Tag Archives: Confusion

Ain’t all hunky-dory in the city?

4 Mar

I’m going through Sex And The City far quicker than is for my own good… It’s so comforting… 4 very hot ladies, hooking up with fairly attractive men one after the other, never settling down, no happy ending.
It’s so comforting when it doesn’t end happily ever after. Just hope that I’m fabulous & single by the time I’m in my mid-30’s (if I’m still alive, that is)…

But no happily ever after. And it’s still television, so it isn’t real life. But it captures the reality of real life in a very artificial way. So. Bloody. Confusing.

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A Letter, from the Paranoid Mind

13 Mar

Hi,

So you told me through the week “not to think so much. Take it one day at a time. Fuck the future, live for now.” and that you’d teach me how to relax, and enjoy life. But I suppose that’s just not me. Sure, I gave it a shot and it was working fine, but then the weekend came along and brought with it developments that just wouldn’t allow me not to give it some thoughts. I also understand how you keep telling me to not keep anything in the confines of my questioning mind, and to say it out loud to you, lest it trouble me, which is very thoughtful of you. But then I’d rather not expose this perpetually-questioning side of myself to you, bearing in mind your insistence that I do not “think so much”.

So we’ve been on the phone for literally hours over the past week, and have messaged each other throughout the day. Then came the weekend, and you came back to town. You were very eager to meet me, and I was eager to meet you, so we decided not to leave matters till Saturday, and instead you stopped for a brief fifteen or twenty minutes on your way home, so that we could meet in person.
And we did, and that went brilliantly. You say you’re particular about informing the other person after meeting him that you’re not interested, if that be the situation, and you only messaged me an “Ah, I could kiss you endlessly” and “i’m so glad we met, online and today” so I’m guessing that situation didn’t apply to us.
Then we thought we’d meet for some time today, and that didn’t happen since you had to go out for lunch with family, and take them shopping. I appreciate that you’re a family person and prioritize them over everything. I really do appreciate that and I understand completely. And now, you’re too tired from driving all day to come and meet me. Which discourages me for traveling to YOUR town on Tuesday exclusively to meet you, which you seem keen on, even though you’ve not explicitly expressed. Besides, my friends might be heading back to my university town for 2 days, and I’d want to go with them. So if you prioritize family and friends over meeting me, surely I should do that too, right?
Tomorrow, you return to work and we won’t be able to meet then. To be honest, you haven’t been able to find time to meet me in the span of time that we’d be in the same city each week, so I don’t know how much we’d be able to meet over the next few months. As it is, you’re not coming to town next weekend, and I might be going out for the weekend two weekends after that. So that would roughly give us a few hours in the entire month.

With that much time of personal interaction, it would roughly require us months to reach the stage whereby it would be suitable for us to stop and analyze if this was going anywhere, right? Or at least by your principles? Well, I cannot stifle my thoughts for that long a period, and I cannot share these with you post 15 minutes of interaction, so I’m going to pen them down here just to get them out of my mind.

What I’m wondering is where this, what we have between us… the endless conversations, and SMSing, could possibly lead to. Neither of us have expressed a gigantic appetite for sex, and it hasn’t as much as been mentioned ever, so clearly, we’re not seeking  “fun” here (not that we could if we wanted to, because we’d never be alone in a room for a few months at least, going by current trends).

The contemplation of a relationship would be bizarre at this stage, and if I even mentioned it, you’d go running to the other end of the universe because we’ve met for 15 minutes till date and could manage at the most a few hours together in the next month. So I would consider it inappropriate as well. Again, you’ve not mentioned it (being as straightforward with your thoughts as you say you are) so I suppose it hasn’t crossed your mind.
In fact, when I mentioned earlier today that I was considering removing my profile from the networking website, it was almost as if I hit a panic button, and you were firing questions as to why I’d want to do that. (And would you look at that, you’re online as we speak.)

So are the both of us, who seemingly connect so well, are attracted to each other in so many ways and are the first persons we message when we go to sleep and wake up in the morning, setting out to build a hopefully strong friendship? Because I would understand that just fine, and would probably be okay with it, but I’d want to know and possibly reduce the frequency of our telephone conversations. But I simply don’t know how to ask you that question.

So that isn’t saying much. We may not get to spend much time together, we don’t know what we’re both looking for, and I don’t know how to ask you because you keep insisting that I don’t think much and take it one day at a time. Having said that, we’re not hunting for sex (with each other) and wouldn’t have the opportunity to which we both realize, so there’s more to it than that. Is this a friendship? Because if it were, I’d want you to at least message me once saying “I’m glad to have a friend like you”.

And all those insecurities…

11 Mar

… that I could have only guessed existed, begin to show their ugly face. He tells me to take it easy, and not to think so much, but am I even capable of it?

What I need is someone to seize control of  my insanity and my paranoia. Who can manipulate me for my own good. Possible to achieve, you think?

I need someone who can do that, and promise to remain loyal forever.
Impossible, that.

All of this in 4 days. I don’t think I’m ever going to get a break, in life…

Lost In Transition…

21 Dec

I got home alright, but I don’t know whether I want to leave. Or when to leave.

I’m pretty much stuck here because our new apartment is sort of isolated from proper civilization, and I’m afraid to drive out on unfamiliar roads, and the metro is also miles (around 6 to be precise) away.

So in a way, I can’t wait to get out of here, and on the other hand, I’m trying to delay the commencement of my internship in Bangalore too, in order to extend my stay here, which makes no sense.

Everything is set out before me… Internship, job, apartment and what-not. The only uncertainties are the social circle I’ll find once I move, and if I’ll ever find myself romantically entangled in life. But there’s nothing new about that anyway…

So what justifies the nervousness and awkward anticipation? Why do I keep biting my nails, and tearing my lips to shreds and living on the edge? Why am I wanting to withdraw? Why don’t I ever want to step out and meet anyone? Why cannot I learn to let go?

How can I manage to be so dissatisfied, when I have no reason to be?

And when-oh-when will I get down to clearing my gigantic Google Reader backlog!!!

I believe I can Fly

13 Nov

So ex-roomie and I had a dance-off at a crazy party, an hour or two ago. Was insane. He won, I was too tired. A first for me!

So what’s new? Yesterday, I was depressed all day. I received an email informing me that certain students had qualified for an interview by a company, and I was the first or second person in line who had missed the cut-off. I was extremely depressed because the work description sounded rather suitable.
In the evening, I was relieved to hear that the location was in Chennai. Even more reason to celebrate… there’s no way in hell I want to spend 6 months there when Bangalore is an option.

This morning, I was EVEN more delighted to hear that the stipend being paid is (a measly) 500 less than what my present internship offer has quoted. Hurray Hurray!

And lo behold, last I heard, they had lowered the cut-off, and I was now eligible!

So I had all of 5 minutes to decide whether or not I wanted to appear for the exam. I was told that the first written round was entirely an aptitude round, and would be a CAT aspirant’s baby. So I said, “what the heck” and wrote it.
They took 60 of the top unplaced students of the batch, and reduced it to 16. I made the cut-off.

Naturally, in round 2 I would have to under-perform in order to not go further in the selection process. Afterall, I didn’t want this internship and didn’t want to deny it to someone who wanted it. So I under-performed… or so I thought.
I have an interview tomorrow morning.

I feel so guilty. I actually attended a party and got as high as I could to offset the guilt.

On the way back, ex-roomie (who called me his “best roomate ever” 🙂 ) insisted on taking me on a bike ride, before taking us back to our hostel.

We must’ve been on the road for at least 30 minutes, at an average speed of 90 kmph. We saw some glorious sights. It was a glorious experience. It was DAMN scary. But I practically flew tonight. I practically flew. And I saw corners of the town I never thought I would, and that I wouldn’t recognise in daylight.

But I flew tonight. Tomorrow, I must be interviewed, so now I should sleep.

Bonne nuit!

Losing Battles

6 Aug

Came to college with many hopes and expectations. I thought I’d have 5 memorable months ahead of me. So far, it doesn’t seem too good.

Final semester in college, and everything is dismal. Everybody’s studying sick for GRE and CAT. I’m taking neither. I feel uncertain.

Few companies are coming to recruit. None of the mass recruiters came. Everybody’s worried, including those preparing and counting on entrance exams for further studies. The realization doesn’t hit me, and I don’t feel like budging an inch. I didn’t sit for the first company because the nature of work didn’t inspire me. The second one arrives on Monday and is very suitable, but I have no motivation left to study. This reduces my options to zero, and I can only feel depressed about it. I don’t perform well under depression.

I signed up for another exchange program today, hoping to land a six month training somewhere in Europe. My curriculum vitae seems bland, and I’m not optimistic.

The hair-fall is back, and ferocious. The front scalp is becoming increasingly visible. I’ve increased my frequency of oiling to daily. It’s not helping. I’m starting to succumb and accept. I’m starting to mentally prepare.

When I was in Delhi, I went to mom and almost begged her to take notice and take me to a trichologist. She said she would, but didn’t find the time. She didn’t find the time to take me to the dentist for some extractions that have been delayed 3 times so far, for periods of 6 months each time. I know I should be doing these things myself, but I cannot and I need her to do them for me, but she didn’t have the time or was too preoccupied. I know I shouldn’t hold her responsible, but I do. I’m not openly accusing her, but I cannot help holding it against her (not the dental work, but the visit to the trichologist).
My hair is falling and I’m going to feel uglier than I could ever imagine. There will be nothing left at all to look into the mirror and appreciate. It will shatter my self-confidence entirely. I know I shouldn’t be so paranoid about appearances (yes, it’s “SO gay”), but I simply am, I’ve always been, and I cannot change my DNA.

I feel I’m losing every possible battle, all at the same time, and there are none that are left to win.
Even if there were, I’m in no position to fight them.

I could view the future as extremely uncertain. Alternatively, it could turn out to be everything I was afraid of. Predictable, discouraging and downright depressing.

I think I…

14 Jul

…might have my very first official date tomorrow…

We met over coffee today (IN MY VERY OWN NEIGHBOURHOOD) and we’re planning to meet tomorrow. If not for dinner, then for a party.

I’m positively worried.