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Letter to Hagatha

21 Sep

You know, you’re a much much better, more loyal friend to me than I am to you. If tomorrow, we were to part ways or land up far away from each other, out of touch, your life wouldn’t be so affected but mine would be nearly ransacked.
Standing at this end of our 4 years at college, I can see that you’re the most treasured thing that I took away from that period of time, the most valuable.
The amount that I undervalue you is testimony to how absolutely ruined a human being I am on the inside. You’re the only person who has unfailingly stood by my side, and only ever had words of encouragement for me. I, on the other hand, have been outrageously cruel. You’ve cut me so much slack, given me so much room, and I gave you little.

In the past few months, I have kept several details of my life from you, purely out of spite, that I would’ve wanted to share with you. Because I felt, or maybe knew, that you weren’t sharing similar details from your life with me. Because I felt that suddenly your loyalties had shifted away.
I now realize that keeping all those things from you made little difference to your life, and a lot to mine. I don’t share my life with you because you want to know, but purely because I NEED to share it with YOU.
I don’t know where all this is coming from all of a sudden. It’s not a “moment” that I’m having, because these are all plain and simple facts. But I do hope, and knowing myself, I can only hope that I’m saying all of this with sincerety.
You’re my support-system. A support-system to a very rickety excuse for a person, because of which, often, it is entirely because of you that I get by.
Love you with all the heart that I have…
(No, this is not this year’s birthday present. And yes, please don’t reply. And I would be uncomfortable knowing that he read this. And no, I’m not writing this because I’m going to kill myself… not tonight.)

Driving me up the wall…

2 May

So relations with Hagatha are at quite a low… Frankly I’m losing patience…

For one thing, the girl tells me nothing about her own personal life, and on top of that, believes that she has full authority on the details of mine. Which is clearly not happening.

So having cut her out (discreetly) from one aspect of my life, I’m wondering if I’ll be able to take her at all…

The problem is that the girl is becoming blonde-r by the minute. It doesn’t help that her new boyfriend, a close friend of mine too, has no sense of logic whatsoever. It truly is rubbing onto her. Apart from that, she has this annoying habit of blatantly answering to any annoyed remarks that I might make with blatant defensive lies without giving it a moment of thought…

For instance,

Me: Give me my keys please
H: (Looks around in her bag, unsuccessfully) I already gave it to you…
Me: No, you didn’t!
H: (Keeps looking) Yes, I did!
H: I don’t remember… I don’t have it… I must’ve given it to you…
H: (Consequently finds it) Oh sorry, I didn’t…

How CAN one lie through one’s teeth with so much conviction and be absolutely oblivious that she’s talking nonsense?

A few weeks ago, I came back from the gym and found that the geyser had been left on long enough for the fuse to cut off (restoring which isn’t my favourite hobby, and hence I prefer to turn the geyser off after the required running time of 10-15 mins) So when I limp out of my bath, because the boiling hot water has scathed the undersides of my feet, I ask her in a near-defeated voice..

Me: How long ago did you turn the geyser on???
H: (Absolutely without thinking or flinching) I just turned it on 10 minutes ago…
Me: Are you serious?
H: (The idiotic “Ohhh, it’s striking me now” expression) No, no, no… it’s been longer than that…

2 nights ago, I was murmuring that someone who I simply don’t recall, had added me on Facebook, and I didn’t want to add him without placing him… He’d used some gibberish expression for his screen-name, but had a clear picture on display…

Me: Gah, I don’t remember him at all…
H: So just send him a message and ask him…
Me: He’s obviously from college… and we have some common friends too… I don’t like asking people I’m supposed to be knowing who they are…
H: So what? He’s even using some gibberish characters for his screen-name
Me: But his photograph is damn clear…
H: So it’s not necessary that you can see it…
Me: Because I’m visually impaired???
H: No… maybe it isn’t visible to you…
Me: But it’s right there…  Obviously it’s visible to me!
H: It’s not necessary! There could be some permissions or something…
Me: He would be knowing what permissions he’s set…
H: It’s not necessary…
Me: WHAT are you saying?
H: What? It’s possible…
Me: Are you even thinking before talking?
H: It’s possible!
Me: PLEASE stop talking NOW!

And the last incident in this seriously bitchy post, that I simply need to get out of my system before I e-x-p-l-o-d-e…

So yesterday, when they were moving out, she came up to me and told me she was throwing some laundry for washing. Needless to say, I was surprised to see her carrying my towel in the pile…

Me: Were you using that towel?
H: Ya…
Me: That it was the only towel in my bathroom did not convey to you that I might’ve been using it?
H: But it was the only one…
Me: Why couldn’t you just take out a fresh one?
H: I don’t know where they’re kept.
Me: Seriously?!
H: No!
Me: Seriously?!
H: I don’t!
Mag: On top of the cupboard…
H: (The idiotic “Ohhh, it’s striking me now” expression) Ohhhh, of course!

The girl has visited over several weeks, each time I have taken out a fresh towel and handed it to her from the shelf on top of my cupboard where I keep all my linen (the only storage space in my entire room apart from my cupboard… a gorilla could’ve found it without ever having known before)

And then 2 days later, she sends me sentimental messages about how I keep losing my patience with her and she has no inkling whatsoever of why I do that… And when I ask her to identify a common pattern that she may observe if she attempts to trace every incident in which I snapped at her, she still says “I have no idea”…

If there’s anything that I lack in character, it’s
1. patience
2. tolerance of extreme stupidity


Long weekend, in more ways than one

2 Mar

Yes, I knew it was going to be a long weekend… For one, I had taken a day off from work. After all, Tanuja (Hag No. 2) was coming in from Singapore, and we had Monday off for Holi (yay!) so it was amounting to four days off consecutively, which I wouldn’t really frown upon after spending 12 days in office non-stop. But I never imagined that the week would be as long as it turned out to be!

1. Pop called on Friday and discreetly gave me a heads up that Maa was coming in to town the next day to give us a surprise, and asked if there was anything he wanted sent through her. That peeved me a bit, because I had specifically told her NOT to come on this weekend since Tanuja was coming in too, and instead on a different weekend so that I’d have time to spend with her. Which I told him in so many words.
A few hours later, sister called and informed me that it was Dad was coming in, actually, and only for 3 days. He’d be coming in 1 day after Tanuja and leaving almost at the same time. So suddenly, my 4 day break seemed even lesser now!

2. I was at HardRockCafe in Bangalore the other night, and extremely bored owing to the number of people I didn’t know over there, so I moved base outdoors, and over a casual SMS conversation, came out to Alika, the homophobic hag. In fact, Hagatha and I came out to her together. Over SMS, of course 😛
She initially thought I was joking. In fact, for a very long time, she thought so. Post that, she was mostly silent, and we’ve practically not spoken since. I cannot imagine what’s going on in her head, because she hasn’t shared any of it with me, but I’ve heard nothing from her since. An extremely long silence… No word of support, reassurance or anything at all… and frankly, I’m not even bothered to find out why.
I didn’t think she was deserving of knowing, but Hagatha and Magatha (the Male Hag, Hagatha’s boyfriend and my best friend [I think I can safely call him]) pushed me into telling her, saying I owed it to her. Well, I certainly disagree presently.
And Alika being herself, I wonder how many people, and who all, know by now…

3. Last night, I was at the sister’s, with dad and sister’s friends. Two of them very shyly stepped out for a smoke, and Dad decided to join them. And so did I. And much to my sister’s discomfort, my father and I shared a cigarette, while my dad told us the history of the emergence of ciggs. The friends are in total awe.

4. After the drinking/smoking binge with sister, friends and pop, we went to dinner at a nearby Punjabi restaurant. The restrooms there were distinguished by plates that read “Kings” and “Queens”, and I was literally uncertain for a moment. Very misleading. What’s wrong with the conventional and unambiguous “Men” and “Women”?

5. I dropped in at the Bangalore Queer Film Festival on 2 occasions, once to watch a few films before I joined the lot at HRC, and another, for a discussion on 377 on another day (a few hours before Dad got in). The former, India’s premier of “A Single Man” was very enjoyable, while the latter unfortunately wasn’t. A few very long speeches, very few questions entertained and practically negligible responses offered all owing to shortage of time (caused due to the long speeches) Oh well, another time then!
And as always, whilst at the festival, I sat in a corner like a touch-me-not, giving bad vibes without intending to, and feeling very awkward and asocial. I’m not going to blend into the Bangalore crowd anytime soon, evidently!

A long time has passed since. Tanuja has boarded her flight, and pop will return tomorrow. I return to office after 4 days away. Life is going back to normal at a pace never imagined before.

And my Google Reader is bursting in the seams.

At this time tomorrow…

24 May

I’ll commence my journey home

I’ll be a final year Engg. student

I’ll be very, very nostalgic

I’ll be anticipating, more than I am right now, what lies ahead

I’ll be regretting leaving behind the rains

I’ll be regretting leaving behind my friends

I’ll be looking forward to some more time with Tanuja, but for the last time in probably a long, long while…

I’ll be resenting having to brave the Delhi heat

Booze Clues – One Fine Evening

11 Apr

I’m either really really tipsy, or very slightly drunk.

Either way, I walked back to my room singing songs by the Beatles and Queen in a voice so hoarse and off-key that people had to beg. That was after one or two of my performances were appreciated 😛

So drinking happened really randomly tonight. I have tests in less than a week, and a lot to study. But I studied a marvellous amount today anyway. That too, after spending many hours in a video-shoot for a really short film/ad. for an acquaintance who studies in the neighbouring Communications college. I love acting! Especially on camera!
I’ve acted in one short film before, which was a tiring experience because the film was 15 mins long, and took a week and a half to shoot. This one took all day, and is 3 mins long. Then again, it has no dialogues! But wheee it was fun! The best part was that I got to change clothes several times. They asked me to carry 5 changes. I carried 8. Queer, I know.
The entire crew comprised of 4 ugly girls, and 2 guys, one moderate looking except that he had a small mole on his nose that resembled a nose ring. It totally put me off. Otherwise, he was cute and surely gay. But I didn’t flirt.
And they were all south Indian and kept on talking in Tamil or Telugu or Malayali which was very annoying and unsophisticated! They’re journo students for crying out loud! 

However, in the apartment I was shooting in, there was this really cute visitor who I did try flirting with, but the recording sort of kept me busy.

Speaking of flirting, there’s this dude in my college who’s bloody cute, and years ago, even when I only vaguely knew him, he would wink at me when I greeted him on the road, which was kinda strange. I know him a bit better now, and he’s friendly and affectionate (towards everyone, not just me). He was at the bar tonight, quite drunk. I rapidly got as high as I could, and then got up and danced next to him for an entire track. No, it’s not odd to dance next to a dude here. More like brotherhood, or man-to-man drunken enjoyment. Of course, when I had my hand on his shoulder (and his on mine), it served a totally different purpose for me.
Oh he’s so cute! And might be gay. Why won’t he ask me out! Wish I met him more often 😦 And made out with him more often… Okay, wishful thinking!

Hmm… what more to say, in the state that I’m in?


Ohhh yes! So Hagatha and a friend and I were sitting at the library. Friend doesn’t use T9 to SMS on his cellphone so Hagatha and I were speaking of its benefits. Then we started talking of the funny words that we’d ended up saving in our dictionaries. I started reading out mine. Soon enough, Hagatha was amused and started reading into my phone over my shoulder…

Hagatha : Pissed… Slut… slut… sooo ….. Psalm… Huh? Why in the world would you use the word “Psalm” in a sentence?

Me : Errr… shit, we should be studying. We’re wasting too much time!

Booze Clues : Compliments of the olfactory kind…

29 Mar

So I spent the night gearing up for Hag 2’s return to town (a few weeks from now) by drinking at the haunt. It was me, another friend and Hagatha.

Now this “other friend” is kinda flirting with this guy at work. Except that she’s hardly flirting, because she’s too shy to actually flirt. So I took her phone and was flirting on her behalf. She was extremely embarrassed with some of the messages I sent him, but boy was it fun. And it came so naturally to me! Heehee!

Meanwhile, Hagatha got quite high on negligible amount of alcohol, was dopey and annoying. She was conscious of that and was trying not to annoy, but failed. I don’t think I’m going to let her drink so much again. And we made plans of going there alone occasionally, which are certainly not happening!

I’d be bloody annoyed with her if she wasn’t so loyal, dedicated and such an awesome friend. I feel guilty if I’m pissed in spite of all of that!


Meanwhile, I met Alika on my way back to the hostel. She clung me tight, almost forcing me to exhale, and then commented that she loved the umm… fragrange that I emnated. That I had always smelled of it since Std. 7! I asked her twice, to ensure that it wasn’t a bad smell, and she said it wasn’t… it was so… “Unsung”. Somehow, very reassuring. She later confirmed it through SMS as well, saying “You smell of Unsung”. I responded with “Yayie, I hope it’s a nice smell” to which she reassured “Very very very :)”

Right, so that’s quite a compliment. I’m smelling myself now, and boy does it smell good.

Meanwhile, I had asked her then if I smelled as good as my Roomie (her BF) since he submerged himself in deodorant and perfume each time he left the room. Which has always made me feel very very conscious, by the way.
He confessed that he had to do it because he apparently sweats a little bit in excess, and needs to cancel out the odour!
Not that I feel happy that he needs to use “Deo, Perfume and Talcum simply to not smell” but I don’t feel conscious for not drowning myself in perfume spray, and not having to. Yay!

While I was standing with Alika, my phone rang on receipt of a message. This is the first time in months that I’ve taken my phone off silent. It was a message from Jay!
“You’ve got a message,” notioned Alika. “I know sweets,” I responded, quickly pushing it into my pocket. “I want to see your message” she insisted. I smiled, tried to brush her away, but she persisted. I slipped the phone out of my pocket, quickly opened Jay’s message to remove it from the Unread list, and locked the keypad again. “Hey! Can’t I read your messages? Who’s messaging you?” she inquired, quite quite tipsy. I stammered, “You can read my messages! They’d just bore you… Oh, did I mention that I was flirting on behalf of XYZ witht his guy she’s after, using her phone?” Then the conversation shifted on how I probably enjoy flirting with guys.

Geez, I keep getting myself into it, and then I wonder how I landed there.  But friends will be friends. I don’t mind 🙂

I don’t wanna rock, DJ

22 Mar

So I was all decked up, after ditching Hagatha a bit too rudely in our post-dinner chat, on a sudden invitation from some classmates to go to a club that I’ve been yearning to go to. Since an evening there costs a tidy sum, my friends usually aren’t willing to go, so I leaped at this opportunity.

Hagatha was a bit offended at being left out, but I couldn’t extend this invitation to her because, for one, I was travelling in another’s car, and two, I knew we wouldn’t make it back for her curfew hour.

Some moments before we were supposed to leave, I spoke at home and the horrid news I’d been receiving over the past few days became worse. It brought my spirits down and I decided to pull out, but one friend insisted a lot and talked me back into it.
So I went. The place was fabulous. The people were absolutely glamorous and truly elite! But the entire evening with them was so dull, I didn’t blame myself for appearing so bored.
They thought, all throughout, that I was upset, while infact, I was plain bored with them!
By the end of the evening, I was out of a ton of money with no experience worth cherishing and a reasonable amount of guilt at having allowed myself to go clubbing while the rest of the family was in turmoil.

I have a terrible weakness… My extreme inability to abstain from temptation of milling with crowds that may seem even marginally elitist, and not realising that even if they do show meagre concern, they cannot match up to the sanctity of soltitude. Company of real friends is, of course, the next best thing, but that too has become a rarity in the last few months.
I wish I had more than one Hagathas, but for the moment, I must remind myself how lucky I am to have even one. With a little over 6 months left in this town, I’ll have to treasure every moment with her, and work towards ensuring that she considers her loyalty towards me, worthwhile.

Twenty One

19 Mar

So the exams came and went, and so did the birthday.

On my birthday/exam-eve (same day!) I didn’t have a birthday cake and was only moderately beaten up etc., because our tests were to start the next day, and most people were distracted. But Hagatha couldn’t let it go unmemorable. 21 after all! Unable to physically be by my side, she spent 3 weeks putting together 21 presents for the occasion.

I won’t bother listing all 21. Some were filler presents (how much can one collect) but most were meaningful! This included a cloth to keep my Tarot cards in, because I’d mentioned in passing that mine were kept in a wooden box, when they actually should be protected with a silk cloth. She got me satin, unable to find silk.
Another was this beautiful pen-stand that was customized by her. She had 4 pictures of our friend circle printed and very artfully stuck it on the 4 sides of the stand. The final result looks fabulous. Then there was some potpourri and a candle, because I’m perpetually talking about how elegant a present they would make, and some ornamental bamboos that I’d mentioned 2 years ago, brought good luck and how I’d have loved to have some (even though I never bought any).
Then there was a small pedicure set so that I could maintain what she calls the most beautiful feet she’s seen in her lifetime (mine) and a “Pisces” mug. A Smiley key-chain and badge that I plan to use, and a metallic nail-shaped pendant on a black thread because she knows I love black threads across my neck. And an arm-band for my gym workouts.
The last one I was supposed to open was a Tie-pin to match the cuff-links she’d bought me earlier this semester as what now turns out to be a pre-birthday present.
What I liked most, I suppose, was this small notepad in which she’s scribbled 21 things that she loves about me. Even though I knew she struggle to word out 21 (which she confessed to later), she left me grasping myself. I was so flattered.

Today, another surprise was in order. My ex-roomie asked me if my birthday had passed a few days ago. I said that it had, and not that I was surprised that I didn’t wish me, but I was rather taken aback by the fact that he didn’t come to know since his room-mate (Pankaj) came and wished me, and so many of our common friends. He claimed that he’d make up for it… with, say, a birthday present. I told him I couldn’t expect that from him for many years to come, but could hope that he’d at least be aware of the day that I turned a year older!

This evening, another friend asked me for my room-mate’s phone number. I could not for my life figure out why she wanted it since they have no possible path of intersection whatsoever. Nonetheless, I asked her why she wanted it, but eventually gave it to her.

I was walking back to my hostel when I sent Jay a message. He called back and a 2-hour-long phone conversation (rather enjoyable) ensued. I stepped into my room for a short bit to give my laundry to the laundry guy, and stepped back out to privacy, without as much as looking around my room. Next, I saw my roomie’s friend entering my room. As he passed me, he said something about “fish” in my room. I entered, and this time, noticed a gigantic fish bowl on my table! There was a ribbon and a note on it, marking it as a present from Pankaj, ex-roomie, a third friend, and yet another, who was behind it all!

So now I’m the proud owner of 2 fish! They’re silver right now, and were apparently red with spots when they were purchased. Once I figure out what sexes they’re of, respectively, I’ll name them. I want one Persian name and one Christian. Suggestions are most welcome.

Anyway, a birthday extravaganza must be organised soon. I need booze, music and food. And it’s all on my shoulders, with limited venue options. I’m considering an overnight siesta with friends on a seaside resort! It could cross my budget, but that means I’ll have to seek more finances from home!

Oh well, let’s see how things work out…

Speculation on Sexuality

10 Feb

So Hagatha spent over an hour catching up with my ex-roomie (a common friend from ever since) yesterday. In conversation…

Ex-Roomie : I don’t think Unsung is gay. I think he is straight. Definitely not gay.

Hagatha (amused) : Mmhmm?

Ex-Roomie : When I initially met him, I thought he was gay. But… I don’t know. He doesn’t seem gay. Maybe he’s Bi.

Hagatha : …..

Ex-Roomie : He’s too desperate to be gay.

Hagatha : !!!! ????

Later, in conversation with me…

Hagatha : And he said, you’re too desperate to be gay.

Me : Huh, WHAT?? Where the hell did that come from?

Hagatha : I have no idea! Though I’m really surprised he hasn’t figured it out. He’s known you for so long!

Me : Excuse me but… Desperate??

Hagatha : *shrugs*


I am not desperate!
Gay people usually are as desperate as straight people.

My ex-roomie is nuts!

The Needy Hag

8 Feb

I was gearing up to fall asleep last night, after a long day, when Hagatha started off again on another late night tirade of SMSes. The second argument, mind you, that she decided to pick yesterday.

She: “Even after all this time you’re still so sweet and loving towards Alika and nothin like that with me,even though i very well know that i’m a better friend! Man, i’m flummoxed. I do notice the marked difference, you know.

So it’s my fault that Alika comes up to me and hugs me at the library! I’m the one to blame, is it? I should stop her from doing something she’s been doing for over 5 years?

She: “You freeze up with me[when I do it]. Don’t know why. Don’t think I don’t notice.

I’ll tell you why I “freeze up”.
1. I first got 2 know you as a conservative South Indian
2. You had feelings for me for years.
3. Your family, friends acquaintances, all conservative south indians, are perpetually surrounding us. And they all think we’re in a deeply committed relationship. I know you don’t care. I do!
I’m not uncomfortable at all with you touching me. Nor when (another good friend) Charu does. I just don’t respond. To either of you. What Alika and I share dates back centuries. She initiated it back then, I was uncomfortable for ages. Got used to it over years. In your case, I will not be able to get used to it knowing that you’re waiting and watching and analysing and exploring and expecting and demanding. No, at least not in the next 1 year, like it or not. Don’t blame me, for your being so immature and complex. If you expect me to respond like a clockwork puppet that caters to these wants and needs, i suggest you go your own way and I go mine. Because I’m starting to get really really grossed out.

She: “But even when i express affection, you don’t respond, you know? Never show that it even makes a difference. Almost like you were putting up with it.

Newsflash! I’m not exactly having to “put up” with your affectionate gestures, but I’m definitely having to put up with all the harassment of late night confrontations. Issues that exist only in your head, and you refuse to resolve after having discussed them with me so many times, are your problem, not mine.

She: “Will you atleast try to relax around me? Perhaps be not taut if i so much as lean against you? Please do try, it’d mean a lot to me. I’m not going to change the way i behave, hoping that perhaps, you’ll miraculously relax. Will you atleast try?

I know it matters to you. But this isn’t something I can buy you or make you. It’s a comfort level that needs to be achieved naturally, which, thanks to this, it won’t be. If it wasn’t coming naturally, it would be put on, which I don’t want to do.

Maybe if you really want it so much, then we can change our equation to what exists between Alika and me. Limited contact, no uncomfortable issues or discussions like these. Then I can assure results in a few weeks. Would you like that? Alternatively, you could put a gun to my head and demand that I hug you.


These excerpts cannot give even a vague idea of what all I have to endure. Moments such as these make me realise that I don’t have the 100% flawless friend as I sometimes am lead to believe.
Moreover, I hate these midnight retrospections she insists on having that she’d never have in her full senses, during the day.

Aaargh, she can make me seethe sometimes. Our constitution definitely needs to include some measures to safeguard men from emotional assaults by women. Particularly those occurring after 11p.m.

Yes ladies, you may now proceed with your Unsung-bashing.