Tag Archives: Coming Out

Setting precedents… Trust? Risk?

4 Jan

Trivial as it may sound in comparison with the title, the precedent I set for the year to come was to come out to someone at work on the first day of the year.
It wasn’t random and impulsive, but possibly giving into temptation. And it wasn’t just anyone, but a certain girl with whom I’ve literally always discussed my sex life, and she’s scarcely held back in sharing details of hers.
Nontheless, it was tremendously awkward sharing the secret with someone at work, especially with a person with her temperament and candour. And though she’s tremendously open and cool, she doesn’t exhibit the intentions of wanting or having a friendship. She seems the kind of person who’d just fit into her surroundings, get along with everyone around, and thrive. Not of someone one would want to confide into, even though she confides the details of her intimate moments in me (and one other friend, she claims).

Anyhow, what’s done is done. And all she had to say is that she had “a bit of an idea” but wouldn’t ask me directly since she didn’t know how comfortable I was with the idea of people knowing.

Anyhow, what’s done is done. In a moment of temptation, I showed her the snap of the super-hot guy who made super-hot love to me last night for nearly 2 hours, without getting tired, who had to leave only because it was getting laid, else would’ve gone on and on. And with whom I’m scheduled to meet again tomorrow, and hopefully again and again and again!
Yes, I showed her his snap, and she only smiled and handed my phone back to me, acting as if she’d seen the super-hot chick she intially thought I’d laid, only saying “He’s not that hot by your standards…”

Anyhoo, everything’s weird now. I should stop acting like this is a huge deal, right?

Support Group

3 Oct

It’s extremely touching to see Hag and Hag boyfriend, more so the latter, sit your own sister down and try to explain to her that her brother’s sexuality is not his choice.

Yep, the sister holds on to her belief that my sexuality is entirely a “choice” I make with regards to who I sleep with, and is purely determined upon the basis of factors that surrounded me while I was growing up. That it’s not how I was born, and that I chose it. And that she has to accept me for a brother upon her choice.

And she also feels it unnecessary to do any kind of reading up on the subject, because she’s so convinced of her beliefs.

And hag-boyfriend attempted to convince her for hours that there were experts out there who had spent more time in researching the subjects than she had, which she should look up if she wants to understand me better. But she’s confident of her source of knowledge (which is her “value system” and beliefs)

I really don’t care enough to try and make her understand, or enlighten her in any way. But it was extremely touching to see 2 friends care so much about me to literally be at loggerheads with her, in attempt to make her look at a larger and possibly more accurate picture.

Friends truly are the family one chooses for oneself. I may or may not have the family I was born into, by my side tomorrow, but I hope I don’t do anything to lose the family that I chose for myself.

And it becomes worse, and worse…

30 Sep

So the sister revealed another tiny detail of her conversation with Mom before I came out to her… When she expressed to Mom that she had “concerns” about me, and Mom said “What? The gay tendencies?”
Turns out that Mom subsequently asked her, “Is he active?” hopefully not in the sexual sense, but in a manner of actively interacting with the community. To make it worse, the sister just responded with a “I’m sorry, I can’t discuss this with you”!

Though Mom and Dad don’t actively discuss everything in their lives, I’m sure they discuss their kids. So it MIGHT have been shared with Dad. And incidentally, Dad’s coming to visit us for a whole WEEK next week… which means that

a) I have to get SOME action before he gets in and

b) I’m probably going to have to try and avoid some uncomfortable questions. Or be honest with him. What with the night-shifts, it’ll be just the two of us during the afternoons…


How weird is that???

7 Jul

It all starts with a semi-drunk conversation with Alika, College-Roomie and Friend (If you don’t know who they are, you’re not reading my blog enough :-|) back in Bangalore when they were visiting for a day. In arbit conversation, Alika asks me if I was attracted to College-Roomie. HOW am I supposed to answer that question in the affirmative without making him uncomfortable? How is one NOT to be attracted to someone who’s attractive, with nice long hair, a toned physique…
But naturally I responded in the negative saying “Naw, he’s a friend… Doesn’t work that way…” and I thought it ended there.

A month or more later, in Delhi at a really nice place with amazing Happy Hours rates, after 4 whiskeys (and beer as a filler!) while we’re tottering around outside, roomie says “I don’t believe you were never attracted to me!”

How am I supposed to diplomatically respond to that, be honest, at the same time not seem like a gay predator and do all of that with far too much alcohol flowing through my system?
And is his behaviour expected of your average straight?

But he ISN’T an average straight.

OUTED to the flatmate!!!

8 May

I don’t believe I left my laptop unlocked!!! And the dear flat-mate, the one closest to the sister, used it. And accessed premierleague.com… Know how as soon as you start typing a URL, suggestions start popping up? And that planetromeo.com is a site frequently visited by me???

I’m surprisingly not very freaked out. Especially with a move pending, and my sister having become my imminent flatmate, I’ll have to come out to her anyway…

But I cannot IMAGINE how freaked out I would’ve been 2 years ago about this!

So touched…

6 Mar

So days after coming out to Alika, and not speaking about it hence, I asked her yesterday if she’d told the others already (my ex-roomie, and her best friend). One thing led to another, and she finally opened up significantly. Asking for the smallest of details, and trying her best to be supportive (to the point of it sounding unnatural)

Yes, she had told the ex-roomie. He sms-ed this morning:

If it is true, and not a very exaggerated plan to pull Alika’s leg. M very happy for you. N proud that you’re finally coming out…

I don’t recall the last time words touched me so. I responded with a thanks and “Sorry it didn’t come up in 3 years, didn’t know his level of comfort” to which he said he’d have been pretty cool with it, and that I could count on him if I needed any support.

I’m not surprised of how supportive he’s being. I didn’t for a moment doubt that. But I simply never expected him to speak up, or personally message me…

I am so happy. And moved.

I’m also so very, very happy that Flygye is back to Blogosphere! He’s one of my favourite bloggers of all time, and possibly one or two of the few people whose blogs I’ve read from Day 1… Very addictive, sincere and damn cute 😛

Long weekend, in more ways than one

2 Mar

Yes, I knew it was going to be a long weekend… For one, I had taken a day off from work. After all, Tanuja (Hag No. 2) was coming in from Singapore, and we had Monday off for Holi (yay!) so it was amounting to four days off consecutively, which I wouldn’t really frown upon after spending 12 days in office non-stop. But I never imagined that the week would be as long as it turned out to be!

1. Pop called on Friday and discreetly gave me a heads up that Maa was coming in to town the next day to give us a surprise, and asked if there was anything he wanted sent through her. That peeved me a bit, because I had specifically told her NOT to come on this weekend since Tanuja was coming in too, and instead on a different weekend so that I’d have time to spend with her. Which I told him in so many words.
A few hours later, sister called and informed me that it was Dad was coming in, actually, and only for 3 days. He’d be coming in 1 day after Tanuja and leaving almost at the same time. So suddenly, my 4 day break seemed even lesser now!

2. I was at HardRockCafe in Bangalore the other night, and extremely bored owing to the number of people I didn’t know over there, so I moved base outdoors, and over a casual SMS conversation, came out to Alika, the homophobic hag. In fact, Hagatha and I came out to her together. Over SMS, of course 😛
She initially thought I was joking. In fact, for a very long time, she thought so. Post that, she was mostly silent, and we’ve practically not spoken since. I cannot imagine what’s going on in her head, because she hasn’t shared any of it with me, but I’ve heard nothing from her since. An extremely long silence… No word of support, reassurance or anything at all… and frankly, I’m not even bothered to find out why.
I didn’t think she was deserving of knowing, but Hagatha and Magatha (the Male Hag, Hagatha’s boyfriend and my best friend [I think I can safely call him]) pushed me into telling her, saying I owed it to her. Well, I certainly disagree presently.
And Alika being herself, I wonder how many people, and who all, know by now…

3. Last night, I was at the sister’s, with dad and sister’s friends. Two of them very shyly stepped out for a smoke, and Dad decided to join them. And so did I. And much to my sister’s discomfort, my father and I shared a cigarette, while my dad told us the history of the emergence of ciggs. The friends are in total awe.

4. After the drinking/smoking binge with sister, friends and pop, we went to dinner at a nearby Punjabi restaurant. The restrooms there were distinguished by plates that read “Kings” and “Queens”, and I was literally uncertain for a moment. Very misleading. What’s wrong with the conventional and unambiguous “Men” and “Women”?

5. I dropped in at the Bangalore Queer Film Festival on 2 occasions, once to watch a few films before I joined the lot at HRC, and another, for a discussion on 377 on another day (a few hours before Dad got in). The former, India’s premier of “A Single Man” was very enjoyable, while the latter unfortunately wasn’t. A few very long speeches, very few questions entertained and practically negligible responses offered all owing to shortage of time (caused due to the long speeches) Oh well, another time then!
And as always, whilst at the festival, I sat in a corner like a touch-me-not, giving bad vibes without intending to, and feeling very awkward and asocial. I’m not going to blend into the Bangalore crowd anytime soon, evidently!

A long time has passed since. Tanuja has boarded her flight, and pop will return tomorrow. I return to office after 4 days away. Life is going back to normal at a pace never imagined before.

And my Google Reader is bursting in the seams.

Feeling Down? Come out, then…

28 Jan

In a moment of insanity, I told Hag Designate 3 (who actually turned out to be No. 4, thanks to the sudden, unexpected coming out this winter, in Delhi)

She called up Hag 1 just to make sure I wasn’t taking her case. I redirected her to my profile on the online website, to seal the deal.

She was silent for an awful long amount of time. Silence can be disturbing.

But it seems we’re talking about it now. And as she says, “a lot of things make sense now”… And yes, they are!

Phew, coming out is SUCH a task!

“I don’t sleep with women, btw”

8 Jan

So Hagatha wrote on chat this morning, “When do you plan to start coming out to people?” and proceeded with a long lecture about how my friends “deserve to know”. I don’t want to get into the details of the chat, vague and inconclusive as they were, but her concern certainly stayed on my mind into the evening when I was meeting an old friend from school.

This friend is rather different from the normal lot. She was always tremendously fond of me, to the extent of having a crush on me for several months in the first year of our friendship (which she didn’t confess to then) and seemingly very close to me. Till today, she insists on describing the tiniest detail of her sexual needs, wants and practices even though we meet once in a year! And she always pesters me to reveal mine, in as much detail as I can manage beyond the state of blushing a crimson red.
So after so many years of describing my “sex life” in gender-neutral comments, and after failed attempts in answering her questions about sexual norms and practices of heterosexual couples, I decided to break it to her.

Me : Errr… do you smoke?
She : OMG I do! That’s the best question you’ve asked me all day!
Me : Okay, cool. (I’m sure I can do this better with a cigarette in my hand…)
<We get cigs, find a nice corner where there’s a spot of privacy>
Me : I have a secret to tell you… One that I’ve only told 3 other people, and you cannot tell anyone…
She : Haan haan, tell me… Achha vaise, this place has awesome sheesha… You want to do Sheesha?
Me : (Okay, I just told her I want to tell her a secret, goddamit! Where is her attention!) No, I don’t want to do Sheesha…
She : Okay, you were going to tell me a secret… What is it?
Me : I don’t believe you actually interrupted me on that! [So there I stood, smoking in as gay a fashion as I could, hoping it would be enough of a clue for her… But I had hoped for too much…]
She : Okay, now tell me…
Me : I don’t sleep with women.
She : [Visibly confused] Ohh… errr… huh?
Me : I     don’t     sleep     with     women.
She : [Giggles] So what, you sleep with men?
Me : Yes, I do…
She : [In surprise] What??? [Dropping to a whisper] You’re gay?
Me : Yes.
She : You’re gay?
Me : Yes!
She : Seriously??
Me : YES!

Then, she proceeded to hug me in joy as if I’d told her I was pregnant. What followed was a few hours of an educational seminar on homosexuality (She thought it was something people “became” over time, and could get out of. And she thought gay marriage had become legal recently. And that since there were so many homeless kids in India, it would be easy for a gay couple to adopt one.)
Also, she made me describe homosexual sex to her in vivid detail (since her queries about heterosexual sex, prior to my revelation had, much to her surprise, resolved very few of her doubts… I am SO clueless about orgasms and g-spots in women! Girls, fill me up please!) and found it less disgusting than I do, though that’s not saying much.

So that’s 4 in all now. And this one I told in person! A milestone, if you ask me!

“Thought I’d let you know… you’re out.”

2 Jan

So Hagatha called me this morning.

Hagatha : I have something to tell you
Me : Haan haan, go on…
Hagatha : You have some time to spare? It’ll take a while…
Me : Ya re, go ahead… Tons of time…
Hagatha : Arre no, we’ll talk later… You wake up and all, first.
Hagatha : Been awake for a while, not to worry. What’s up?
Hagatha : I told Amit about you.
Me : Oh, okay… Cool… thanks!
Hagatha : I hope you’re not mad… I felt bad telling him without asking you first
Me : I have no issues at all re… Had to tell him some time or the other. You just made it easier for me. Besides, I’m sure he knew it at some level. It was probably the last piece in the jigsaw.
Hagatha : Yes, exactly. He didn’t react very negatively or anything… He sort of guessed it, and I just said yes. He asked me how I knew, and how long I’d known and who all knew… and if you had told your parents. And he was very worried that you hadn’t. That you shouldn’t leave them in the dark like this. That it was better to drop the bomb sooner. I told him you wanted to keep it to yourself till I was independent and “had a boyfriend” (Sigh! The old me….)
Me : So when did you tell him?
Hagatha : October End
Me : Whhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttt??????? I was with him for 2 friggin’ months during which he’d known and I had no idea???
Hagatha : Umm… yes… In fact, when you told him that you were spending New Years with school friends, he was confused and remarked “But he said he wasn’t really close to any of his school friends” and I just said “Ummm… I don’t quite think he’s partying with his school friends!” and he understood.

The delightful individual that he is, he chose not to make anything awkward for me over the past 2 months while I was in the dark about him not being in the dark anymore, but instead decided to make up for it by calling me up today, probably after she informed him of our conversation.

Amit : Haan, kya kar raha hai?
Then I engaged in very random, trivial conversation, not really letting him speak since I knew the point of his call, and found that to be awkward.
Amit : So how was your New Year’s Party? With your “school friends”?
Me : I don’t remember too much. Good, I guess. I was really drunk and slept through an hour of it, I was told the next day.
Amit : So had a good time with your “school friends”, eh?  Met anyone interesting?
Me : Errr… no.
Amit : Achha, just wanted to tell you… No awkwardness from my side.
Me : Haan re, I know…

And then thankfully, we hung up!
Right, so that officially makes him the first guy friend I’m out to. Unless of course some of the others know as well, and someone else needs to out that fact to me. Hmph!