Tag Archives: Confessions

Come Undone

5 Sep
Me: I suppose I will have to eventually stop or at least reduce meeting you… Seems like I’ve been testing my resilience, or some would say stupidity, over the last few months…

Him: Hmm not sure what’s on your mind….like I said earlier…check for expectations …with boss and with others

Me: I suppose I misunderstood your expectations early on, and that misunderstanding has faded with time

Him: Call if u’d like to talk…

Me: If I was comfortable talking about it, I would’ve brought it up long ago… I thought age was a barrier, and that misconception was cleared today… So it must be something else?

[He tries calling at this point, but I disconnect]
Me: As I said, not comfortable talking about it… And I thought you also said texting is easier?

[Long silence from his end]
Me: Conversation ends here?

Him: No…but I don’t want to do it on sms…Prefer to talk or better still in person…I care about u and would like u as a friend….

Me: I guess I just care about you as much more than a friend. I suppose I just needed you to know, because you somehow don’t seem to pick up on hints.
But there’s a clear mismatch in expectations, so I guess there’s no point in talking about it. But I guess I needed you to know, so I’m done with that.

Him: Ok.yes I know

I did too!

7 Jul

Stole this from Rani’s blog…

1. Graduated high school. (and college too!)
2. Kissed someone.
3. Smoked a cigarette. (too many 😦 )
4. Got so drunk you passed out. (not often enough 😦 )
5. Rode every ride at an amusement park.
6. Collected something stupid.
7. Gone to a rock concert.
8. Helped someone.
9. Gone fishing.
10. Watched four movies in one night.
11. Lied to someone. Almost like a profession :-S
12. Snorted cocaine.
13. Smoked weed.
14. Failed a subject. (Errr… not that I remember :-S But I did JUST pass my chemistry pre-board :-P)
15. Been in a car accident.
16. Been in a tornado.
17. Watched someone die.
18. Been to a funeral.
19. Burned yourself. (Not intentionally)
20. Run a marathon.
21. Cried yourself to sleep.
22. Spent over 10,000 bucks in one day. (Not on casual shopping, no… Mobile phone, yes.)
23. Flown on an aeroplane. (Not even a paper-one, too well)
24. Cheated on someone.
25. Been cheated on.
26. Written a 10 page letter.
27. Gone skiing.
28. Been sailing.
29. Cut yourself. (Not intentionally… yet!)
30. Had a best friend.
31. Lost someone you loved. (Only family, I should think.)
32. Got into trouble for something you didn’t do.
33. Stolen a book from the library
34. Gone to a different country.
35. Watched the Harry Potter movies.
36. Had an online diary.
37. Fired a gun.
38. Gambled in a casino.
39. Been in a school play.
40. Been fired from a job.
41. Taken a lie detector test.
42. Swam with dolphins.
43. Voted for someone on a reality TV show.
44. Written poetry.
45. Read more than 20 books a year.
46. Gone to Europe.
47. Loved someone you shouldn’t have.
48. Used a colouring book over age 12.
49. Had a surgery.
50. Had stitches. (In my bloody mouth!)
51. Taken a Taxi.
52. Had more than 5 IM conversations going on at once.
53. Been in a fist fight.
54. Suffered any form of abuse. (Verbal??)
55. Had a pet.
56. Petted a wild animal.
57. Had your own credit card & bought something with it.
58. Dyed your hair.
59. Got a tattoo. (Need to! SOON!)
60. Had something pierced. (Need to! SOON!)
61. Got straight A’s. Woo hoo! In my LAST semester in college 🙂
62. Known someone personally with HIV or AIDS.
63. Taken pictures with a webcam.
64. Lost something expensive.
65. Gone to sleep with music on.

Anyone up for this one?

Honest, I am!

7 Feb

And D has awarded me for it too!

And as it turns out, so had BlueMist and Firebolt, only that I didn’t acknowledge it then, and forgot about it later :-S

Silly, stupid me!

Oh well, better late than never, right?

Tragically, I must make 10 honest confessions and you all know how much I hate doing that 😛

1. I’ve smoked more cigarettes in the past 2 weeks than the number of days in them. And I have to, have to stop before I start liking the tobacco.

2. I can never be satisfied, never ever. I need to feel more successful than everyone else around me to be absolutely happy. And that has to change too. Imagine a life in which one is never satisfied!

3. I’m tempted to go to Mysore soon, to meet this hot, hot American student I’ve been in constant touch with off-late.

4. I thoroughly enjoy making a good impression. On Friday night, I left office at 6.15 having received minimal work to do all day (and the entire past week, in fact). I had lunch with a few friends, then went to one of their homes to hang out. Meanwhile, I’d checked my email on my phone and seen that the boss had sent me 2 minor corrections I had to make in something that I’d developed in the first 3 weeks. I went back to office at 9 p.m. to complete it, though it could’ve waited till Monday, yes. Don’t even ask me how I got home after leaving office at 10.
I could always say that I’m doing it so that the boss thinks me worthy and gives me a good assignment for the next few months. But in all honesty, I just need to impress. Sometimes even the worst of people. And once I have them impressed, I don’t give much of a damn about them. Twisted I am. But then, it’s my nature 😦

5. When I’m earning enough money to be able to squander it, I’m going to buy a Karaoke machine. And use it in all excitement for a few days. And then forget about it. Just as I always do.

6. I want to move to Delhi. And to Mumbai. And to France. And Amsterdam. I want to work in France. I want to go to University in Amsterdam. I want it all now. I want everything. Everything. And once I have it… well, please refer point 5.

7. I’m beginning to think I’m completely incapable of having a relationship that would last longer than a few months. (Even a heterosexual one, were I straight and this complicated). I find it so difficult to deal with my complexities, I cannot imagine how someone else would manage that burden. The sooner I deal with it, the better. I have to find some avenue to see me through my 40s that would alleviate some of the boredom from my life then, and I really wonder if there is one.

8. I think I’m becoming more casual about coming out to people. So much so that I need to tell myself to hold back. I almost told Alika the other day, in a casual chat. And I did tell Hag-Designate, rather, Hag No. 3 in casual conversation. It cannot be done so randomly. It has to be thought-out, along with all repercussions.

9. Sometimes I feel that my father has given me the miserly gene. At others, I’ve discovered myself to be quite casual with spending. I’ve realized that I don’t bother too much with shelling out if I’m having a good time, yet every additional ten rupees make a whale of a difference if I’m having a lousy experience. Once again, it’s my usual obsession about not wanting to get the short end of the stick.

10. I love talking about myself. Far too much. I’m hoping there is some childhood traumatic experience associated with it, or Mummy went wrong somewhere in raising me, because it is definitely a horrible, horrible quality to have.

Okay, so the rules of receiving this award :

And all you award winners, the award checklist goes like this:
1. I must thank the person who gave me the award and list their blog and link it – Oui!
2. I must list 10 honest things about myself – Oui!
3. I must put a copy of Honest Scrap logo on my blog – Oh yes indeed, I will!
4. I must select at least 7, 8 other worthy bloggers and list their links – Done!
5. I must notify the bloggers of the award and hopefully they will follow the above three requirements – Above 4 requirements, actually… Done!

1. Pesto Sauce, whose blog I consider the straight(/bi :P) counterpart of mine.
2. Chandu, who doesn’t seem to have received/acknowledged the award yet.
3. BlueMist – Who slips in her truest of thoughts among some others…
4. Jacko – Who is painfully honest sometimes 😛
5. Meira – Whose writings make me happier at any time of the day
6. Firebolt – Whose writings help me learn and grow
7. Rani – Who has all the reasons to be honest…
Take it away, folks…

Naughty a la Nightclub

27 Dec

So went for my first gay party of the season, last night. It was quite different, in ways. For one, poor Daksh had to find someone else to dance with, because I was with this kiddo (2.5 years, and he says it isn’t a big deal!!) through most of the night. Thankfully, Daksh found a pretty nice person for the evening, and they were dancing far more than we were.
For another, I finally did what I wanted to try out for the longest time… made out on the dance floor 😛 Well, first on the couches on the side, then on the dance floor, and then on the couch again. It got pretty explicit at times, but that no one as much as batted an eyelid goes to say how ordinary all of this is in our world…

We left around 3, when I dropped Daksh home, and my date for the evening (who I equate with a nephew much to his annoyance) and I crashed at home, since my folks didn’t want be driving back home alone at night, and he was supposed to stay out somewhere.

So there’s another thing I can add to the list of things I’ve done before I turned 21… uhh, 22. (Damn!)

Sorry Sis, Happy Birthday

19 Jul

I just came across this old birthday card lying on the floor of my sister’s former bedroom. It brought back memories of the small birthday celebrations we’d have, back in the day, when my grandfather would carry home a cake and rasgullas or ras malais (his favourite). On my birthday, it would be Gulab Jamun, which remain my favourite even today.

Besides that, we’d make some Pakoras, get Dhoklas and so on and so forth. It would usually be the 6 of us (5 after my grandmother passed) until later years when our relatives in the neighbourhood would also drop in.
On my birthdays, my sister would always ensure that we had something pleasant for our main course. If not a different cuisine, then none of the regular fare that we despised. On her birthdays, though, I never took initiative to ensure that something pleasing was on the menu, as that was taken care of by itself somehow or the other.

Looking at the birthday card on the floor, I was reminded of a tradition that I observed, I’m guessing for 2-3 years if not more. Since I didn’t have any money to buy her a present (though she almost always managed some to buy me one) I would get her atleast a birthday card. For instance, the one I’m holding right now reads

“Dear blister… uhhh…. sister”

followed by a corny line in hindi to corroborate the card’s “prank” and signed off with a

“Lotsa luv, Brother”

This reminded me of one particular birthday, a memory that I wish I could erase from my memory, but I cannot.
It was my sister’s birthday, her 17th. I would’ve correspondingly been either 13 at that time. Six months had elapsed since my grandmother’s passing. There was still a slight sense of gloom, since it was the first death in the house. Neither my sister nor I, were very close to our grandmother, but her death was a shock particularly as it was the first in the family.

But 6 months had passed, and we had moved on.

On the birthday, we descended downstairs. The cake was lying ready. My grandfather played his part without failure. I don’t recall if there was anything else on the table. But one thing was for sure, the food was absolutely mundane. The very dishes that the sister and I despised. The very dishes that could’ve been cooked on any other day for my sister and me to turn our nose up at, was prepared on her birthday. I hadn’t expected it, as the menu had always taken care of itself, before. But that evening, nobody had bothered.

I felt downright rotten. Rotten that I hadn’t looked into it before. Rotten about the dismal atmosphere in the house, on a joyous occasion. Rotten that my sister, who already used to feel a little less special in the house would feel so all the more.
As she cut the cake, she cried. It was a bit of a shocker to the parents, and grandfather, but to me, it was quite expected because I too had felt like crying, when I saw the atmosphere inside the room. On my birthday, that had taken place less than a month after her death, there had been a more cheerful atmosphere on the table, than prevailed 6 months hence.
But she cried. Finding herself in a position to explain her tears, she quickly put in that she missed our grandmother.

I could be absolutely wrong about it, but I’m quite sure I’m not. It wasn’t our grandmother’s loss, which we had all put behind us, that brought the gloom that evening. It was the sheer negligence, and the inability on the part of my parents to make their daughter feel as special and loved, as she had made me feel on my birthday. It was as if they had realized that it was her birthday late in the evening, when it was too late.

And as she cried, I looked at her with mild disgust. Disgust at not being able to hold back her emotions. Disgust at almost giving herself and me away to our grandfather, who we loved so much. Disgust of almost giving away to him, our closely guarded (and never shared) secret of the neglect that we felt we received from our working parents, who couldn’t have spared a thought to make us feel special on our day, by so much as ensuring a favourable dinner prepared for her.
At the same time, I felt heartfelt sympathy for her.

I did not walk up to her to hand her the birthday card that I got for her, and instead left it on her study-table, for her to discover later. I did not feel like talking to her that evening.
I did not feel like talking to anyone that evening.

Dud Dinner Date

14 Jul

He seemed to have forgotten it or something.

I was sweet and everything, gave him a free chit for being busy and having had a hectic day at work.

He instead booked me for tomorrow, day after and the day after that.

🙂

And we might meet up after hours, tonight 😉

After the Clock Struck Midnight

14 Jul

I like to have my daily dose of socializing before I go to bed (as if all day wasn’t enough). I talk to the hag when she’s around, or other random acquaintances. I blog, I surf etc. etc.

So I was up to my regular routine, and was bickering with Vikram (the person I’m supposed to go out to dinner with, today) over where we’d dine today. He doesn’t live very far away from where I do. So jokingly, he brought up the idea of taking a walk. Right there at 12.30 am. “I’ll pick you up in 10 mins”. It was funny, though. Walking in colony streets after midnight is NOT a good idea, going by the number of security guards on the prowl.

We discussed it, I laughed over it. Literally considered it. Then visualized it. Sneaking through 4 closed doors, soundlessly, unlocking the very noisy gate, sneaking onto his car, and most importantly risking my mom waking up soon after and coming to fetch me to come to bed and finding me “absconding”… It’s was quite terrifying, the thought.

But what’s life without a bit of fun, right?

So I sneaked through 5 noisy closed doors, opened the gate as quietly as I could, sneaked out, into his car. He drove me back to his place, where he had a nice private garden on the terrace. We walked unabashedly past his guard, sneaked very silently up his steps, and landed up on the terrace at something-past-one on a beautiful summer night, hours before it was to rain.

He dropped me home two hours later. I sneaked right back in, and no one got to know anything.

I think Mum’s losing her touch.

🙂

Gay it Forward

12 Jul

I swear I’m not responsible. It’s NOT a disease. But I really do think that my 3 year old cousin might be gay!

Do not scoff, do not gasp in shock. I didn’t expect it myself, but there one had it… before one’s very eyes!

He’d come back up from watering the plants with his mum. He was quite soaked, so she wanted to change him. She started pulling his T off, and he resisted and squealed. “Noooo! In the bathroom!”

Then she had to take him into the bathroom to change him, where he co-operated.

My mom and I looked at each other at the exact same time. As she smiled and said “Another Unsung Psalm in our midst”, I mouthed “Gay!” to her. An unfortunate synchronisation.

This post is about him, so I don’t expect to be questioned about me or my past or my childhood or my preferences. Such comments will not be entertained.

Up, up and away… and on the ground again

30 Apr

They say, “It happens when you’re least expecting it.”

And least was I expecting it, when it happened! No, not love… I’m not that fortunate. But last night, I was initiated to…

 

Dope!!!

Yes, yes, I know drugs are uncool. But weed over here is as common as trees (for those who want it) and is a frequent indulgence by many. In most cases, it doesn’t interfere with the regular functioning of one’s life. In some, it amends it.

So it was decided in a flash, over dinner. By the time I reached my hostel, ex-roomie, who initiated me, acting on a promise he had made eons ago, was sitting and preparing the joint. I helped him a bit too, in fact, though I don’t plan to indulge in that act too regularly.

Anyway, I’ll leave out unimportant details. How did it feel? Amazing while it lasted. Unfortunately, it hardly lasted at all. He’d told me that I’d fall asleep and wake up probably in the afternoon, the next day. But I was up and about at 9.30!

Anyway, while it lasted, I remember lying down on the ground with my eyes closed. 3-4 sensations that I felt were out of the ordinary. One was that the ground beneath me was moving, quite fast, so much so that I felt I was on a ride. There was no mistake about it, the ground was moving!
Then, I had visions. Of what? Well, here’s the catch. The ex-roomie had told me that once it started acting, I’d have this sensation in my throat whereby I’d want to burp very desperately, but I’d be unable to, no matter how hard I tried.
So as I lay there on the ground, I visualised small air-bubbles shaped like sperm and moving in a similar fashion, rising to the surface of my throat and getting quite stuck there. What was amusing was that they were all labelled and numbered. In the vision, I saw that they were labelled “Enilimina”. I know, I know. Nothing of the sort exists, but that’s what they were labelled in my vision. Enilimina 1, Enilimina 2, Enilimina 3 and so on. And they were shaped like sperm, and swam from the depths of my food pipe and got stuck at the throat. Ironically, I didn’t feel any desperate need to burp, and if I did, I had no problem doing it.

Another sensation was that of the bloodflow in my veins increasing rapidly. My eyes were already red from swimming in a heavily chlorinated pool earlier that evening, and became an even deeper shade as I felt the blood flow to the eyes and everyone else rapidly quicken. It became stronger and stronger, and I could literally feel blood flowing around in my eyeballs.

The last recollection is that of voices. No, I was not imagining voices. Ex-roomie was talking to 2 other people we were with, and I could here everything he said but in 2 distinct frequencies, or should I say channels. So one of my ears heard a slightly deeper voice than the other one, though the words were the same and synchronised.

After some time, I came back to my room and went to sleep. The experience was enjoyable but not half as much as I would’ve wanted it to be. Maybe I didn’t smoke enough. I hope I get another chance again soon, cannot wait to avail it.

At breakfast the next morning, Tanuja said that she too had smoked up with a friend, in her room. The irony! Experiences were similar, but both of us are eagerly looking forward to the next experience before actually passing any judgement on the entire concept.

 

__

6.30 PM

Here’s a video I’m glad I didn’t watch when I was high! After a LONG time, I actually laughed till I cried! Check it out 🙂

 

Lousy Mousse & Naked Shame

18 Jan

Last night, Hagatha and I sat at a fancy restaurant, after our sumptuous dinner of Fried Chicken elsewhere, to sample some delightful dessert that my semi-homophobic friend Alika, had vehemently advocated.

So we sat opposite each other, and looked with delight as it was served, along with a Chocolate Pudding that we like. Just like, and not love. The place that I stay is notorious for serving horrific cakes and such. Not a single place exists uptil the nearest city, that serves good cake.
So needless to say, we went with great anticipation to sample this town’s supposed best dessert.

The Pudding came sans icing. I thought they’d taken our order incorrectly, and I signalled the waiter, to be told that they were out of Chocolate Icing. Out of chocolate icing.
If arson wasn’t a crime, I know how I would’ve spent the rest of that evening!

Anyhow, so Hagatha and I began to dig our spoons into the Mousse. “Together?” she asked. I thought she meant that we mix the two desserts, to provide some cream to the pudding, so I said “Hell no! Let’s savour each separately.”

Naturally, she meant we take the first dig at the same time, like at the count of 3. Which we then did.

Once we had licked our spoons clean, and allowed ourselves enough time for the mousse to be sampled by all of our taste buds, she looked at me, and I, at her. There was a look of utmost suspicion on her face. The exact look on mine. We sat there, looking at each other, waiting for a reaction. I gave in.

“It’s sick!”

“Thank god!” she heaved a sigh of relief. “I thought it was only me! God, Alika must really hate me!” (Alika and her haven’t had the best equation. At a time, Alika used to get rather jealous of any girl I befriended. Then again, her slight snottiness made her look upon Hagatha with slight contempt.)
That really made me laugh!

We then tried the pudding (sans Chocolate Icing). The sheer dreadfulness of the confectionery here makes me want to commit homicide. Targeting every so-called baker in town.

Anyway, Hagatha and I had a wonderful evening talking and laughing. I can simply never lie to that girl. She knows me in-and-out. And loves me so dearly still. Besides, she was looking very pretty yesterday.
If I had been straight, I doubt there’d be make better couple on earth than the two of us. We could challenge anyone.

Presently, I’m watching American Beauty. I remember when the film came out. I must’ve been 11-12, and was scandalised by the trailers! Those were my pre-gay days and I felt ashamed looking at the naked human body, regardless of gender.

I still feel ashamed looking at the naked human body (particularly if someone knows I’m looking), and I don’t even like it when anyone goes about parading their skin in public, men or women, especially when others are ogling. For instance, I loved the new Pepsi ad in which Ranbir Kapoor is being so audacious, and I enjoy watching it alone, but I’d feel embarassed to watch it with anyone else around, and I disapprove of others watching him disrobe, which includes Deepika Padukone. But that’s besides the point.

The film is rather intriguing! I just came across the sing-song “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” that my sister and I used so much back in the day. I wonder if this is where it originated! Or was it later reused on Friends?