Tag Archives: Confessions

Come Undone

5 Sep
Me: I suppose I will have to eventually stop or at least reduce meeting you… Seems like I’ve been testing my resilience, or some would say stupidity, over the last few months…

Him: Hmm not sure what’s on your mind….like I said earlier…check for expectations …with boss and with others

Me: I suppose I misunderstood your expectations early on, and that misunderstanding has faded with time

Him: Call if u’d like to talk…

Me: If I was comfortable talking about it, I would’ve brought it up long ago… I thought age was a barrier, and that misconception was cleared today… So it must be something else?

[He tries calling at this point, but I disconnect]
Me: As I said, not comfortable talking about it… And I thought you also said texting is easier?

[Long silence from his end]
Me: Conversation ends here?

Him: No…but I don’t want to do it on sms…Prefer to talk or better still in person…I care about u and would like u as a friend….

Me: I guess I just care about you as much more than a friend. I suppose I just needed you to know, because you somehow don’t seem to pick up on hints.
But there’s a clear mismatch in expectations, so I guess there’s no point in talking about it. But I guess I needed you to know, so I’m done with that.

Him: Ok.yes I know

I did too!

7 Jul

Stole this from Rani’s blog…

1. Graduated high school. (and college too!)
2. Kissed someone.
3. Smoked a cigarette. (too many ๐Ÿ˜ฆ )
4. Got so drunk you passed out. (not often enough ๐Ÿ˜ฆ )
5. Rode every ride at an amusement park.
6. Collected something stupid.
7. Gone to a rock concert.
8. Helped someone.
9. Gone fishing.
10. Watched four movies in one night.
11. Lied to someone. Almost like a profession :-S
12. Snorted cocaine.
13. Smoked weed.
14. Failed a subject. (Errr… not that I remember :-S But I did JUST pass my chemistry pre-board :-P)
15. Been in a car accident.
16. Been in a tornado.
17. Watched someone die.
18. Been to a funeral.
19. Burned yourself. (Not intentionally)
20. Run a marathon.
21. Cried yourself to sleep.
22. Spent over 10,000 bucks in one day. (Not on casual shopping, no… Mobile phone, yes.)
23. Flown on an aeroplane. (Not even a paper-one, too well)
24. Cheated on someone.
25. Been cheated on.
26. Written a 10 page letter.
27. Gone skiing.
28. Been sailing.
29. Cut yourself. (Not intentionally… yet!)
30. Had a best friend.
31. Lost someone you loved. (Only family, I should think.)
32. Got into trouble for something you didnโ€™t do.
33. Stolen a book from the library
34. Gone to a different country.
35. Watched the Harry Potter movies.
36. Had an online diary.
37. Fired a gun.
38. Gambled in a casino.
39. Been in a school play.
40. Been fired from a job.
41. Taken a lie detector test.
42. Swam with dolphins.
43. Voted for someone on a reality TV show.
44. Written poetry.
45. Read more than 20 books a year.
46. Gone to Europe.
47. Loved someone you shouldnโ€™t have.
48. Used a colouring book over age 12.
49. Had a surgery.
50. Had stitches. (In my bloody mouth!)
51. Taken a Taxi.
52. Had more than 5 IM conversations going on at once.
53. Been in a fist fight.
54. Suffered any form of abuse. (Verbal??)
55. Had a pet.
56. Petted a wild animal.
57. Had your own credit card & bought something with it.
58. Dyed your hair.
59. Got a tattoo. (Need to! SOON!)
60. Had something pierced. (Need to! SOON!)
61. Got straight Aโ€™s. Woo hoo! In my LAST semester in college ๐Ÿ™‚
62. Known someone personally with HIV or AIDS.
63. Taken pictures with a webcam.
64. Lost something expensive.
65. Gone to sleep with music on.

Anyone up for this one?

Honest, I am!

7 Feb

And D has awarded me for it too!

And as it turns out, so had BlueMist and Firebolt, only that I didn’t acknowledge it then, and forgot about it later :-S

Silly, stupid me!

Oh well, better late than never, right?

Tragically, I must make 10 honest confessions and you all know how much I hate doing that ๐Ÿ˜›

1. I’ve smoked more cigarettes in the past 2 weeks than the number of days in them. And I have to, have to stop before I start liking the tobacco.

2. I can never be satisfied, never ever. I need to feel more successful than everyone else around me to be absolutely happy. And that has to change too. Imagine a life in which one is never satisfied!

3. I’m tempted to go to Mysore soon, to meet this hot, hot American student I’ve been in constant touch with off-late.

4. I thoroughly enjoy making a good impression. On Friday night, I left office at 6.15 having received minimal work to do all day (and the entire past week, in fact). I had lunch with a few friends, then went to one of their homes to hang out. Meanwhile, I’d checked my email on my phone and seen that the boss had sent me 2 minor corrections I had to make in something that I’d developed in the first 3 weeks. I went back to office at 9 p.m. to complete it, though it could’ve waited till Monday, yes. Don’t even ask me how I got home after leaving office at 10.
I could always say that I’m doing it so that the boss thinks me worthy and gives me a good assignment for the next few months. But in all honesty, I just need to impress. Sometimes even the worst of people. And once I have them impressed, I don’t give much of a damn about them. Twisted I am. But then, it’s my nature ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

5. When I’m earning enough money to be able to squander it, I’m going to buy a Karaoke machine. And use it in all excitement for a few days. And then forget about it. Just as I always do.

6. I want to move to Delhi. And to Mumbai. And to France. And Amsterdam. I want to work in France. I want to go to University in Amsterdam. I want it all now. I want everything. Everything. And once I have it… well, please refer point 5.

7. I’m beginning to think I’m completely incapable of having a relationship that would last longer than a few months. (Even a heterosexual one, were I straight and this complicated). I find it so difficult to deal with my complexities, I cannot imagine how someone else would manage that burden. The sooner I deal with it, the better. I have to find some avenue to see me through my 40s that would alleviate some of the boredom from my life then, and I really wonder if there is one.

8. I think I’m becoming more casual about coming out to people. So much so that I need to tell myself to hold back. I almost told Alika the other day, in a casual chat. And I did tell Hag-Designate, rather, Hag No. 3 in casual conversation. It cannot be done so randomly. It has to be thought-out, along with all repercussions.

9. Sometimes I feel that my father has given me the miserly gene. At others, I’ve discovered myself to be quite casual with spending. I’ve realized that I don’t bother too much with shelling out if I’m having a good time, yet every additional ten rupees make a whale of a difference if I’m having a lousy experience. Once again, it’s my usual obsession about not wanting to get the short end of the stick.

10. I love talking about myself. Far too much. I’m hoping there is some childhood traumatic experience associated with it, or Mummy went wrong somewhere in raising me, because it is definitely a horrible, horrible quality to have.

Okay, so the rules of receiving this award :

And all you award winners, the award checklist goes like this:
1. I must thank the person who gave me the award and list their blog and link it – Oui!
2. I must list 10 honest things about myself โ€“ Oui!
3. I must put a copy of Honest Scrap logo on my blog – Oh yes indeed, I will!
4. I must select at least 7, 8 other worthy bloggers and list their links – Done!
5. I must notify the bloggers of the award and hopefully they will follow the above three requirements โ€“ Above 4 requirements, actually… Done!

1. Pesto Sauce, whose blog I consider the straight(/bi :P) counterpart of mine.
2. Chandu, who doesn’t seem to have received/acknowledged the award yet.
3. BlueMist – Who slips in her truest of thoughts among some others…
4. Jacko – Who is painfully honest sometimes ๐Ÿ˜›
5. Meira – Whose writings make me happier at any time of the day
6. Firebolt – Whose writings help me learn and grow
7. Rani – Who has all the reasons to be honest…
Take it away, folks…

Naughty a la Nightclub

27 Dec

So went for my first gay party of the season, last night. It was quite different, in ways. For one, poor Daksh had to find someone else to dance with, because I was with this kiddo (2.5 years, and he says it isn’t a big deal!!) through most of the night. Thankfully, Daksh found a pretty nice person for the evening, and they were dancing far more than we were.
For another, I finally did what I wanted to try out for the longest time… made out on the dance floor ๐Ÿ˜› Well, first on the couches on the side, then on the dance floor, and then on the couch again. It got pretty explicit at times, but that no one as much as batted an eyelid goes to say how ordinary all of this is in our world…

We left around 3, when I dropped Daksh home, and my date for the evening (who I equate with a nephew much to his annoyance) and I crashed at home, since my folks didn’t want be driving back home alone at night, and he was supposed to stay out somewhere.

So there’s another thing I can add to the list of things I’ve done before I turned 21… uhh, 22. (Damn!)

Sorry Sis, Happy Birthday

19 Jul

I just came across this old birthday card lying on the floor of my sister’s former bedroom. It brought back memories of the small birthday celebrations we’d have, back in the day, when my grandfather would carry home a cake and rasgullas or ras malais (his favourite). On my birthday, it would be Gulab Jamun, which remain my favourite even today.

Besides that, we’d make some Pakoras, get Dhoklas and so on and so forth. It would usually be the 6 of us (5 after my grandmother passed) until later years when our relatives in the neighbourhood would also drop in.
On my birthdays, my sister would always ensure that we had something pleasant for our main course. If not a different cuisine, then none of the regular fare that we despised. On her birthdays, though, I never took initiative to ensure that something pleasing was on the menu, as that was taken care of by itself somehow or the other.

Looking at the birthday card on the floor, I was reminded of a tradition that I observed, I’m guessing for 2-3 years if not more. Since I didn’t have any money to buy her a present (though she almost always managed some to buy me one) I would get her atleast a birthday card. For instance, the one I’m holding right now reads

“Dear blister… uhhh…. sister”

followed by a corny line in hindi to corroborate the card’s “prank” and signed off with a

“Lotsa luv, Brother”

This reminded me of one particular birthday, a memory that I wish I could erase from my memory, but I cannot.
It was my sister’s birthday, her 17th. I would’ve correspondingly been either 13 at that time. Six months had elapsed since my grandmother’s passing. There was still a slight sense of gloom, since it was the first death in the house. Neither my sister nor I, were very close to our grandmother, but her death was a shock particularly as it was the first in the family.

But 6 months had passed, and we had moved on.

On the birthday, we descended downstairs. The cake was lying ready. My grandfather played his part without failure. I don’t recall if there was anything else on the table. But one thing was for sure, the food was absolutely mundane. The very dishes that the sister and I despised. The very dishes that could’ve been cooked on any other day for my sister and me to turn our nose up at, was prepared on her birthday. I hadn’t expected it, as the menu had always taken care of itself, before. But that evening, nobody had bothered.

I felt downright rotten. Rotten that I hadn’t looked into it before. Rotten about the dismal atmosphere in the house, on a joyous occasion. Rotten that my sister, who already used to feel a little less special in the house would feel so all the more.
As she cut the cake, she cried. It was a bit of a shocker to the parents, and grandfather, but to me, it was quite expected because I too had felt like crying, when I saw the atmosphere inside the room. On my birthday, that had taken place less than a month after her death, there had been a more cheerful atmosphere on the table, than prevailed 6 months hence.
But she cried. Finding herself in a position to explain her tears, she quickly put in that she missed our grandmother.

I could be absolutely wrong about it, but I’m quite sure I’m not. It wasn’t our grandmother’s loss, which we had all put behind us, that brought the gloom that evening. It was the sheer negligence, and the inability on the part of my parents to make their daughter feel as special and loved, as she had made me feel on my birthday. It was as if they had realized that it was her birthday late in the evening, when it was too late.

And as she cried, I looked at her with mild disgust. Disgust at not being able to hold back her emotions. Disgust at almost giving herself and me away to our grandfather, who we loved so much. Disgust of almost giving away to him, our closely guarded (and never shared) secret of the neglect that we felt we received from our working parents, who couldn’t have spared a thought to make us feel special on our day, by so much as ensuring a favourable dinner prepared for her.
At the same time, I felt heartfelt sympathy for her.

I did not walk up to her to hand her the birthday card that I got for her, and instead left it on her study-table, for her to discover later. I did not feel like talking to her that evening.
I did not feel like talking to anyone that evening.

Dud Dinner Date

14 Jul

He seemed to have forgotten it or something.

I was sweet and everything, gave him a free chit for being busy and having had a hectic day at work.

He instead booked me for tomorrow, day after and the day after that.


And we might meet up after hours, tonight ๐Ÿ˜‰

After the Clock Struck Midnight

14 Jul

I like to have my daily dose of socializing before I go to bed (as if all day wasn’t enough). I talk to the hag when she’s around, or other random acquaintances. I blog, I surf etc. etc.

So I was up to my regular routine, and was bickering with Vikram (the person I’m supposed to go out to dinner with, today) over where we’d dine today. He doesn’t live very far away from where I do. So jokingly, he brought up the idea of taking a walk. Right there at 12.30 am. “I’ll pick you up in 10 mins”. It was funny, though. Walking in colony streets after midnight is NOT a good idea, going by the number of security guards on the prowl.

We discussed it, I laughed over it. Literally considered it. Then visualized it. Sneaking through 4 closed doors, soundlessly, unlocking the very noisy gate, sneaking onto his car, and most importantly risking my mom waking up soon after and coming to fetch me to come to bed and finding me “absconding”… It’s was quite terrifying, the thought.

But what’s life without a bit of fun, right?

So I sneaked through 5 noisy closed doors, opened the gate as quietly as I could, sneaked out, into his car. He drove me back to his place, where he had a nice private garden on the terrace. We walked unabashedly past his guard, sneaked very silently up his steps, and landed up on the terrace at something-past-one on a beautiful summer night, hours before it was to rain.

He dropped me home two hours later. I sneaked right back in, and no one got to know anything.

I think Mum’s losing her touch.