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Ain’t all hunky-dory in the city?

4 Mar

I’m going through Sex And The City far quicker than is for my own good… It’s so comforting… 4 very hot ladies, hooking up with fairly attractive men one after the other, never settling down, no happy ending.
It’s so comforting when it doesn’t end happily ever after. Just hope that I’m fabulous & single by the time I’m in my mid-30’s (if I’m still alive, that is)…

But no happily ever after. And it’s still television, so it isn’t real life. But it captures the reality of real life in a very artificial way. So. Bloody. Confusing.

No Baggage

31 Jul

All good things must come to an end…

Thankfully, so must the bad…

All that’s left is the fateful step. And then, letting go…

I lie here, inches away from him. In the middle of the night. Hearing his every breath. Wanting to crawl into him, where I found such bliss.
How insensitive, how robotic can one get?
Why did I paint these colorful images in my mind? Was it necessary to come all this way, to have this realization?

Should I talk to him? Should I not? Does he know? Does he care?

Will I ever find another like him, but one who cares?

Dynamic geometric shapes

1 Aug

Did I ever tell you folks about this love-something-like-a-triangle I got into some months ago, here in Bengaluru? No? Well, it went like this.

I met A and B, from the website, on one fine day. Got to know later that A and B were friends since a year, and that A used to like B at some point in time, though I don’t know if it was reciprocated.

Upon interactions with A and B, I sort of fell for A. But B had fallen for me. So there we had it. B liked me, and I liked A, and A had liked B (in the past). But A and B had a falling out, and didn’t talk anymore, so it was awkward but not so much anymore.

Over time, when A would keep telling me about this guy he was into, I’d be mildly troubled but not so much. Soon, I sort of got over him, and the feelings went away.

Recently, when I was spending time at B’s, and a bit of involuntary snooping revealed an online conversation between A and B (soon after I’d met them, before A and B had the fallout) in which it was revealed that A had liked me initially, but since I had mentioned in passing that I was selective about people I ‘did it’ with, A didn’t express his feelings to me ever. Another conversation suggested that B might’ve gotten over me somewhat, though the authenticity of the emotion expressed by B was slightly uncertain.

So now I don’t feel so strongly for A, A used to like me but may or may not anymore and B said to someone else that he got over me, but I’m not so sure about that since he claims otherwise (but might be attempting mind games with me).

Puzzling as it is, all emotions are in control hopefully, and it doesn’t matter so much anymore.

Introspection

13 Apr

The more I look inside, the more I learn about myself… The more I accept myself for who I am… The sicker it drives me.

I deserve to be alone. Why subject anyone to the complexity of my nature? The self-centeredness of my thoughts? What have I to offer save for a lot of unnecessary, imagined drama?

The heart may be good, the intentions may be pure… but the mind is just sick. And it deserves to be alone. It deserves to drive itself up the wall, over the cliff, into the sea.

I am and deserve to be my own enemy. Why harm another innocent uncomplicated mind, so pointlessly?

An interesting turn of Events…

5 Dec

So the French dream ended even before it had started. So what? Everything happens for a reason, right?

After all, it’s not everyday that a fellow gets recruited by the maker of your operating system!
Indeed, in about 8 months, I shall indeed be employee by Cromifost (Yes, you’re going to have to rearrange the letters, a bit 😉 )

And I thought that all I would take away from this college would be an ability to drink (a lot)! Well, even that’s going to come in handy now 😛

The final Final Exam…

26 Nov

is over.

Almost a graduate.

One step closer. To the next phase of my life.

So much uncertainty.

Soon I shall embark on another Journey. It’s terrifying.

I’m not looking forward to it at all. This past one was a good one. I don’t want to move on.

But then, do I have a choice? Why can’t we stagnate a little longer?

Yes indeed, you certainly know…

23 Nov

… when it’s finally time to move on.

Or maybe it’s not. Maybe you’re just having a bad day.

But that’s what’s so fantastically uncertain about the future, n’est ce pas? You don’t really know until you’ve experienced change. And then, there’s no turning back.

We cannot stop time. We can only regret that it passed.
Maybe not.
But then, maybe yes.

Next Stop, Bengaluru

21 Nov

With 3 of my 5 exams over, the semester approaches a close. As of January, I should be moving to Bangalore. Thus begins the entire affair of finding accommodation and planning the next 6 months of my life…

My sister is (annoyingly) assertive over my not staying alone [frankly, I don’t know whether a 1 BHK would be affordable, and how much freedom I would be accorded if I opted for a PG accommodation instead] and insists that I move into an extra bedroom that her boyfriend’s friend has in his new rental. I don’t mind the idea of living in a flat and having my own bedroom, but the thought of sharing it with 1 person I only vaguely know and another who I’ve never met, isn’t appealing.
Since no close friend seems to be moving to Bangalore, and since I’ve picked up an off-campus offer (and thus don’t have anyone else from college joining that company), finding a flatmate would be hard. It wouldn’t have been so if I were taking my Chennai offer instead, but as that is in Chennai, but since I’m not, well…

Meanwhile, a flood of other questions come to mind. What will I be doing with my spare time? I’d initially planned that once I left college, I’d join a gym, try and find a nice theatre group to audition for, look for some decent latin dance classes and, what now takes priority, pick up French classes.
Now I’m beginning to wonder how much free time I’m going to end up having, to meet all my aspirations in 6 months…

Je parle Français

12 Nov

I don’t know why I’ve kept it to myself this long, since the news came one day post that of the internship, but here it is now.

I was accepted into 2 of the 3 courses in France that I was interviewed for, end of last month. A decision on the third will come after an indefinite amount of time.

So I’ve decided to pursue one of the two programs, which I’ve been told is offered by a reputed college. Should I manage to complete all formalities, I should be flying to France towards September end, for at least a year and a half, if not more!
In order to fare better in my scholarship application (which would cover my entire tuition fee of 10k Euros ) I must start brushing up my French. Thus, I have a French book in my bag at all times, and Audio lessons on my iPod. I can proudly say that it’s going quite well; rather, “ce va très bien!”

Naturally, I’m not too excited about it because I’m almost positive that it won’t materialize eventually, but one can enjoy the moment while it lasts, n’est ce pas?

Right then, exams start Monday. A bientĂ´t, mes amies!

Different People

28 Oct

In High School, there were times when she renounced comforts to live in deplorable conditions. Even in those situations, she found reason to cheer. Whatever the adversities she faced, she took them head on, with a smile.

In High School, he always struggled to stay in his comfort zone. He didn’t know what he wanted, and the little inkling he had, he never pursued. He didn’t have the courage, or he simply thought he wouldn’t succeed. He thought injustice was being done unto him. It was, but by himself alone.
He thought that maybe in time and with a change of environment, he’d find more happiness… He did… and he wanted more…

In college, she found avenues, she forged friendships. She worked during the days, sacrificed some evenings, enjoyed the rest. She set targets, she worked towards them. She worked with optimism and dedication. In whatever she accomplished, he found satisfaction.

In college, he cursed that he had chosen the wrong path. He forged friendships that were valuable and he wanted more. When he thought he had enough, he wanted fewer and better friendships. It took him years to return to square one, and then he wanted more. The cycle would begin all over again.
He had the occasional triumph, he thought he could’ve done better. When he succeeded, he trivialized it. Then he would be morose.
He had moments of joy, many moments of joy, but he kept wondering if others were having even more. And he wanted more.
He thought that maybe a change of environment would do him good. He sought to escape, escape from his present and his past. He sought a new beginning when what he had had all along wasn’t so bad at all…

She reached out for every opportunity, she used every resource. She accomplished. She worked, it bore fruit. One day, she opened her inbox and found an acceptance letter. An even brighter future awaited her. She experienced infinite joy. She went out to celebrate. To drink and to make merry.
She wanted to share the moment with those who she considered closest to her. At half past then, when he was about to retire, she asked him to join her.

He was overjoyed for her. It wasn’t how he had planned his evening, and he was about to retire to bed, but he couldn’t say no. He set out to join her, and he entered with a smile and a laugh plastered on his face. He hugged her, danced a bit.
There were many others there; all were singing, drinking, celebrating. Maybe not celebrating any achievements, but simply celebrating life and Today.
He couldn’t find it in himself to enjoy. “Maybe if I had been drinking all evening too. Maybe if I had come sooner. Maybe if… Maybe…” Tomorrow, he’ll set out on another destination unknown. He doesn’t know where it’ll lead him, but he wonders if he’ll find the happiness that he did over here. Even if he does, he’ll yearn to have these days back again. But he won’t make use of the time he has left.
He knows that he has to change his ways, and he tries. He succeeds for a while, but then his inner self takes over. There’s an inner self that is stronger than one’s will-power. Or at least his will-power.

Some people are born winners. They take each victory in stride, and work towards another feat to celebrate. They undoubtedly go far in life, and relish every moment of it that they can.

Some are born losers. They dismiss the smallest of accomplishments and always wonder “What if…” Sheer escapists. They realize the error in their ways, but remain incorrigible nonetheless.
They think that everything that’s wrong in their lives is a small sacrifice for a better future. But the sacrifices keep coming, and the better future never seems to loom. They have ample opportunity to find joy in their lives, but they cannot reach out. They hold the key to happiness but they cannot find the door, even if it’s before their very eyes.