Tag Archives: Confessions

Gay it Forward

12 Jul

I swear I’m not responsible. It’s NOT a disease. But I really do think that my 3 year old cousin might be gay!

Do not scoff, do not gasp in shock. I didn’t expect it myself, but there one had it… before one’s very eyes!

He’d come back up from watering the plants with his mum. He was quite soaked, so she wanted to change him. She started pulling his T off, and he resisted and squealed. “Noooo! In the bathroom!”

Then she had to take him into the bathroom to change him, where he co-operated.

My mom and I looked at each other at the exact same time. As she smiled and said “Another Unsung Psalm in our midst”, I mouthed “Gay!” to her. An unfortunate synchronisation.

This post is about him, so I don’t expect to be questioned about me or my past or my childhood or my preferences. Such comments will not be entertained.


Up, up and away… and on the ground again

30 Apr

They say, “It happens when you’re least expecting it.”

And least was I expecting it, when it happened! No, not love… I’m not that fortunate. But last night, I was initiated to…



Yes, yes, I know drugs are uncool. But weed over here is as common as trees (for those who want it) and is a frequent indulgence by many. In most cases, it doesn’t interfere with the regular functioning of one’s life. In some, it amends it.

So it was decided in a flash, over dinner. By the time I reached my hostel, ex-roomie, who initiated me, acting on a promise he had made eons ago, was sitting and preparing the joint. I helped him a bit too, in fact, though I don’t plan to indulge in that act too regularly.

Anyway, I’ll leave out unimportant details. How did it feel? Amazing while it lasted. Unfortunately, it hardly lasted at all. He’d told me that I’d fall asleep and wake up probably in the afternoon, the next day. But I was up and about at 9.30!

Anyway, while it lasted, I remember lying down on the ground with my eyes closed. 3-4 sensations that I felt were out of the ordinary. One was that the ground beneath me was moving, quite fast, so much so that I felt I was on a ride. There was no mistake about it, the ground was moving!
Then, I had visions. Of what? Well, here’s the catch. The ex-roomie had told me that once it started acting, I’d have this sensation in my throat whereby I’d want to burp very desperately, but I’d be unable to, no matter how hard I tried.
So as I lay there on the ground, I visualised small air-bubbles shaped like sperm and moving in a similar fashion, rising to the surface of my throat and getting quite stuck there. What was amusing was that they were all labelled and numbered. In the vision, I saw that they were labelled “Enilimina”. I know, I know. Nothing of the sort exists, but that’s what they were labelled in my vision. Enilimina 1, Enilimina 2, Enilimina 3 and so on. And they were shaped like sperm, and swam from the depths of my food pipe and got stuck at the throat. Ironically, I didn’t feel any desperate need to burp, and if I did, I had no problem doing it.

Another sensation was that of the bloodflow in my veins increasing rapidly. My eyes were already red from swimming in a heavily chlorinated pool earlier that evening, and became an even deeper shade as I felt the blood flow to the eyes and everyone else rapidly quicken. It became stronger and stronger, and I could literally feel blood flowing around in my eyeballs.

The last recollection is that of voices. No, I was not imagining voices. Ex-roomie was talking to 2 other people we were with, and I could here everything he said but in 2 distinct frequencies, or should I say channels. So one of my ears heard a slightly deeper voice than the other one, though the words were the same and synchronised.

After some time, I came back to my room and went to sleep. The experience was enjoyable but not half as much as I would’ve wanted it to be. Maybe I didn’t smoke enough. I hope I get another chance again soon, cannot wait to avail it.

At breakfast the next morning, Tanuja said that she too had smoked up with a friend, in her room. The irony! Experiences were similar, but both of us are eagerly looking forward to the next experience before actually passing any judgement on the entire concept.



6.30 PM

Here’s a video I’m glad I didn’t watch when I was high! After a LONG time, I actually laughed till I cried! Check it out 🙂


Lousy Mousse & Naked Shame

18 Jan

Last night, Hagatha and I sat at a fancy restaurant, after our sumptuous dinner of Fried Chicken elsewhere, to sample some delightful dessert that my semi-homophobic friend Alika, had vehemently advocated.

So we sat opposite each other, and looked with delight as it was served, along with a Chocolate Pudding that we like. Just like, and not love. The place that I stay is notorious for serving horrific cakes and such. Not a single place exists uptil the nearest city, that serves good cake.
So needless to say, we went with great anticipation to sample this town’s supposed best dessert.

The Pudding came sans icing. I thought they’d taken our order incorrectly, and I signalled the waiter, to be told that they were out of Chocolate Icing. Out of chocolate icing.
If arson wasn’t a crime, I know how I would’ve spent the rest of that evening!

Anyhow, so Hagatha and I began to dig our spoons into the Mousse. “Together?” she asked. I thought she meant that we mix the two desserts, to provide some cream to the pudding, so I said “Hell no! Let’s savour each separately.”

Naturally, she meant we take the first dig at the same time, like at the count of 3. Which we then did.

Once we had licked our spoons clean, and allowed ourselves enough time for the mousse to be sampled by all of our taste buds, she looked at me, and I, at her. There was a look of utmost suspicion on her face. The exact look on mine. We sat there, looking at each other, waiting for a reaction. I gave in.

“It’s sick!”

“Thank god!” she heaved a sigh of relief. “I thought it was only me! God, Alika must really hate me!” (Alika and her haven’t had the best equation. At a time, Alika used to get rather jealous of any girl I befriended. Then again, her slight snottiness made her look upon Hagatha with slight contempt.)
That really made me laugh!

We then tried the pudding (sans Chocolate Icing). The sheer dreadfulness of the confectionery here makes me want to commit homicide. Targeting every so-called baker in town.

Anyway, Hagatha and I had a wonderful evening talking and laughing. I can simply never lie to that girl. She knows me in-and-out. And loves me so dearly still. Besides, she was looking very pretty yesterday.
If I had been straight, I doubt there’d be make better couple on earth than the two of us. We could challenge anyone.

Presently, I’m watching American Beauty. I remember when the film came out. I must’ve been 11-12, and was scandalised by the trailers! Those were my pre-gay days and I felt ashamed looking at the naked human body, regardless of gender.

I still feel ashamed looking at the naked human body (particularly if someone knows I’m looking), and I don’t even like it when anyone goes about parading their skin in public, men or women, especially when others are ogling. For instance, I loved the new Pepsi ad in which Ranbir Kapoor is being so audacious, and I enjoy watching it alone, but I’d feel embarassed to watch it with anyone else around, and I disapprove of others watching him disrobe, which includes Deepika Padukone. But that’s besides the point.

The film is rather intriguing! I just came across the sing-song “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” that my sister and I used so much back in the day. I wonder if this is where it originated! Or was it later reused on Friends?


10 Nov

I’m evil. Down-right-ruddy-evil.

When I want something, and a friend wants it too…and if I fall out of the race, and the friend inches closer to winning it…I secretly hope that he doesn’t get there. Well, unless he really really deserves it. Which any friend scarcely does in my opinion, because I consider myself better than most of them. Even though they put in 300% of the effort that I put in towards attaining a goal.

Naturally, I conceal these sentiments from the world, put up a “Happy-for-you” face and shower them with best wishes, not one of which is heartfelt.

This side of me, reeking of sheer evil, is more secretive than even my sexual identity. If anyone got to know!
Though my sexuality is something that I occasionally talk to myself about, but this dirty secret of mine… I wouldn’t dare look into the mirror and admit it! I would visibly effuse sin, if I did.

Is this human nature? I really, truly doubt it! Surely humans are bad, but can they be so shallow…

Of distant departures

29 Aug

This morning, as I was leaving my room for class, and basically fine tuning my computer for its download operations, I noticed some messages from a most unexpected person. Suneet(formerly EFS… posts here, here and here) had suddenly taken it upon himself to enquire about my wellbeing. I was quite taken aback, and said so outright, asking him why my existence had suddenly dawned upon him.
He said that he’s leaving the country tonight for further studies. It had been decided all of a sudden, a fortnight ago.

I struggled to choose between missing my first class to continue speaking with him(attendance is precious here), or hoping to catch him again when he was in the other part of the world. Extremely capable of sacrificing whatever for someone I had almost illicit feelings for, I decided to be resolute, said I had to run and hoped he would be bothered enough to say Hi once he was there. Just as much because even if I had taken out an hour-and-half to speak with him,
he would’ve been his normal pre-occupied self, juggling twenty other things with our chat, and not really caring much for our conversation.

Yes, I do feel awful. I always had this plan to somehow get-him-to-ask-me-to-meet-him if I ever went to his city. I really have been searching every opportunity to visit his city, for that! Now, I have no reason anymore; even to hope.

Suneet will become one of a few individuals who stimulated my thought and desire, in his own way. Tomorrow I may forget him. He’ll probably forget me today. But right now, six months after I told him that I didn’t want to retain any contact with him as it seemed to be of such little priority (to him), I know that I will miss him. Immensely.

Goodbye Suneet… may god be with you.

I’m Ashamed, Honest

21 Aug

I really never do like visiting such websites and chatrooms. It isn’t anything less than an open secret that they’re exclusively a portal for those who seek sex and sex alone. I naturally don’t, else I wouldn’t bother engaging in endless conversation with someone at the other end of the world, right?

But it so happens that once in a while, when a person is on-line at 1 a.m. at night, and exams loom large two days ahead and there is a lot of syllabus left, a person tends to feel lonely.

That is quite how it all happened, and after many months, no doubt (that I’m exaggerating), I logged on to that forsaken Y! Chat room. Soon enough, someone sent forth a message, and we initiated conversation. He started out with “How are you” which struck a chord with me, as it was quite a welcome relief from the mundane “asl”. In retrospection, I would’ve preferred if he had opened conversation with the latter.

The fellow, with an American name, was an NRI living in the US, and in India on some work for the next 2 years. Going by my (physical) attraction towards Caucasians, we spoke for about an hour, about his work, travel and so on. He kept asking me my name and so on; I kept averting.

Hours went by. I made soup, coffee. Everything I could to keep myself awake to study. Only, I didn’t study all that much. Each time I said I had to go, he would say “Only 10 more minutes”.

He spoke noble, of wanting a good “Indian” friend. I kept telling him that I was suspicious. He kept asking me why.

The third time I voiced my doubts over his intentions, he asked me why I kept saying that. I told him that I considered the Online Gay community, on chat rooms et all, very shady and doubt-worthy.

It was then that he asked me why I kept “speaking about the gay community lol”. I very promptly told him that it was because I was gay and so was he. To which he responded that he wasn’t.

I was only about to lecture him over being in denial and things of that sort, when it dawned upon me.

“Errr… you mayn’t like to hear this, but the chat room you were in is a Gay chat room.”

Following that revelation, one would’ve thought that he’d grab his bag and run like wildfire. Did he? No, not him! He kept me there for another 10 minutes, arguing that I couldn’t be “gay” and had to be a “gurl”. That’s a totally new level of being in denial, if you ask me!

Eventually, I had to sign off and leave him gaping.

It was 3.32 am and I felt absolutely horrid. To compensate for the loss of sleep, I had to sacrifice 3 hours of precious study in the afternoon, yesterday.

As far as academics are concerned, I’ve never known anyone more suicidal than I. Yet, I never learn.