Wishful Thinking – Confrontation

15 Oct

I realize that we might never speak again… But what do I do with all these conversations stuck in my head, that will never take place? A lot of drama, I admit… but best that I try and let it out, until it ceases by itself…

He doesn’t need to hear it, but I need to say it out loud…

 

Vikram: Meet this weekend?

Me: Sure… How about a play? Or would you rather pretend to not be interested, then watch it anyway, and pretend that you heard it was good but it didn’t work out for you?
Can’t imagine why you felt the need to lie…

A tragically small world

8 Oct

Purab is a good friend who I bonded with quite some time ago. I knew that Purab’s been sort of interested in me for quite some time. I was interested in him physically, but no more. That too ended after our first time. But I was pretty clear that he should not develop any feelings for me (even though matters of the heart cannot be controlled with mere instructions). Moreover, I was quite clear about my feelings towards Vikram.

Since then, it seems Purab’s managed to move on. He talks of other guys, other crushes. It also makes spending time with him less awkward, though it never was too awkward to begin with. That’s because he was the one with the feelings, and me, the one abusing them.

About two and a half weeks ago, Purab mentioned some friend at work, and how he’d thought about introducing me to that friend, since we’re apparently very suited to each other, in his opinion. However, this friend has been dating someone else for some time, so he couldn’t. He was showing me that friend’s photographs on FB, and I came across one snap of him with an old flame, which didn’t go beyond phone-dating. This friend of Purab’s, who’s very suited for me, is dating the old flame.

Two Fridays ago, I went on a date with what I literally found to be a breath of fresh air. Gagan did not appear to think differently. We spent almost every minute we could in each others’ company, before I had to rush off to work. That Sunday, I arbitrarily called him and ended up spending the night with him and another friend. Not much happened at night, because he’d recently broken up with someone, and couldn’t stop thinking of him. I literally thought I’d found a new, potentially close friend that I would come to be grateful for. Moreover, he kept mentioning how attractive he found me, and I in return, how attractive I found him.
A week later, I landed up at a party with Gagan and Purab. Both of them were supposed to come back to my place, and Gagan was supposed to bring along a (platonic) friend who’d been staying with him for the last day or so. His friend didn’t show. Instead, Gagan brought home an exotic date, who he suggested he wasn’t interested in too much, but kept making out with all night. No idea what took place in their bedroom later that night. But I doubt the ex was on his mind that much, 6 days after.

Today, Purab told me over chat that he’d been chatting up Gagan, and they’d intended to meet for dinner, and he’d intended to stay over. Shortly after, he told me that he’d seen Vikram the previous night, with (mostly insignificant) person I’d chatted briefly with online, before he did a disappearing act. Mostly asocial Vikram, who claims he never goes out on dates because it unduly raises peoples’ expectations. Maybe it wasn’t a date. I have no way of knowing.

Needless to say, I had to sleep off my depression to depressing piano pieces, followed by a short nap. Thankfully, it worked to an extent. I’m not ardently wishing for a hand-gun anymore. But I wouldn’t mind having one anyway.

Come Undone

5 Sep
Me: I suppose I will have to eventually stop or at least reduce meeting you… Seems like I’ve been testing my resilience, or some would say stupidity, over the last few months…

Him: Hmm not sure what’s on your mind….like I said earlier…check for expectations …with boss and with others

Me: I suppose I misunderstood your expectations early on, and that misunderstanding has faded with time

Him: Call if u’d like to talk…

Me: If I was comfortable talking about it, I would’ve brought it up long ago… I thought age was a barrier, and that misconception was cleared today… So it must be something else?

[He tries calling at this point, but I disconnect]
Me: As I said, not comfortable talking about it… And I thought you also said texting is easier?

[Long silence from his end]
Me: Conversation ends here?

Him: No…but I don’t want to do it on sms…Prefer to talk or better still in person…I care about u and would like u as a friend….

Me: I guess I just care about you as much more than a friend. I suppose I just needed you to know, because you somehow don’t seem to pick up on hints.
But there’s a clear mismatch in expectations, so I guess there’s no point in talking about it. But I guess I needed you to know, so I’m done with that.

Him: Ok.yes I know

A true Romantic

5 Aug

How unfortunate that I cry about my awkward hours is since I cannot go on an evening date…

How shallow of me that I nurture an American dream, only with the hope of finding a mate

How pathetic of me to be willing to renounce that long-nurtured desires, as I lay in his soft embrace

How tragic that I know that I must, but I cannot wait.

No Baggage

31 Jul

All good things must come to an end…

Thankfully, so must the bad…

All that’s left is the fateful step. And then, letting go…

I lie here, inches away from him. In the middle of the night. Hearing his every breath. Wanting to crawl into him, where I found such bliss.
How insensitive, how robotic can one get?
Why did I paint these colorful images in my mind? Was it necessary to come all this way, to have this realization?

Should I talk to him? Should I not? Does he know? Does he care?

Will I ever find another like him, but one who cares?

Someone Like You

11 May

Why is it that the last thought before I fall asleep, and the first when I awake, is being wrapped in your embrace?
How is it that you take away my peace, unless my head on your shoulder lays?
Why is it that the thought of two weeks without you, causes so much pain?
Why do you make me feel at the very beginning, that I’ve lost the race?

Why in your tight embrace, do I feel so secure?
Each time you leave, I’m left feeling so unsure?
Why must I strive to distract from thoughts of you?
How am I to break from your allure?

You are so perfect, in every which way.
You listen, you laugh, bring out the best in me each day.
Make the right noises, without giving  much away.
But how am I to know if you are really here to stay?

Your home is my temple
Your bed is my shrine
Your visits are a blessing
Your presence is sublime

The sound of your voice
The touch, feel, sight of your greys
I bask in your wisdom
I strive for your affection, more attention
But wonder if it’s not only for me?

You fill up my senses
My heart and my mind
Do not leave, let me rest in your
tight, tight embrace
Even when the sun has set
and risen
and set again
Let us just lay

Why I believe I’m a Drama Queen…

28 Apr

There’s nothing surprising about a gay guy being a Drama Queen, right? It’s probably a fundamental right for them. And it’s almost a part of his daily life. It adds spice to it, makes him interesting (if the drama is within limits) and almost defines his existence.

Well, those are the exact kind of thoughts that a book I recently purchased is going to attempt to banish from my mind.

So while I was hunting for GMAT Prep books, I came across this book on a most unexpected online book store, where I never thought I’d find it. (To be fair, I found it AFTER I’d purchased the GMAT prep book!)

To those who shop for books online in India, no I did not find it on Flipkart, where I would not be surprised to find it if a book is worth it’s cost. I found it on another website, called Coinjoos.com, which doesn’t seem to have any more gay material on it.
Moreover, I got it as a second-hand in mint-condition, which means I paid Rs. 120 for it, as opposed to the discounted price of Rs. 600 on Flipkart! What a steal! Especially since I never was looking for it in the first place… It literally dropped out of nowhere.

So why do I think that I too am a Drama Queen? Several observations come to mind.

1. That I think a book can magically transform me. (Though I hope this one can, substantially if not dramatically entirely).

2. That I needed to come across this book to realize that I “have a problem”, so to speak, which needs to be looked into.

3. That I started this blog, just to mope about my life!

4. The observation that I tend to become popular very quickly among people when I’m introduced to them, and then gradually fade in “popularity” and “visibility”. To quote what the book says, drama is initially appealing to all, but gradually they lose interest and may even find it tiring (how am I to know). And that I often think that people are/get tired of me, even when they’re not.

5. That I like to take drastic steps to bring about the smallest change.

6. That I wrote the above sentence without actually meaning it, or understanding its implication, but just because it sounded nice.

7. That I’m so quickly offended for the smallest of reasons, and tend to cut myself off from he/she who offends (imagining all sorts of revenge against them in my mind: refer next point), until I eventually just forget about it altogether.

8. The 24×7 Broadway that is running in my head, showcasing my wishful thinking, or my interpretation of how certain events that happened should really have happened. Or could have happened. Or should not have happened. Just about anything really. The smallest of impetus can send it off in a tizzy.

9. That I’ve already come up with 8 points, and could dish out another 80 without too much effort.

10. That I had to write this blog post about this book, instead of just reading the damn thing. I’m writing a post hailing a book that I’ve read 5 pages of, and not even begun to enjoy.

Go Figure!

Anyhow, will get back to it now, and keep you folks updated. Wish me luck!