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Crossing Paths

7 Dec

Never thought I’d run into him so randomly. Sure I’ve tried putting myself in his path on occasions, hoping to run into him with no idea of what I’d say when I did, but I never thought it would happen when I was not expecting it. Or maybe I did think that it would happen when I was not expecting it, but then every other day is one of the days, and I didn’t think today would be the day.
At first, I instinctively nodded, smiled and tried to walk on. But since he seemed to want to talk, I paused, and conversed. I wonder if he could see that I was feeling awkward. I wonder if he could sense my uneasiness. Suddenly, the person that I’d spend my best 6 months of this year, was the most difficult to talk to. And why wouldn’t it be, because we weren’t snuggling in his bed and talking, as I’d grown accustomed to. Last I could recall us speaking was 2 months ago, when I had asked him to go for a play with me, he had said that he didn’t want to watch it, then I’d found out that he’d gone and watched it anyway, and he lied to me about it when I tried to discretely question him about it. And then there was the briefest RSVP when I invited him to the wedding, and then nothing.

And here I was, wondering what the hell to talk to him about, while waiting for the queue to walk on. In fact, I started rambling about his travels that had happened so long ago, and those that are to happen months later (and have no consequence at present) but I couldn’t think of anything else to talk about, so I rambled.

Eventually, we did go our own ways. He said “I’ll call you sometime this week”, but I really hope he doesn’t. I just wouldn’t know what to say.

And here I am, shaken enough to actually blog about it, while constantly reminding myself that it’s over and done with, and I’m past it, and I’m just being dramatic.

But my best 6 months of the year…

A tragically small world

8 Oct

Purab is a good friend who I bonded with quite some time ago. I knew that Purab’s been sort of interested in me for quite some time. I was interested in him physically, but no more. That too ended after our first time. But I was pretty clear that he should not develop any feelings for me (even though matters of the heart cannot be controlled with mere instructions). Moreover, I was quite clear about my feelings towards Vikram.

Since then, it seems Purab’s managed to move on. He talks of other guys, other crushes. It also makes spending time with him less awkward, though it never was too awkward to begin with. That’s because he was the one with the feelings, and me, the one abusing them.

About two and a half weeks ago, Purab mentioned some friend at work, and how he’d thought about introducing me to that friend, since we’re apparently very suited to each other, in his opinion. However, this friend has been dating someone else for some time, so he couldn’t. He was showing me that friend’s photographs on FB, and I came across one snap of him with an old flame, which didn’t go beyond phone-dating. This friend of Purab’s, who’s very suited for me, is dating the old flame.

Two Fridays ago, I went on a date with what I literally found to be a breath of fresh air. Gagan did not appear to think differently. We spent almost every minute we could in each others’ company, before I had to rush off to work. That Sunday, I arbitrarily called him and ended up spending the night with him and another friend. Not much happened at night, because he’d recently broken up with someone, and couldn’t stop thinking of him. I literally thought I’d found a new, potentially close friend that I would come to be grateful for. Moreover, he kept mentioning how attractive he found me, and I in return, how attractive I found him.
A week later, I landed up at a party with Gagan and Purab. Both of them were supposed to come back to my place, and Gagan was supposed to bring along a (platonic) friend who’d been staying with him for the last day or so. His friend didn’t show. Instead, Gagan brought home an exotic date, who he suggested he wasn’t interested in too much, but kept making out with all night. No idea what took place in their bedroom later that night. But I doubt the ex was on his mind that much, 6 days after.

Today, Purab told me over chat that he’d been chatting up Gagan, and they’d intended to meet for dinner, and he’d intended to stay over. Shortly after, he told me that he’d seen Vikram the previous night, with (mostly insignificant) person I’d chatted briefly with online, before he did a disappearing act. Mostly asocial Vikram, who claims he never goes out on dates because it unduly raises peoples’ expectations. Maybe it wasn’t a date. I have no way of knowing.

Needless to say, I had to sleep off my depression to depressing piano pieces, followed by a short nap. Thankfully, it worked to an extent. I’m not ardently wishing for a hand-gun anymore. But I wouldn’t mind having one anyway.

Come Undone

5 Sep
Me: I suppose I will have to eventually stop or at least reduce meeting you… Seems like I’ve been testing my resilience, or some would say stupidity, over the last few months…

Him: Hmm not sure what’s on your mind….like I said earlier…check for expectations …with boss and with others

Me: I suppose I misunderstood your expectations early on, and that misunderstanding has faded with time

Him: Call if u’d like to talk…

Me: If I was comfortable talking about it, I would’ve brought it up long ago… I thought age was a barrier, and that misconception was cleared today… So it must be something else?

[He tries calling at this point, but I disconnect]
Me: As I said, not comfortable talking about it… And I thought you also said texting is easier?

[Long silence from his end]
Me: Conversation ends here?

Him: No…but I don’t want to do it on sms…Prefer to talk or better still in person…I care about u and would like u as a friend….

Me: I guess I just care about you as much more than a friend. I suppose I just needed you to know, because you somehow don’t seem to pick up on hints.
But there’s a clear mismatch in expectations, so I guess there’s no point in talking about it. But I guess I needed you to know, so I’m done with that.

Him: Ok.yes I know

A true Romantic

5 Aug

How unfortunate that I cry about my awkward hours is since I cannot go on an evening date…

How shallow of me that I nurture an American dream, only with the hope of finding a mate

How pathetic of me to be willing to renounce that long-nurtured desires, as I lay in his soft embrace

How tragic that I know that I must, but I cannot wait.

No Baggage

31 Jul

All good things must come to an end…

Thankfully, so must the bad…

All that’s left is the fateful step. And then, letting go…

I lie here, inches away from him. In the middle of the night. Hearing his every breath. Wanting to crawl into him, where I found such bliss.
How insensitive, how robotic can one get?
Why did I paint these colorful images in my mind? Was it necessary to come all this way, to have this realization?

Should I talk to him? Should I not? Does he know? Does he care?

Will I ever find another like him, but one who cares?

Someone Like You

11 May

Why is it that the last thought before I fall asleep, and the first when I awake, is being wrapped in your embrace?
How is it that you take away my peace, unless my head on your shoulder lays?
Why is it that the thought of two weeks without you, causes so much pain?
Why do you make me feel at the very beginning, that I’ve lost the race?

Why in your tight embrace, do I feel so secure?
Each time you leave, I’m left feeling so unsure?
Why must I strive to distract from thoughts of you?
How am I to break from your allure?

You are so perfect, in every which way.
You listen, you laugh, bring out the best in me each day.
Make the right noises, without giving  much away.
But how am I to know if you are really here to stay?

Your home is my temple
Your bed is my shrine
Your visits are a blessing
Your presence is sublime

The sound of your voice
The touch, feel, sight of your greys
I bask in your wisdom
I strive for your affection, more attention
But wonder if it’s not only for me?

You fill up my senses
My heart and my mind
Do not leave, let me rest in your
tight, tight embrace
Even when the sun has set
and risen
and set again
Let us just lay

Unconscious Visitor

2 Feb

Tell me, why you followed me… Deep into the night?
Is it because I think of you, every time I’m left aside?
It isn’t really you, but what you could symbolize.
Yet, each time you cross my mind, that fact I fail to recognize.
Why did you follow me, into the night?
Though it was in light of day, underneath the orange sky.
You sat before me, but I pretended…
as you would have, in real life.
Then you noticed and you smiled,
Or was that just a wishful sigh?
Did you rise and walk towards me?
Or sat in place, and waved aside?
Tell me why you followed me
Into my dreams, into the night
Undesired, uninvited
Till came along the morning light?