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When push comes to shove…

28 Sep

… I turn to you, dear blog.

Its not a nice thing to do. Its the kind of devotion exhibited by people who only offer prayers when they want something.
Which makes me a horrid devout, but you my god. And its true. I turn to you, not when I need something but when I’m upset. Or rather, when I need to be heard by someone who will listen without judgment. To whom I am all that matters.

The US seems very little different from India. Which means that the problem is not with society but with me. To quote, I may be sociable and other polite things but at the end of the day, I am outspoken and opinionated. And I don’t know how to be diplomatic about it. Which is what I hear from people I’ve barely spoken to. I guess word travels around.

And then I feel the need to be the complete complete contrast. Quiet and reserved.

This is how I explain myself… I am a free spirit. I fly free, until you cut my wings, and then I cannot fly.
Am I being needy and dramatic? Or is it innate? I do not know. I cannot know. There is no middle path (or I haven’t found one till date). Everything works in cycles. My history repeats itself, and I learn nothing. It’s never any different.

I know the problem. I’m self-aware. It works against how I’m programmed on the inside.
But what and where is the key?


Gossip Queens

18 Jan

Someone who’s visiting the city recently pinged me on the “Networking website”. I responded, and introduced myself. He asked me whether my last name was A, B or C. (Yes, there are apparently 3 people with my first name in this city.) When I confirmed which it was, he responded saying he was glad he’d asked me that, because he’d been warned about my “mental and personal hygiene”,  and signed off.

This is the third instance that I’ve gotten the idea that I’m being gossiped about. What I cannot imagine for my life is why. My flatmate (the gay one) has warned me time and again to not be as talkative and naive when interacting with the “community” in this city, and that it’s the bitchiest of all, in the country. I didn’t believe it, since I always thought I surrounded myself with people of reasonable character and intellect. Clearly I was wrong.
Some weeks ago, an acquaintance, who is a friend of my flatmate’s (which I can’t imagine why, since my flatmate keeps lamenting how much he badmouths just about anyone he knows), was telling him that he heard from everyone that I had bad breath! He was telling my flatmate! What was he thinking? That my flatmate wouldn’t tell me that he’d said that? And the flatmate was given yet another opportunity to turn around and say, “I told you so”.
A week after the flatmate told me, I’m at a party and I come across Queen Bitch. I give him a polite nod, and he stops to make conversation. I make an excuse and move on, since I have no desire to engage in idle chatter with him. Some minutes later, someone stops me to introduce me to him, at which point I have to interrupt “Oh, we’ve met” and move away. Some more minutes later, I’m standing and talking to a few folks, I turn right and Queen Bitch presents himself there as well. How two faced can the guy get???
It’s of little surprise that another friend from long ago (that Queen Bitch and I have in common), who used to call on the phone often, and make an effort to stay in touch, is now barely cordial when we meet (and put me on a very, VERY limited list on Facebook. I outright removed him).

This is the third incident I hear of being spoken about. The first occurred sometime last year, when a friend suggested I keep a low profile, since he’d observed smirking at the mention of my name. I think I wrote this piece about it, but it could’ve been something family-related instead.

I really can’t imagine how I’ve landed myself in these circumstances. I don’t even know what people out there are saying about me, and who all particularly are doing so. Or if I even know all of them. Or how many of them will avoid me on the basis of what they’ve heard about me.

I need to stop being such an innocent, vulnerable lamb. But to begin with, I think I’ll have to change cities and pretty much start over. Which is difficult since I dislike Delhi, and I’ve ruined Bangalore for myself.

I walk in Pride

1 Dec

This past Sunday, I finally managed to walk my first pride. In fact, this time round I ensured that there was nothing else on my schedule for the big day, unlike last year (although I admit I was relieved to have an excuse not to attend a year ago). I even managed to attend one or two pre-pride events, although not as many as I would’ve wanted, had my work-schedule and other obligations permitted.

The walk was amazing. The energy of the crowd was absolutely fabulous. The numbers were very inspiring, and the number of faces in the crowd were fantastic… all unmasked. I started out with covering my face with shades and a scarf, although those who know me well were able to identify me with little effort. A little after, a friend graciously gave me his mask. A little after that, I got tired of wearing it, and did most of the walk without any mask, just with shades on (which wasn’t intended to be and hence isn’t, the best disguise). It helped that there seemed to be very little media coverage, only a lot of arbitrary people taking photographs and that, I’ve come to realize, can’t be dangerous unless I plan to be a closeted celebrity or a politician someday. (Which I don’t!)

After the march came to an end, a long 2 grueling hours, I had the opportunity to spend some time connecting with a bisexual lady friend, who I absolutely admire and adore to bits even though I see her once in months. She shared some other very revealing and interesting aspects of her life that I hadn’t known before, challenging even my morals, and then we made out later that evening, for fun. The very first time that I made out with something that had breasts on it!

The rest of the after-party was absolutely amazing as well. There was this one guy who I’d interacted with online some years ago, until he decided to, one fine day, pretend that he didn’t know me at all. I’d pretty much avoided him until the day before the pride, when he took it upon himself to hit on me at a pre-pride event. I decided to give into temptation, and allow him to come on to me at the party. So I, yet again, enjoyed random making-out on a dance-floor. I just hope he doesn’t tell his boyfriend, who’s been trying to get into my pants since the day I met him, over a year ago!

I can’t believe I’ve wanted to avoid the parades before this. Then again, I’m sure I wouldn’t have had all this fun if I didn’t know as many people as I did, and that too, some so dearly.

“I’m gay.” “Is that chocolate?”

4 Nov

So these 2 friends were visiting from the college town, and staying as house guests this past weekend.

Incidentally, on this weekend there happened to be a gay Halloween party one really wanted to attend.

So one was hosting 2 very homo-friendly girlfriends (who one is not out to) on a weekend when there was supposed to be a promising homo-party. What does one do?

One asks one of them if they’d be interested to come along, gets an answer in the affirmative, asks her not to tell the other so that it can be left for a surprise (one’s sexuality, and the nature of the party). One wonders why the first hardly reacted to one’s admission, but attributes it to the impossibility of gauging expressions on text-chat.

One cannot wait for the moment to arrive when he, and 2 girls, one of whom he hasn’t come out to, walk into a gay party. One cannot wait to look at her expression, of shock, of delight… that he is gay (for she is so fond of Will&Grace) and that she is at a gay party.
Ironically, both of them drop out, and opt to roam the streets, while one attends the party (with another friend he has known a long time but never met) and Hagatha (who has only been too keen to attend a gay party since forever).
But before leaving, one asks one of the girlfriends to tell the other what kind of party one is going to.

And the other simply does not react.

How is it that EVERYONE one come out to varied in response from significantly surprised to outright shocked, but these two don’t as much as shrug???

You know you’re gay when…

14 Jul

You read “Dhoni topples Sachin” as “Dhoni, topless Sachin” (Though Sachin Tendulkar topless? Eww!)

You interpret “Sonam does some PR” as Sonam Kapoor having logged on to Planet Romeo.

I did too!

7 Jul

Stole this from Rani’s blog…

1. Graduated high school. (and college too!)
2. Kissed someone.
3. Smoked a cigarette. (too many 😦 )
4. Got so drunk you passed out. (not often enough 😦 )
5. Rode every ride at an amusement park.
6. Collected something stupid.
7. Gone to a rock concert.
8. Helped someone.
9. Gone fishing.
10. Watched four movies in one night.
11. Lied to someone. Almost like a profession :-S
12. Snorted cocaine.
13. Smoked weed.
14. Failed a subject. (Errr… not that I remember :-S But I did JUST pass my chemistry pre-board :-P)
15. Been in a car accident.
16. Been in a tornado.
17. Watched someone die.
18. Been to a funeral.
19. Burned yourself. (Not intentionally)
20. Run a marathon.
21. Cried yourself to sleep.
22. Spent over 10,000 bucks in one day. (Not on casual shopping, no… Mobile phone, yes.)
23. Flown on an aeroplane. (Not even a paper-one, too well)
24. Cheated on someone.
25. Been cheated on.
26. Written a 10 page letter.
27. Gone skiing.
28. Been sailing.
29. Cut yourself. (Not intentionally… yet!)
30. Had a best friend.
31. Lost someone you loved. (Only family, I should think.)
32. Got into trouble for something you didn’t do.
33. Stolen a book from the library
34. Gone to a different country.
35. Watched the Harry Potter movies.
36. Had an online diary.
37. Fired a gun.
38. Gambled in a casino.
39. Been in a school play.
40. Been fired from a job.
41. Taken a lie detector test.
42. Swam with dolphins.
43. Voted for someone on a reality TV show.
44. Written poetry.
45. Read more than 20 books a year.
46. Gone to Europe.
47. Loved someone you shouldn’t have.
48. Used a colouring book over age 12.
49. Had a surgery.
50. Had stitches. (In my bloody mouth!)
51. Taken a Taxi.
52. Had more than 5 IM conversations going on at once.
53. Been in a fist fight.
54. Suffered any form of abuse. (Verbal??)
55. Had a pet.
56. Petted a wild animal.
57. Had your own credit card & bought something with it.
58. Dyed your hair.
59. Got a tattoo. (Need to! SOON!)
60. Had something pierced. (Need to! SOON!)
61. Got straight A’s. Woo hoo! In my LAST semester in college 🙂
62. Known someone personally with HIV or AIDS.
63. Taken pictures with a webcam.
64. Lost something expensive.
65. Gone to sleep with music on.

Anyone up for this one?

When there’s nothing left to look forward to…

18 May

So remember how annoyed I used to be when I had to sit around at work with nothing to do?
On Monday, I got some decent, interesting work… just when I can REALLY do with zero-workload, in order to prepare a goddamn report that I have to submit!

So the presentation at college is on Monday. The report should be ready by tomorrow. It’s half done, and the most important parts remain. I still have tons of work left, that I have to complete before I head off to college for 4 whole days.
I also have to make a 20-minute presentation somewhere in between, to be presented Monday afternoon. And I know for a fact that I’m not going to bother working on it till Monday morning, and will end up spending Friday-Sunday worrying about it and not enjoying myself. SCREW ME!

What does NOT help is that since the dear flat-mate’s unwelcome brother has been cooking nineteen-to-a-dozen since he came, the gas has run out. And since the flat-mate had neither contributed to its purchase then, and doesn’t intend to do so now either, and I’m leaving in a month or so, it makes no sense to get a new cylinder. So no more cooking!
And I haven’t even a month to renew my gym membership.
And the college-friend who I used to occasionally dine with, and more often regrettably turn down (because of gym and cooking) has left town for good, so no dinner buddy.

Talk about everything going wrong ALL AT ONCE!