Powerless. Stagnation.

22 Oct

This is the exact sort of feeling that costs me mental peace. I feel so utterly useless, and as if I just don’t belong in an environment to which I am not contributing constructively and significantly.

It could be a conversation. I detest being in a group of people in which I am not an active part of the conversation.
It could be a situation. A party, an event or anything at all in which I’m not bringing something to the table.

But most importantly and most relevantly, it is an organization.
I hate being a “trainee”. I hate coming to my desk, sitting and blankly reading tons of study material, most of which is just bloody obvious or seems pointless at the time, when the organization could actually be utilizing me. But they are not, simply because they don’t have the time to, or because they simply cannot understand that I’m HERE and I’m READY and I’m no ordinary bloke who needs __ amount of time before he’s ready to work. I hate that they hand me a book and say “read it and get an idea” just to keep me off their hands a little while longer.
I hate that my other co-recruits, who have spent as much here as me, are already working on the floor, and will be earning extra bucks while working during Diwali (because they’re already under utilization) but I will not (be earning the extra bucks, even though I’ll be “working”).

This is what I’m missing about that stupid small company in which I’d interned. At the end of Day 1 (an entire day that I sat reading a stupid book, wishing I’d be given something to do) I was handed over to a team, given a task (which they were quite sure I wouldn’t complete anytime soon, or without significant assisstance, but could probably play around with till they could find another person to help me out) but within 2 weeks, I’d accomplish the few goals they had given me, and they gave me more. Soon enough, the entire work was done, and I was left hungry for more work. Eventually, they were so delighted with the work done that no other resource was assigned, and I presented my module to the clients and the various other teams that worked on it. And though I may feel I only utilized 30% of my entire time there properly, they got more than they would have wanted and were quite satisfied.

Time has passed and all the frustrations I experienced whilst there are partially forgotten. All I can remember is how good I felt about myself when I left work late, because work had kept me. I remember how some of the team members looked at me in awe because of what I’d managed in the time that I had, as a fresher out of college. I remember the occasions on which my manager and team lead would start banging my back screaming “Well done! Well done!” whenever I accomplished something minor, and I couldn’t figure out what the fuss was about, especially since more complicated tasks accomplished would practically pass unnoticed.

I’m so frustrated that I’ve been here 3 months, of which I feel at least 2 were a complete waste of my time and abilities. And even though I’m part of a wonderful company as a whole, I hate this stupid work environment, and I simply cannot wait to get out of it.

13 Responses to “Powerless. Stagnation.”

  1. Tanuja at 11:28 pm #

    I’m EXACTLY in the same place. It might be my fault though. Which is infinitely worse. But I know this feeling. You should talk to your boss-man.

  2. Ian at 12:38 am #

    I could apply this verbatim to my working situation, luckily I have already decided to leave.

  3. Marvin at 11:32 am #

    When I interned for 6 months, my first 3 were spent reading random training material and eating tons of free cafeteria food. Felt useless, totally understand. But it’s their fault, not ours, so…

    • unsungpsalm at 1:02 am #

      Free cafeteria food??? Woah!

      • unsungpsalm at 1:02 am #

        Besides, this is a job! If I don’t work soon, I don’t see good growth 😦

  4. Pesto Sauce at 7:04 pm #

    They say the less you work, the less you apply your brains and the less you open your mouth; more better off would you be

    • unsungpsalm at 1:03 am #

      … and you’ll remain in a dull job in Gurgaon, and never get to go abroad…

  5. abc at 9:30 pm #

    y nt do smthng else @ wrk? read smthng useful (nt ms stff bt smthng else), blog, twitter, cruise, rite luv lttrs, whtevr..

    n as they say, d grass alwys looks greener on d othr side…

  6. soulmate at 9:59 am #

    Ahem… welcome to the real world.. I have more than 10 years of experience.. Still I am without a project ever since I joined here 4 months back… I feel rusted…

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