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The Right To Choose

1 Nov

Dear Father,
Yesterday, as I sat before your siblings, constantly being insulted over and over… on the charge of having my own priorities, or for daring to speak and not just listen as I was categorically insulted in bullet points… as I sat there, in the face of your brother’s blatant, disgusting, foul hypocrisy… for not conforming to some standard template as expected of me (but surprisingly not his own children)… As you sat there witnessing all of it, and not uttering a word, who knows, maybe enjoying every minute of it, you made a choice, then and there. A choice to limit our relationship to one of cordiality.

I’m no poorer with one less aunt and uncle, but I certainly find it ironic that I’m poorer by a what could have been a strong bond with my father, of who I thought I was a carbon copy. But is now reduced by your actions, your priorities and your choices, to a mere formality.
But am I an image of you, I wonder? Would I fail to value the dignity of my wife and own children, before the ego of my siblings and their offspring? Would I turn a blind eye to the pleas of my own creation? Would I value tradition over emotion?

For all that you’ve been to me, over the years Father, none matter as much as this betrayal…

A tragically small world

8 Oct

Purab is a good friend who I bonded with quite some time ago. I knew that Purab’s been sort of interested in me for quite some time. I was interested in him physically, but no more. That too ended after our first time. But I was pretty clear that he should not develop any feelings for me (even though matters of the heart cannot be controlled with mere instructions). Moreover, I was quite clear about my feelings towards Vikram.

Since then, it seems Purab’s managed to move on. He talks of other guys, other crushes. It also makes spending time with him less awkward, though it never was too awkward to begin with. That’s because he was the one with the feelings, and me, the one abusing them.

About two and a half weeks ago, Purab mentioned some friend at work, and how he’d thought about introducing me to that friend, since we’re apparently very suited to each other, in his opinion. However, this friend has been dating someone else for some time, so he couldn’t. He was showing me that friend’s photographs on FB, and I came across one snap of him with an old flame, which didn’t go beyond phone-dating. This friend of Purab’s, who’s very suited for me, is dating the old flame.

Two Fridays ago, I went on a date with what I literally found to be a breath of fresh air. Gagan did not appear to think differently. We spent almost every minute we could in each others’ company, before I had to rush off to work. That Sunday, I arbitrarily called him and ended up spending the night with him and another friend. Not much happened at night, because he’d recently broken up with someone, and couldn’t stop thinking of him. I literally thought I’d found a new, potentially close friend that I would come to be grateful for. Moreover, he kept mentioning how attractive he found me, and I in return, how attractive I found him.
A week later, I landed up at a party with Gagan and Purab. Both of them were supposed to come back to my place, and Gagan was supposed to bring along a (platonic) friend who’d been staying with him for the last day or so. His friend didn’t show. Instead, Gagan brought home an exotic date, who he suggested he wasn’t interested in too much, but kept making out with all night. No idea what took place in their bedroom later that night. But I doubt the ex was on his mind that much, 6 days after.

Today, Purab told me over chat that he’d been chatting up Gagan, and they’d intended to meet for dinner, and he’d intended to stay over. Shortly after, he told me that he’d seen Vikram the previous night, with (mostly insignificant) person I’d chatted briefly with online, before he did a disappearing act. Mostly asocial Vikram, who claims he never goes out on dates because it unduly raises peoples’ expectations. Maybe it wasn’t a date. I have no way of knowing.

Needless to say, I had to sleep off my depression to depressing piano pieces, followed by a short nap. Thankfully, it worked to an extent. I’m not ardently wishing for a hand-gun anymore. But I wouldn’t mind having one anyway.

Silly Child

26 Apr

Silly child, silly child,
Won’t you shush, sit still a while?
Mother, mother’s always right
Laugh not loud, politely smile
To be seen, not to be heard
They’re strangers to whom you speak
Spare you not their judgments vile
Do not cry, but force a smile

Little child, little child,
Think not that you’ve come along
A long, long way, to destination yet
Many a path you shall tread wrong
Life is not a fairytale
You are insignificant at most
Music plays, but it shall cease
Silence, darkness, so morose

Little child, you silly child
Speak when spoken to, alone
Not too much, as less as could
Be not seen, but be about

Color Me Turquoise

16 Jul

Okay, one day late it may be but I’m going to attempt to adhere all other instructions issued pertaining to drafting this post.

So I finally met up with Chandu yesterday, making her the first co-blogger I’ve met from here. (Sowie Rani, but you and I will happen REALLY SOON!) She was accompanied by a really sweet friend of hers, quite funny, but the dude got really drunk and profane towards the end of the evening, what with all the whiskey, and she practically had to beg him not to take his clothes of then and there! But he was sweet nonetheless. Very sweet! At least before the alcohol, and for some time after.

And what can one say about C? Well, that she’s a significantly different from what she seems through her blog. Not only does she look 10 years younger than in her pictures (bad, BAD photography), she actually seems 5 years younger by nature as well! She hasn’t been able to, I think, figure out whether that’s a compliment or not. Actually, neither have I :-S
And boyyyyy can she drink! Okay, technically she didn’t drink SO much last night, and she wasn’t exactly running haywire and obscene (unlike her friend), she did seem to be struggling to keep from shrieking like an 18-year old bimbo (Groupies, they call ’em – Thanks, Chandu-friend) each time one of her favourite songs came on. But yes, she resisted. Thank you, Chandu!
Oh, and she INSISTS on making all the decisions (about the order etc etc) so one definitely knows who calls the shots in her household :-S

The pub that she chose, called TC (formerly Turquoise Cottage) at some godforsaken village called Adchini (though bang in one corner of the city, yes) was almost a blast from my (recent) past… Nearly every track they played exists on the frequent playlist of our frequented pub back in college.

Anyhow, that WAS the last evening out in this Delhi trip. I thankfully caught what-could’ve-been the last train back home (god-bless-you Delhi Metro, else I would’ve had to drive, ergo I wouldn’t have been able to drink) and hopefully, by the next time I’m in town, I’ll be a confident driver (One can HOPE, can one not?).

The airplane takes off tomorrow, and once again, I commence yet another new life. No strange sentiments over leaving Delhi this time round. Maybe it’s the heat :-S What I do feel lousy about is that my flight is at 2, the airport is at the other end of the city, it’s 1 a.m. and I haven’t packed!!!

I think I owe a longish post about what transpired with Delhi-boy. Should come in very soon. And I thought I’d be clearing my blog-post-backlog this summer, but that certainly has NOT happened! I’ll get there folks… Though hopefully not before I finish start reading the course material sent to me by ze company I join this Monday. Have been waiting for that day for quite a few months, even if just to be able to add it to my Networks on Facebook.
Yes, I’m shallow like that sometimes :-S

Sympathy Vote

28 Apr

How heart-warming it is when people wish to lend a helping hand, and look out for you because they appreciate you or any aspect of you.

How hurtful it is to realize that they were doing so because they pity you.

Fag Alert! Fag Alert!

27 Apr

So I was at the aunt’s place when a friend of her son’s (who himself is working abroad) decided to drop in. She sent me to receive him at the elevator, and lo behold was I surprised!
Yep, you guessed it!

I was all smiles as I walked him to the apartment. No, not because he’s “cute” or could “rock my world” but simply because I wouldn’t be the only gay guy in the apartment that evening…

Not only that, he was a whole step ahead… He was much more obvious than I, and I doubt, would’ve left any doubt over his identity… I cannot imagine what it was about the situation that I simply had to suppress a half-knowing smile… no, chuckle… all through the evening! And the dude is practically my cousin’s best friend.

Which just makes me wonder like anything. To be honest, I don’t think any of my cousin bro’s have (had) girlfriends, and it really makes me wonder about them! None of them are unpleasant to look at… The cousin in question here even looks like a goddamn European (until one hears him speak)…

Could it be? Even if it isn’t so, it’s good to know that at least someone in the family is as close to someone from the community. I don’t know why, but it’s totally made my evening 🙂
Power to the Pinks!

Long weekend, in more ways than one

2 Mar

Yes, I knew it was going to be a long weekend… For one, I had taken a day off from work. After all, Tanuja (Hag No. 2) was coming in from Singapore, and we had Monday off for Holi (yay!) so it was amounting to four days off consecutively, which I wouldn’t really frown upon after spending 12 days in office non-stop. But I never imagined that the week would be as long as it turned out to be!

1. Pop called on Friday and discreetly gave me a heads up that Maa was coming in to town the next day to give us a surprise, and asked if there was anything he wanted sent through her. That peeved me a bit, because I had specifically told her NOT to come on this weekend since Tanuja was coming in too, and instead on a different weekend so that I’d have time to spend with her. Which I told him in so many words.
A few hours later, sister called and informed me that it was Dad was coming in, actually, and only for 3 days. He’d be coming in 1 day after Tanuja and leaving almost at the same time. So suddenly, my 4 day break seemed even lesser now!

2. I was at HardRockCafe in Bangalore the other night, and extremely bored owing to the number of people I didn’t know over there, so I moved base outdoors, and over a casual SMS conversation, came out to Alika, the homophobic hag. In fact, Hagatha and I came out to her together. Over SMS, of course 😛
She initially thought I was joking. In fact, for a very long time, she thought so. Post that, she was mostly silent, and we’ve practically not spoken since. I cannot imagine what’s going on in her head, because she hasn’t shared any of it with me, but I’ve heard nothing from her since. An extremely long silence… No word of support, reassurance or anything at all… and frankly, I’m not even bothered to find out why.
I didn’t think she was deserving of knowing, but Hagatha and Magatha (the Male Hag, Hagatha’s boyfriend and my best friend [I think I can safely call him]) pushed me into telling her, saying I owed it to her. Well, I certainly disagree presently.
And Alika being herself, I wonder how many people, and who all, know by now…

3. Last night, I was at the sister’s, with dad and sister’s friends. Two of them very shyly stepped out for a smoke, and Dad decided to join them. And so did I. And much to my sister’s discomfort, my father and I shared a cigarette, while my dad told us the history of the emergence of ciggs. The friends are in total awe.

4. After the drinking/smoking binge with sister, friends and pop, we went to dinner at a nearby Punjabi restaurant. The restrooms there were distinguished by plates that read “Kings” and “Queens”, and I was literally uncertain for a moment. Very misleading. What’s wrong with the conventional and unambiguous “Men” and “Women”?

5. I dropped in at the Bangalore Queer Film Festival on 2 occasions, once to watch a few films before I joined the lot at HRC, and another, for a discussion on 377 on another day (a few hours before Dad got in). The former, India’s premier of “A Single Man” was very enjoyable, while the latter unfortunately wasn’t. A few very long speeches, very few questions entertained and practically negligible responses offered all owing to shortage of time (caused due to the long speeches) Oh well, another time then!
And as always, whilst at the festival, I sat in a corner like a touch-me-not, giving bad vibes without intending to, and feeling very awkward and asocial. I’m not going to blend into the Bangalore crowd anytime soon, evidently!

A long time has passed since. Tanuja has boarded her flight, and pop will return tomorrow. I return to office after 4 days away. Life is going back to normal at a pace never imagined before.

And my Google Reader is bursting in the seams.