Sadke

1 Jan

Before my sleep broke for the last time this morning, I had a very moving dream, one in which I could truly not distinguish from reality.

In my dream, I was sitting in my old house, in the study with my grandfather before me. Somehow, I was congnizant of the fact that he was about to pass, and sitting there before him listening him to talk of his days, I wanted to keep sitting instead of politely listen and subsequently sneak away upstairs to the solitude I loved so much.

As I sat there, I was aware of the fact that those were his last days. Five minutes later, he had moved to his bed, to rest a while, and I stood around, filled with fear that he wouldn’t rise again. I was almost outside his bedroom, and I could see him taking very deep, uncomfortable breaths. And I was torn between wanting to stay there, with him through his last moments, or run away and not have to witness one of the most painful events of my history. I was conscious of the fact that should I happen to preempt anything that happened then, it would change the last 4 years, some for good (possibly my cousin’s subsequent passing) and some for bad (none come to mind, but who wants to risk waking up one morning and knowing a part of their history’s been rewritten overnight?)

Eventually, I decided to somehow try and preempt the incident. I ran beside him, asking him loudly if he was okay, and he wanted something. He asked for some water, which I ran to get. By the time I returned, I recall him clambered on a wall, and as I brought the glass of water to his lips, he babbled like a child. I screamed for my mother, and that’s when I woke up.

Ironically enough, none of what I had seen in the dream was actually true. My grandfather had passed away most unexpectedly, in the midst of his morning walk one day after my birthday, when my parents were travelling between my college town and my sisters, and both my sister and I were away to college. Only a day before, he had called me to wish me a happy birthday and tell me that he’d transferred some money to my account (which turned out to be unusually large). After his passing, people would say he died a saint’s death, at the time that he had wanted to… having sent away everyone around him, in the middle of his walk, all by himself. At the same time, he had left quite a few things undone.

All said and done, this dream gave me, if nothing else, a few very precious moments with him, prior to the chaos, when we both sat in our old house, he on his standard chair. Except instead of reading as he always did, or watching television, he was playing with plasticine, which in hindsight makes no sense, but in the dream, I had interpreted to be some hobby of his generation of folks.
His voice was clear as crystal, as melodious as it always sounded to all of us who loved him, and that moment… brief as it was… was so valuable.

I was afraid that in these last nearly 4 years, memories of him would fade, and he would become less significant in my daily life, which is true. However, this dream reinvoked his memory and reminded me of just how broken I was… we all were… when he passed away so suddenly; and of how fiercely I loved him, and always will.

5 Responses to “Sadke”

  1. H January 1, 2011 at 12:08 pm #

    I can imagine that feeling.
    And almost everyday I am afraid that I might lose someone and I cannot even begin to fathom what that would do to me.
    Someone very close to me lost a parent and seeing her going through pain is just excruciating. And I can’t even begin to understand how she feels.

    • unsungpsalm January 16, 2011 at 11:51 pm #

      Losing a parent is the worst thing ever… Especially after having had him/her around for so long…

  2. D January 2, 2011 at 1:00 pm #

    Love, but let go. For his sake, if not yours.

  3. Pesto Sauce February 6, 2011 at 3:08 pm #

    I lost my father about 9 years back and he still comes in my dreams. But never do I even get to feel that he is not there and has left us, I see him and do the things I always did – complain, be afraid, try to impress etc

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