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1 Jan

Before my sleep broke for the last time this morning, I had a very moving dream, one in which I could truly not distinguish from reality.

In my dream, I was sitting in my old house, in the study with my grandfather before me. Somehow, I was congnizant of the fact that he was about to pass, and sitting there before him listening him to talk of his days, I wanted to keep sitting instead of politely listen and subsequently sneak away upstairs to the solitude I loved so much.

As I sat there, I was aware of the fact that those were his last days. Five minutes later, he had moved to his bed, to rest a while, and I stood around, filled with fear that he wouldn’t rise again. I was almost outside his bedroom, and I could see him taking very deep, uncomfortable breaths. And I was torn between wanting to stay there, with him through his last moments, or run away and not have to witness one of the most painful events of my history. I was conscious of the fact that should I happen to preempt anything that happened then, it would change the last 4 years, some for good (possibly my cousin’s subsequent passing) and some for bad (none come to mind, but who wants to risk waking up one morning and knowing a part of their history’s been rewritten overnight?)

Eventually, I decided to somehow try and preempt the incident. I ran beside him, asking him loudly if he was okay, and he wanted something. He asked for some water, which I ran to get. By the time I returned, I recall him clambered on a wall, and as I brought the glass of water to his lips, he babbled like a child. I screamed for my mother, and that’s when I woke up.

Ironically enough, none of what I had seen in the dream was actually true. My grandfather had passed away most unexpectedly, in the midst of his morning walk one day after my birthday, when my parents were travelling between my college town and my sisters, and both my sister and I were away to college. Only a day before, he had called me to wish me a happy birthday and tell me that he’d transferred some money to my account (which turned out to be unusually large). After his passing, people would say he died a saint’s death, at the time that he had wanted to… having sent away everyone around him, in the middle of his walk, all by himself. At the same time, he had left quite a few things undone.

All said and done, this dream gave me, if nothing else, a few very precious moments with him, prior to the chaos, when we both sat in our old house, he on his standard chair. Except instead of reading as he always did, or watching television, he was playing with plasticine, which in hindsight makes no sense, but in the dream, I had interpreted to be some hobby of his generation of folks.
His voice was clear as crystal, as melodious as it always sounded to all of us who loved him, and that moment… brief as it was… was so valuable.

I was afraid that in these last nearly 4 years, memories of him would fade, and he would become less significant in my daily life, which is true. However, this dream reinvoked his memory and reminded me of just how broken I was… we all were… when he passed away so suddenly; and of how fiercely I loved him, and always will.

Parting Ways

8 Oct

So one third of the triangle that I’d written about a couple of months ago will board a flight, and leave for good. He was a good friend. I enjoyed the time I spent with him immensely. I cannot imagine what he must feel like, leaving a town after spending 5 formative years in it. To me, too, it’s the loss of a the best friend I’ve made here so far, my friend, my confidant.

Yes, I know he’s just a phone-call away. But the thought that I wouldn’t be able to meet him as often as I want is terribly unpleasant, and I wish I’d spent more time with him, because he’s just so much fun to be around.

As for the other third of the triangle, the one I felt so strongly for, I’ve also decided to exclude him from my life, what with how reliant I was becoming on him, and how unreceptive he has been.

So I’m deprived of two very close gay friends, possibly the only people I thought I could count on.

That’s life… People leave. Some physically, some metaphorically. But the show must go on, right?

Looking back…

19 Sep

I can’t imagine why I’m not blogging so frequently anymore. And why I’m not reading either. There’s absolutely no excuse! (Maybe once I get my own terminal at work?)

Excuses, excuses, excuses… Has anyone here ever told me how disgustingly full of excuses I am?
(My mother does it all the time, but whoever listens to one’s own mother???)

So I was going through my archives. For some reason, when I was down in the dumps yesterday, head over heals about umm… Suraj… I turned to my archives for some sort of solace. Why? I thought that maybe if I read my posts and come across similar instances, I’ll realize how I’ve been through this before, and that this crazy yearning goes away in time.
Well, I’m yet to come across appropriate posts, because I’ve only read one month’s worth (GEEZ, I whined a lot!).

One observation was that I was less pessimistic when I started out. The pessimism just grew and grew. How could blogging do that to me? Should’ve worked the other way round :-S

One most interesting observation was in a post dated 11th June 2008, which said that Bangalore has more gay parties than Delhi does.
And that I’d love to land up in Bangalore soon for an internship or something so that I could attend one.

Lo Behold! 8 months ago, that’s EXACTLY what happened! But did I attend parties during that internship? No, I did not. Why?

I told myself that I wasn’t making enough money to afford the travel, entry, booze yada yada yada.

Lo Behold! 2 months ago, I began making MORE than enough money to do ALL those things above!
In fact, last night during the Great Depression of September 2010, I felt extremely tempted to just get up, get dressed and head to the party nearby, and I still did not. SHAME on me. I said I’d do it next week.

Now I don’t know if I’ll manage next week, since Tanuja’s in town. So I’m POSITIVELY going the week after. It’s another matter that I hope Suraj attends the same, since he mentions attending them once a month or so. 😛

Also, I absolutely HAVE to attend the Support-Group meeting this Thursday! It’s the only Thursday I may be getting off in a long time, hence may not be able to get an opportunity to attend it anytime soon.
I went for one support-group meet a few months ago, while I was interning. Again, told myself I didn’t make enough money to do the night-travel (hiked auto-fares!), but as of 2 months ago, I CAN!

ENOUGH excuses.
The more examples I come across while going through the rest of my blog archives, which I hope I’ll complete till date, I HAVE to start delivering on my pledges!

One pledge I cannot deliver on was last year’s New Years resolution of spending it at Goa. Did you know it can cost anything close to 40-50 thou’s to spend the shortest time through New Year’s there??? No, let’s leave that for next year!

Oh wait a minute… Do I even GET New Years off? :-O

To finish the post with good news, Tanuja was finally asked out by the guy she’s been chasing across oceans for months now! Yay for her 😀 ALL my hags are officially committed. ALL of them!

Coming to a close…

17 Jun

As Monday looms large, thus comes to an end to my freedom… Well, till July. Time to head home soon. Would be quite happy to get out of this brilliant office (Sarcastic, yes… In spite of the fact that it helped me score a 10 pointer in my last semester at college. Ungrateful, I know!), yet quite upset at leaving the life that I have carved out for myself here. Depression comes in quotas, and then there are brilliant moments too. It’s almost like Yin and Yang.

For instance, I discovered not more than a month ago just how brilliant a terrace I have above my apartment that is NEVER used. Though it’s almost time to move out of there, I won’t forget the few but memorable experiences I had on that terrace 🙂 Late night phone conversations, making out, making advances or just having a smoke (alone and with company).

Thus, the hour approaches to leave it all behind, and head home (albeit temporarily) to the oppressive Delhi heat, literally no freedom and an atmosphere of gloom (owing to recent events in the family. I’m not being dramatic!)

It’s a small world!

3 Jun

Long story No. 1 short, I met someone on the networking website, we chatted on the phone a bit, met up soon after, I took him back to my terrace, we sat there talking for hours (exchanging gossip about lots of people we have in common), made out, got dirty, moved to my bedroom, got REALLY dirty, slept on the same side of the bed, he’s obsessed with me, I’m trying to keep it casual, blah blah. We talk on the phone for ages everyday.

The conversation this evening took the following turn:

Me: I’m taking your advice and walking back home from aunt’s house…

Him: Good boy!

Me: It’s 2 kilometres!

Him: That’s okay. I trekked 30 kms once in this camp I went for. I had 2 activities there… trekking and astronomy.

Me: OMG, what was this camp called?

Him: “I Discover Me”. They have lots of camps every year.

Me: OMG, I went for that too!! And I ALSO did trekking and astronomy…

*Long conversation on the activities that we’d both gone for, on our own times*

Him: We had this long night-out experience. We were out for 2 whole nights.

Me: Vaise, we might have gone within a year or two of each other… When did you go for yours?

Him: Now THAT I don’t remember…

Me: What year were you, in school?

Him: No clue!

Me: Lol! It would be so funny if we went to the same camp together!!!

Him: Do you remember anyone from your camp?

Me: Well, there was this REAAALLLYY hot guy called S*@&#@ K*#$#.

Him: DUDE, you are FREAKING me OUT!

Me: WHHHHHHHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’re KIDDING right?




Me: I wonder if I can manage to remember you…

Him: I remember SK got very pally with this guy in camp. He was even very protective of him for some time…

Me: DUDE, that was ME! OMGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! What a SMALL world!!!!!!


25 May

this could POSSIBLY be the last time I’m coming here, though I truly hope it isn’t.

But what is it about this town that makes me have such bittersweet emotions about it? The same old streets, the same old eateries… The same roads to walk on, the same hangout points… How much am I attached to it really? What makes me think about it so?

Is it because I invested 4 of what were supposed to be the best years of my life into it? My youth? My prime?

Except that it wasn’t my youth, my prime. 4 forgettable years that I don’t want to forget.

What do I hold against this place? That I had to attend lectures? No. That I was always so confused about who my friends were? No. That I had nobody special? Maybe. No sex? Possibly, though I wish it weren’t. (Not like I’m doing anything about it now.) That subsequent batches of students, with their youth, enthusiasm and innocence make me feel old and forgotten? Possibly.

I look at the people here and I pity those who remained for the last six months, in the prime of idle-ness.

Why do I feel like I just “existed” here, and accomplished little? Why do I feel that I’ve been cheated? Why do I feel like I have failed to capitalize on what this land of zero-opportunity had to offer?

Why do I wish I could have the last 4 years of my life back, when I possibly cannot think of anything better to do with them?


15 Apr
I was searching through my chat archives in order to assist me in completing a tag that BM passed on to me very long ago, when I came across some conversations with an old friend. Conversations that were just so enjoyable to read… so honest, so uninhibited. And how I wish I could make more of them.
But it takes 2 hands to clap. And the clapping can be sustained only for so long once one of the hands is bruised.
It’s difficult to let certain people go, cut them out, force them out, phase them out or be turned away. One thinks that with time, the absence becomes easy. But then, when one comes across an old email, a chat from long ago, a saved SMS (Yes, very 2010…) it seems fresh as yesterday… And the loss seems pointless.
But such is the law of the land, right? A free world, in which each has free will… and the other has no choice but to oblige.
Where’d  you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it’s been forever,
That you’ve been gone,
“Where’d  You Go?”
– Fort Minor

Happy smokin’ 22

20 Mar

So the birthday kicked off with me arriving at the Univ. town at 6 friggin’ 30 a.m. Back in the day when I really needed to reach in time for my 8’o’clock class post a trip, the bus would never deliver me there at a decent hour, but when I could afford to reach in comfort, then they insisted on having us there at the ghastly hour.

Not much time was to be wasted when my hosts, Pankaj and his flatmate, were up. The flat-mate made a quick joint in a bong, made me puff the whole thing, and they dragged me off to college.
Here’s something about vveed. You may have been more or less unaffected by it on several occasions prior to this, but when you do it early in the morning before eating a morsel, it really hits you. Especially if it’s your birthday and you’re going to be expecting a million calls.

The sensation was truly insane and completely unreal! For a while, I could only speak single syllables, all colours were very pronounced… and the strangest of all… everyone I saw, everything I saw, seemed like a flashback in front of my eyes. I may have been looking at someone for the first time, but somehow his face would melt and some face from childhood would take its place. Each car that I saw would cease to be the one it was, and instead, adopt a camouflage of the green Maruti 800 we used to own. Later on, my aunt called to wish me. I don’t know how many years it has been since she called to wish me. She used to call when I was still young, and though I don’t remember a moment of this conversation, I recall how it struck me then that the exchange of pleasantries sounded exactly as it used to, all those years ago.

The high wore out by afternoon. Then I was made to smoke up again.

The rest of the trip was extremely pleasant and memorable! Leaving the town has done me good, since I can absolutely adore it to no end on returning there for a short while.

The icing on the cake was that my male-hag (don’t remember what I call him here) got placed! He’ll probably be moving to Bangalore too, so now I have a prospective flat-mate and my social life is salvaged! Hip hip hurray!

It was brilliant being back there, to the extent that I simply cannot wait to return 🙂

Back to the Basics

15 Mar

Thus, I embark on a bus ride back to my University Town, the place where a significant phase of my life started… and ended. There were memorable moments and miserable ones, and I’m quite at loss over how happy or not I am about heading back, even if for 2 brief days. But how much does it matter really?
Either way, I’m going to have two very memorable days, or the realization of just how happy I am to have started this new phase of my life…

Burning Broken Bridges

18 Jan

Snuff the candle, blow out the fire… but was there a flame to begin with?
Bring down the curtains, empty the stage… but was the show ever staged?

“You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink…”

Was the horse thirsty to begin with? Or maybe it changed its mind? Or got bored along the way…
“Do you really think you know me well enough…”
It’s like looking at myself in the mirror. Except that I can see what’s real. For I know it when I see it.

But at the end of the day, we get what we deserve, don’t we?

“Mind the Threefold Law ye should
Three times bad and three times good…”

Lock the door and throw away the key. Or burn the house down.
The damage wasn’t really done by me.