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The Right To Choose

1 Nov

Dear Father,
Yesterday, as I sat before your siblings, constantly being insulted over and over… on the charge of having my own priorities, or for daring to speak and not just listen as I was categorically insulted in bullet points… as I sat there, in the face of your brother’s blatant, disgusting, foul hypocrisy… for not conforming to some standard template as expected of me (but surprisingly not his own children)… As you sat there witnessing all of it, and not uttering a word, who knows, maybe enjoying every minute of it, you made a choice, then and there. A choice to limit our relationship to one of cordiality.

I’m no poorer with one less aunt and uncle, but I certainly find it ironic that I’m poorer by a what could have been a strong bond with my father, of who I thought I was a carbon copy. But is now reduced by your actions, your priorities and your choices, to a mere formality.
But am I an image of you, I wonder? Would I fail to value the dignity of my wife and own children, before the ego of my siblings and their offspring? Would I turn a blind eye to the pleas of my own creation? Would I value tradition over emotion?

For all that you’ve been to me, over the years Father, none matter as much as this betrayal…

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Someone Like You

11 May

Why is it that the last thought before I fall asleep, and the first when I awake, is being wrapped in your embrace?
How is it that you take away my peace, unless my head on your shoulder lays?
Why is it that the thought of two weeks without you, causes so much pain?
Why do you make me feel at the very beginning, that I’ve lost the race?

Why in your tight embrace, do I feel so secure?
Each time you leave, I’m left feeling so unsure?
Why must I strive to distract from thoughts of you?
How am I to break from your allure?

You are so perfect, in every which way.
You listen, you laugh, bring out the best in me each day.
Make the right noises, without giving  much away.
But how am I to know if you are really here to stay?

Your home is my temple
Your bed is my shrine
Your visits are a blessing
Your presence is sublime

The sound of your voice
The touch, feel, sight of your greys
I bask in your wisdom
I strive for your affection, more attention
But wonder if it’s not only for me?

You fill up my senses
My heart and my mind
Do not leave, let me rest in your
tight, tight embrace
Even when the sun has set
and risen
and set again
Let us just lay

Letter

30 Dec

Dear Life,
I get your point.
I’ll never find love, in someone who will love me back.
I will never be satisfied with what I have, no matter how much I coax myself.
There will always be some situation at work, to make me unhappy with my job.
I will always have at least 10 people around me to remind me how I’m responsible for my own situation, because of my own lack of initiative.
And you will not give me courage to kill myself in the time to come. But instead tons of agony and confusion.
I hope you’re enjoying yourself.

Afterthought

10 Jun

June 2001

The luxury car cruised beside the vast ocean. The waters rippled softly towards the shore as the waves broke against the rocks and receded into eternal blue.
“This stretch is called the Marine Drive,” she swerved her finger. “It’s also called the ‘Queen’s Necklace’. At night, when the street lamps are lit, it gives the appearance of a pearl necklace.”
He listened quietly and nodded. All of 13, he scarcely thought he would remember the buildings she identified to him. But then, he hadn’t been brought up to speak his mind.
He sank further into a corner, intimidated by the sole company of his affectionate cousin, twenty years his senior. He turned his gaze toward the ocean, watching the waves ripple softly towards the shore.

June 2007

“This is unpleasantly surprising and extremely unexpected.” Her tone was stern and grim. “One always thought you were raised as extremely well-behaved and disciplined. These outbursts at your parents are confusing and unsettling.”
He listened quietly, his insides squirming at the tone of her voice. He himself could not completely understand the reasons behind his outbursts, and what resentment he held against his parents. At that point, everything was confusing; the past, the present and the uncertainty of the future.
Her eyes glared at his face in a feeble attempt to decipher. He looked down at the table, seething. His parents, and all others, sat at the table in uncomfortable silence.

June 2010

“The resentment I held against my father 3 years ago was for not earning enough. It stemmed from the expectations my mother has always had of me. If we were wealthier, she would not hold those expectations and I would not be in a position to let her down,” he said, breaking years of silence.

“Why did you think you would not be able to fulfill her expectations?” he heard her question.

“Because I didn’t know for sure if I would always remain part of the family, once they came to know about me. Because back then, I probably thought most of us walk down that same road. That there is no acceptance. Today, I’m not so sure. Father seems loving and accepting of deviants. Mother may not seem so now, but she’ll understand eventually. Back then, I had no hope. I rebelled because I wanted to reject them, before they could reject me. Today, I’m not so sure.”
More silence followed, interrupted occasionally by the sound of the waves breaking on the rocks.

“I wish I could have told you all of this while there was time.” He turned to where she had sat 9 years ago, and beheld the void. All he had now were memories. Memories of her in her resplendent grace as she had stridden through her abruptly short life, leaving behind a grieving mother, widower, family and an innocent young child. A perfect life. Her perfect life.

“I wish I could have given you 30 years of my life. You had everything; the perfect husband, a beautiful child. A doting mother, a loving family, eternal wealth, a beautiful life. All I have is impending gloom. I wish I could have given you 30 years of my life.”

The luxury car cruised beside the vast ocean. The waters rippled softly towards the shore, the waves broke against the rocks and receded into eternal blue.

Cowardice

7 Jun

I want to creep into this blanket and stay,
I don’t want to face the day,
I woke at the break of dawn,
To realize that you were gone…

And yet, true realization is yet to sink in. Why do I feel there is no grief? Haven’t I been grieving since forever? So why is it that when it finally happens, I feel so empty? So empty…

When there’s nothing left to look forward to…

18 May

So remember how annoyed I used to be when I had to sit around at work with nothing to do?
On Monday, I got some decent, interesting work… just when I can REALLY do with zero-workload, in order to prepare a goddamn report that I have to submit!

So the presentation at college is on Monday. The report should be ready by tomorrow. It’s half done, and the most important parts remain. I still have tons of work left, that I have to complete before I head off to college for 4 whole days.
I also have to make a 20-minute presentation somewhere in between, to be presented Monday afternoon. And I know for a fact that I’m not going to bother working on it till Monday morning, and will end up spending Friday-Sunday worrying about it and not enjoying myself. SCREW ME!

What does NOT help is that since the dear flat-mate’s unwelcome brother has been cooking nineteen-to-a-dozen since he came, the gas has run out. And since the flat-mate had neither contributed to its purchase then, and doesn’t intend to do so now either, and I’m leaving in a month or so, it makes no sense to get a new cylinder. So no more cooking!
And I haven’t even a month to renew my gym membership.
And the college-friend who I used to occasionally dine with, and more often regrettably turn down (because of gym and cooking) has left town for good, so no dinner buddy.

Talk about everything going wrong ALL AT ONCE!

WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY????????

One perfect solution…

30 Mar

… yet, so many obstacles