that you’d teach me how to relax, and enjoy life. But I suppose that’s just not me. Sure, I gave it a shot and it was working fine, but then the weekend came along and brought with it developments that just wouldn’t allow me not to give it some thoughts. I also understand how you keep telling me to not keep anything in the confines of my questioning mind, and to say it out loud to you, lest it trouble me, which is very thoughtful of you. But then I’d rather not expose this perpetually-questioning side of myself to you, bearing in mind your insistence that I do not “think so much”.
So we’ve been on the phone for literally hours over the past week, and have messaged each other throughout the day. Then came the weekend, and you came back to town. You were very eager to meet me, and I was eager to meet you, so we decided not to leave matters till Saturday, and instead you stopped for a brief fifteen or twenty minutes on your way home, so that we could meet in person.
And we did, and that went brilliantly. You say you’re particular about informing the other person after meeting him that you’re not interested, if that be the situation, and you only messaged me an “Ah, I could kiss you endlessly” and “i’m so glad we met, online and today” so I’m guessing that situation didn’t apply to us.
Then we thought we’d meet for some time today, and that didn’t happen since you had to go out for lunch with family, and take them shopping. I appreciate that you’re a family person and prioritize them over everything. I really do appreciate that and I understand completely. And now, you’re too tired from driving all day to come and meet me. Which discourages me for traveling to YOUR town on Tuesday exclusively to meet you, which you seem keen on, even though you’ve not explicitly expressed. Besides, my friends might be heading back to my university town for 2 days, and I’d want to go with them. So if you prioritize family and friends over meeting me, surely I should do that too, right?
Tomorrow, you return to work and we won’t be able to meet then. To be honest, you haven’t been able to find time to meet me in the span of time that we’d be in the same city each week, so I don’t know how much we’d be able to meet over the next few months. As it is, you’re not coming to town next weekend, and I might be going out for the weekend two weekends after that. So that would roughly give us a few hours in the entire month.
With that much time of personal interaction, it would roughly require us months to reach the stage whereby it would be suitable for us to stop and analyze if this was going anywhere, right? Or at least by your principles? Well, I cannot stifle my thoughts for that long a period, and I cannot share these with you post 15 minutes of interaction, so I’m going to pen them down here just to get them out of my mind.
What I’m wondering is where this, what we have between us… the endless conversations, and SMSing, could possibly lead to. Neither of us have expressed a gigantic appetite for sex, and it hasn’t as much as been mentioned ever, so clearly, we’re not seeking “fun” here (not that we could if we wanted to, because we’d never be alone in a room for a few months at least, going by current trends).
The contemplation of a relationship would be bizarre at this stage, and if I even mentioned it, you’d go running to the other end of the universe because we’ve met for 15 minutes till date and could manage at the most a few hours together in the next month. So I would consider it inappropriate as well. Again, you’ve not mentioned it (being as straightforward with your thoughts as you say you are) so I suppose it hasn’t crossed your mind.
In fact, when I mentioned earlier today that I was considering removing my profile from the networking website, it was almost as if I hit a panic button, and you were firing questions as to why I’d want to do that. (And would you look at that, you’re online as we speak.)
So are the both of us, who seemingly connect so well, are attracted to each other in so many ways and are the first persons we message when we go to sleep and wake up in the morning, setting out to build a hopefully strong friendship? Because I would understand that just fine, and would probably be okay with it, but I’d want to know and possibly reduce the frequency of our telephone conversations. But I simply don’t know how to ask you that question.
So that isn’t saying much. We may not get to spend much time together, we don’t know what we’re both looking for, and I don’t know how to ask you because you keep insisting that I don’t think much and take it one day at a time. Having said that, we’re not hunting for sex (with each other) and wouldn’t have the opportunity to which we both realize, so there’s more to it than that. Is this a friendship? Because if it were, I’d want you to at least message me once saying “I’m glad to have a friend like you”.
Tags: Confusion
As they say…