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Changes

10 Sep

I haven’t posted since March, and how things have changed…

Well, I wouldn’t have posted now either, if I hadn’t received adorably sweet emails from random readers in my inbox over the last few months.

What’s been up with me? I quit my job, packed my bags, left the country and am in the sunniest part of the United States. The people make it seem mostly like Mexico, but it’s like a campus town, so lots of hot college boys moving around, making me feel worse about my age and body… oh well! At least they inspire me to go out on a run once in a while!

I had tall plans for getting here (just as I always have tall plans for any identified “next” stage in life, none of which I end up executing) and that’s the case here as well. I thought that since I was going back to school and studying a more desirable curriculum, I’d be organized and attentive and diligent, but like hell.
On the other hand, I’ve been here 40 days, and have met 2 people in all (neither of which translated into a second meet), so it’s not like I’m not studying because I’m distracted for the wrong reasons.

Either way, being in the US is not as big a “progression” as I thought it would be, but maybe I’d have to go back to India to realize its full worth. Here, I mostly hang out with a few of the Indian folks, but they’re super cool and super fun, so even though I’m not hanging out with white people or whatever, I’m super happy with the company.
Romantic life is negligible. Not having a car in a town that’s so spread out and is with limited public transport, doesn’t help.

What else is up? Well, nothing comes to mind. You tell me?

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Someone Like You

11 May

Why is it that the last thought before I fall asleep, and the first when I awake, is being wrapped in your embrace?
How is it that you take away my peace, unless my head on your shoulder lays?
Why is it that the thought of two weeks without you, causes so much pain?
Why do you make me feel at the very beginning, that I’ve lost the race?

Why in your tight embrace, do I feel so secure?
Each time you leave, I’m left feeling so unsure?
Why must I strive to distract from thoughts of you?
How am I to break from your allure?

You are so perfect, in every which way.
You listen, you laugh, bring out the best in me each day.
Make the right noises, without giving  much away.
But how am I to know if you are really here to stay?

Your home is my temple
Your bed is my shrine
Your visits are a blessing
Your presence is sublime

The sound of your voice
The touch, feel, sight of your greys
I bask in your wisdom
I strive for your affection, more attention
But wonder if it’s not only for me?

You fill up my senses
My heart and my mind
Do not leave, let me rest in your
tight, tight embrace
Even when the sun has set
and risen
and set again
Let us just lay

Why I believe I’m a Drama Queen…

28 Apr

There’s nothing surprising about a gay guy being a Drama Queen, right? It’s probably a fundamental right for them. And it’s almost a part of his daily life. It adds spice to it, makes him interesting (if the drama is within limits) and almost defines his existence.

Well, those are the exact kind of thoughts that a book I recently purchased is going to attempt to banish from my mind.

So while I was hunting for GMAT Prep books, I came across this book on a most unexpected online book store, where I never thought I’d find it. (To be fair, I found it AFTER I’d purchased the GMAT prep book!)

To those who shop for books online in India, no I did not find it on Flipkart, where I would not be surprised to find it if a book is worth it’s cost. I found it on another website, called Coinjoos.com, which doesn’t seem to have any more gay material on it.
Moreover, I got it as a second-hand in mint-condition, which means I paid Rs. 120 for it, as opposed to the discounted price of Rs. 600 on Flipkart! What a steal! Especially since I never was looking for it in the first place… It literally dropped out of nowhere.

So why do I think that I too am a Drama Queen? Several observations come to mind.

1. That I think a book can magically transform me. (Though I hope this one can, substantially if not dramatically entirely).

2. That I needed to come across this book to realize that I “have a problem”, so to speak, which needs to be looked into.

3. That I started this blog, just to mope about my life!

4. The observation that I tend to become popular very quickly among people when I’m introduced to them, and then gradually fade in “popularity” and “visibility”. To quote what the book says, drama is initially appealing to all, but gradually they lose interest and may even find it tiring (how am I to know). And that I often think that people are/get tired of me, even when they’re not.

5. That I like to take drastic steps to bring about the smallest change.

6. That I wrote the above sentence without actually meaning it, or understanding its implication, but just because it sounded nice.

7. That I’m so quickly offended for the smallest of reasons, and tend to cut myself off from he/she who offends (imagining all sorts of revenge against them in my mind: refer next point), until I eventually just forget about it altogether.

8. The 24×7 Broadway that is running in my head, showcasing my wishful thinking, or my interpretation of how certain events that happened should really have happened. Or could have happened. Or should not have happened. Just about anything really. The smallest of impetus can send it off in a tizzy.

9. That I’ve already come up with 8 points, and could dish out another 80 without too much effort.

10. That I had to write this blog post about this book, instead of just reading the damn thing. I’m writing a post hailing a book that I’ve read 5 pages of, and not even begun to enjoy.

Go Figure!

Anyhow, will get back to it now, and keep you folks updated. Wish me luck!

Silly Child

26 Apr

Silly child, silly child,
Won’t you shush, sit still a while?
Mother, mother’s always right
Laugh not loud, politely smile
To be seen, not to be heard
They’re strangers to whom you speak
Spare you not their judgments vile
Do not cry, but force a smile

Little child, little child,
Think not that you’ve come along
A long, long way, to destination yet
Many a path you shall tread wrong
Life is not a fairytale
You are insignificant at most
Music plays, but it shall cease
Silence, darkness, so morose

Little child, you silly child
Speak when spoken to, alone
Not too much, as less as could
Be not seen, but be about

Just My Imagination

18 Jan

is this little place I like to go, when I want to go somewhere I cannot go in person. Where the only people around, are by invite only, and who cannot say no. Where conversation is controlled, and decided by me. Where I can speak my mind, unrehearsed yet perfected, with great timing, and receive the response it deserves.
Where I can put people in their place. Where those I want to like me, have no choice but to do so, and those I tend to envy, find the tables turned.

There’s a little place called my imagination where I spent most of my childhood, and nearly every night, as I still do so. There’s a little place called my imagination where I escape every time life feels so wrong. There’s a little place called my imagination, that weakens me from the core. My vice, my weakness, my imagination.

The Mirror Has Two Faces

28 Dec

Why do I pity you
For all that I think you do not have
Disregarding all that you do?

Why do I pride myself
For all that I think I have
Worthless and temporary too?

Doubt

19 Dec

Maybe what they said is right. Maybe I am just a child?
And all that I thought I was, all that I wanted to be, was but a misconception?