Losing Battles

6 Aug

Came to college with many hopes and expectations. I thought I’d have 5 memorable months ahead of me. So far, it doesn’t seem too good.

Final semester in college, and everything is dismal. Everybody’s studying sick for GRE and CAT. I’m taking neither. I feel uncertain.

Few companies are coming to recruit. None of the mass recruiters came. Everybody’s worried, including those preparing and counting on entrance exams for further studies. The realization doesn’t hit me, and I don’t feel like budging an inch. I didn’t sit for the first company because the nature of work didn’t inspire me. The second one arrives on Monday and is very suitable, but I have no motivation left to study. This reduces my options to zero, and I can only feel depressed about it. I don’t perform well under depression.

I signed up for another exchange program today, hoping to land a six month training somewhere in Europe. My curriculum vitae seems bland, and I’m not optimistic.

The hair-fall is back, and ferocious. The front scalp is becoming increasingly visible. I’ve increased my frequency of oiling to daily. It’s not helping. I’m starting to succumb and accept. I’m starting to mentally prepare.

When I was in Delhi, I went to mom and almost begged her to take notice and take me to a trichologist. She said she would, but didn’t find the time. She didn’t find the time to take me to the dentist for some extractions that have been delayed 3 times so far, for periods of 6 months each time. I know I should be doing these things myself, but I cannot and I need her to do them for me, but she didn’t have the time or was too preoccupied. I know I shouldn’t hold her responsible, but I do. I’m not openly accusing her, but I cannot help holding it against her (not the dental work, but the visit to the trichologist).
My hair is falling and I’m going to feel uglier than I could ever imagine. There will be nothing left at all to look into the mirror and appreciate. It will shatter my self-confidence entirely. I know I shouldn’t be so paranoid about appearances (yes, it’s “SO gay”), but I simply am, I’ve always been, and I cannot change my DNA.

I feel I’m losing every possible battle, all at the same time, and there are none that are left to win.
Even if there were, I’m in no position to fight them.

I could view the future as extremely uncertain. Alternatively, it could turn out to be everything I was afraid of. Predictable, discouraging and downright depressing.


52 Responses to “Losing Battles”

  1. sujata August 7, 2009 at 1:08 am #

    hey cheer up!! The style is great, i loved the short and crisp sentences, and the mood flowed freely in the choice of your words. You are a young man, Lift that chin up and bald is beautiful didnt you know that?

    • unsungpsalm August 7, 2009 at 7:44 am #

      Thanks Sujata, but I’d disagree with that last bit. At age 21, bald is quite hideous… at least on me (in my opinion). I won’t be able to cope with grace, only succumb to it…

  2. Karan August 7, 2009 at 1:19 am #

    Hey bro,

    Everything you mentioned happened to me in my last months at engineering (except the hair fall).
    If you are really worried about your future, GRE,CAT, campus placements, then worry not, worrying about them is absolutely normal and EVERYBODY gets through it. I know, recruitment happened like crazy 4 years back and times are little difficult now, but EVERYBODY sails through. And the kind of person you seem to be by virtue of your thoughts and writing here, YOU WILL πŸ™‚

    • unsungpsalm August 7, 2009 at 7:46 am #

      Kar, times are VERY difficult now. It’s not just about landing any job, but a really worthwhile one. I have the capacity to land a good job, but I just don’t have the inspiration, motivation, encouragement to work for it.

      Tragically, the balding is what i’m most paranoid about in all of the above.

  3. aparna August 7, 2009 at 9:27 am #

    Of all the blogs that i read , yours is the most interesting. Do not ask my why, I really do not know. May be because of your sense of humour. May be because you so well describe the campus life. May be because you are gay and bring me a complete different point of view. Or may be all of the above.
    If you worry about your hair, it will fall harder, so stop, ok? My mother always said that during monsoon, the hair generally tend to fall. May be there’s some truth in what she said. So forget it.
    BTW, I am still laughing about the Manmohan singh photo and your email to your dad. I am eagerly waiting for the update from the cousins. And I did not read a single comment on how handsome Rajiv Gandhi was. I am disappointed.

    • unsungpsalm August 7, 2009 at 9:38 am #

      That’s because he’s not handsome! He’s a bit weird looking… Like a geeky dorky Indian student brought up in the US of A on rigorous math, science & moral education.

      But his son more than makes up for it πŸ˜€ SOOO cute πŸ˜‰

      Thank you for the compliments! I’m pleased πŸ˜€

      As for the hairfall, it’s a battle I’ve been fighting for 2 years now, and I’m close to losing, but I sure hope you’re right about that…

  4. Meira August 7, 2009 at 9:52 am #

    TS has this problem too…his is hereditary !
    Can you visit a good men’s parlour there? TS went to one and they gave him some instructions. He claims it’s lessened!
    And chin up..it does get better.

    • unsungpsalm August 7, 2009 at 9:55 am #

      His is hereditary, but my father has more hair on his head at Age 53 than I do. Can anyone explain that? 😦

      I’ve been oiling EVERY NIGHT! Rightfully, I should’ve had better hair than Priyanka Chopra at the moment…

      • Meira August 9, 2009 at 7:55 pm #

        oil every night? and wash it everyday too, right? my hair stylist’s asked me to avoid oil completely. So I just go to her for a head massage once a month!

        • unsungpsalm August 9, 2009 at 10:48 pm #

          Well, as I said, I use herbal stuff for shampooing, so it’s not causing any further damage… purely natural πŸ™‚

  5. Dark Knight August 7, 2009 at 10:30 am #

    hmm sometimes even bald men look hot…cheer up πŸ˜›
    and it’s just matter of time dude, almost everyone will be bald someday πŸ˜€ (i hope this makes u feel good πŸ˜› )…

    but having said these: i thought ur hair oil was working, i remember ur advice to BlueMist sometimes back …nyway, there must be some other ways, i also need some treatment i guess, sigh 😦

    • unsungpsalm August 7, 2009 at 10:55 am #

      Almost all will be bald Some day. Maybe 30 years from now. Longer than the period I’ve lived already!

      Hair oil stopped working! I even started using another oil simultaneously but it’s persistent!

      • Dark Knight August 7, 2009 at 11:06 am #

        30 years, so what? still they will be πŸ˜›

        May be some organic shampoos or hair creams… or water might be culprit, dunno, too many thoughts coming in…

        If nothing works, then may be hair planting is last option? heard they work, Himesh Reshamiya is living proof, any plans for this???

        • unsungpsalm August 7, 2009 at 11:30 am #

          Well, I’ll go to sleep now. Wake me up in 30 years then!

          But yes, I heard about Himesh’s story! I was inspired… As soon as I have enough money for it, I’m going for a transplant. Any clue as to what it would cost around?

          • BlueMist August 7, 2009 at 3:02 pm #

            Yikes Himesh bhai looks horrid with that transplant. and so is harsha bhogale. 😦
            Pritish Nandi looks more elegant with that bald head any day. !!

            • unsungpsalm August 9, 2009 at 10:46 pm #

              Himesh probably looks bad because his hair is poorly styled, the way it presently is.

              The beauty of having as much hair, and as thick as his transplanted hair is, is that you can dress it how you want to. It’s only my guess, of course. It is real hair, of course, and not a wig or artificial fibre. Without any hair, one is starved for choices.
              Maybe he’s just made a bad choice of a hair-stylist.

  6. Miss M August 7, 2009 at 12:03 pm #

    I have been told that I have a head full of hair for three people. You want some? πŸ˜›

    • unsungpsalm August 7, 2009 at 12:04 pm #

      Yep, I’ll be contacting you in about a year for sure.

  7. BlueMist August 7, 2009 at 3:06 pm #

    Couple of things about hair fall
    – only oiling will not help.
    – did u check is it because of some wrongly chosen shampoo?
    – Dandruff can also cause hair fall.
    – there can be sm other reasons like harmonal imbalance !
    – and some amount of hair fall is natural.
    Now stop worrying about it.
    Rest everything I am not gonna talk about it as I know you can manage those things. aur ye depression vaigarh sub momentary hai πŸ˜€

    • unsungpsalm August 7, 2009 at 4:28 pm #

      No dandruff, switched shampoos, abandoned shampoos for natural remedies, hair-fall wayyy beyond permissible limits… Not worrying too much. Just feeling down about it.

      • BlueMist August 7, 2009 at 6:16 pm #

        Cheer up boi. have fun weekend.

  8. Vlad August 7, 2009 at 3:15 pm #

    Please try to be calm about it. Losing hair is not a disaster. I myself thing find shaved heads more attractive, for example.

    Also, you might want to decide that you want to do IMPORTANT things without waiting till anyone, including your mum, will have time for that.

    But the most important thing: be optimistic. Life is a miracle, and don’t you dare to forget it.

    • unsungpsalm August 7, 2009 at 4:30 pm #

      I don’t know how you live yours with so much optimism, Vlad! You really must be having lots of joy, to be delighted so about… I don’t have as much…

      And I cannot for my life imagine why you crop your hair so short. You’re DAMN cute with long hair (albeit cute with cropped hair as well) πŸ™‚

      • Vlad August 7, 2009 at 4:36 pm #

        As a matter of fact, life hits me really hard from time to time. I just learned to get over it.

        Thanks for the compliment, but I both like the way I look when my hair is cut short, and tremendously enjoy the feeling of my head skin being exposed to the wind… won’t trade it for anything.

        It all boils down to loving oneself. Really. I never dated a guy before I was 24. I never was in a relationship before I was 26. Does it make me a lesser person? No. I might lose my hair in a year, or become fat. Does it make me a lesser person? No. From what I can see, you are a kind and intelligent person, Unsung, don’t let the world make you bitter. Stay in love with yourself, or fall in love with yourself if you are not sure if you are in love. *hugs*

        • unsungpsalm August 7, 2009 at 4:40 pm #

          Really?? YOU didn’t date till you were 24?? Like wow! Didn’t guys just scramble after you?
          It’s damn surprising! You’re such a sweet fellow in every way!

          I grew up bitter. This is an improved version of me you’re witnessing, this past year πŸ™‚
          Yes, this phase will pass, but it will take either quite some time, or an unlikely dramatic turn of events…

          • Vlad August 7, 2009 at 4:43 pm #

            Even though I knew I was gay since I was 14 or 15, I just decided to not do much about it for quite a while. I studied in two universities at the same time and did a lot of volunteer teaching work. It helped to learn some things about people, and also was a good distraction from thoughts about guys…

            • unsungpsalm August 7, 2009 at 4:46 pm #

              Sigh! More achievers!!! Exactly the kind of people who’re causing the aforementioned depression πŸ˜›

              • Vlad August 7, 2009 at 4:48 pm #

                Listen, Unsung, everything WILL be great for you. Just start learning to believe in it. πŸ˜‰

                • unsungpsalm August 7, 2009 at 4:49 pm #

                  Were you at any point in your life a motivational speaker, Vlad?

                  • Vlad August 7, 2009 at 4:52 pm #

                    I always have to be. For myself, first of all. For my students. For my beloved one. I quite suck at it, though. People who don’t want to believe in themselves don’t find me too convincing 😦

                    • unsungpsalm August 7, 2009 at 4:56 pm #

                      People who don’t believe in themselves are scarcely convinced by results, let alone words…

                      You teach! Wow! That’s so cool! I think i’ll have to sit and read your entire blog one of these days…

  9. Rani August 7, 2009 at 4:16 pm #

    u losing hope so easily?? I don’t believe this.. chin up dear!

    • unsungpsalm August 7, 2009 at 4:31 pm #

      So easily? I wouldn’t say so. Losing hope? Yes, almost lost. Only the depression over it lingers…

      • Rani August 7, 2009 at 8:28 pm #

        Its always too early to give up u know?

        • unsungpsalm August 7, 2009 at 10:22 pm #

          One million philosophies regd. that, I’m afraid…

  10. Vlad August 7, 2009 at 5:00 pm #

    Hmm, your last comment in that thread does not have a “reply” button, I wonder why…

    However, yes, I do teach (as in, give lectures to students), and I do find it fun. I think that teaching and any work where you do something to a large bunch of people really helps to see the bright side of life sometimes, helps to realize that there are millions of people with really serious problems, compare to which anything that you or I can ever experience is just small little nonsense. But maybe that’s just me.

    • unsungpsalm August 7, 2009 at 5:08 pm #

      W.r.t. reply button, I didn’t disable replies to make mine “the final word” or anything! It just allows a maximum of 8 replies to a comment πŸ˜› Then you have to start a new strong of comment-and-replies.

      Yes, one can always look at other examples to compare oneself to. They could be of those more fortunate, or those less. A cup half empty, or a cup half full. I confess to belonging to the former.

      • Vlad August 7, 2009 at 5:34 pm #

        Oh I did not suspect you of that, I was just curious about how the whole thread thing works. I only know how it works for Livejournal, where threads can be of almost infinite length πŸ™‚

        More fortunate examples should be inspiring, not depressing! Okay, I’d better cut the motivational speaking before you got annoyed…

        • unsungpsalm August 7, 2009 at 5:44 pm #

          Lol, no… I won’t get annoyed.

          Yes, commonly they’re supposed to be inspiring. It works in the exact opposite way with me. Not because I want it to, but because it just does.
          After all, we can’t all be exactly the same, can we?

  11. Alan August 8, 2009 at 12:19 am #

    Cheer up, buddy! I remember my final semester in college – all my friends got a job way before I did – but I finally did – and when the time came I went off and did something entirely different – and I ‘m glad I did. I also know a good friend who graduated without a job but is doing very well now (its been 10 years since then) and others who are still stuck at the very same job that they got then! So all this is far from the end of the world.

    On the contrary – enjoy the last few days of college life πŸ™‚

    … and the hair … well … get over it πŸ˜‰

    • Alan August 8, 2009 at 4:35 am #

      OMG!!! I just happened to scroll up and read the discussions with Vlad. Unsung – just to add to your data point, I did not date a guy till I was 29 (Ha Ha!!!) and then I have been in a relationship with him since.

      Also – you really need a big dose of positive energy – which Vlad is doing a very good job at providing πŸ™‚

      Dude – forget about your hair and dates, and go out and smell the roses πŸ™‚ You are missing everything else.

    • unsungpsalm August 8, 2009 at 1:47 pm #

      Sigh! Get over the hair?? You have NO idea what you’re asking of me here, Alan… like REALLY!

      Yep, I’m gonna do my best to enjoy my time here. Just hope to find reason enough to.

      And yes, Vlad’s awesome at motivating!

      Your first relationship at 29?? Oh LORD! How do you people SURVIVE, I cannot fathom :S

  12. v August 8, 2009 at 9:27 am #

    hey UsP ,do not worry about hair fall too much… but i think as u mentioned go to a trichologist ……its better safe then to be sorry like me 😦 πŸ™‚

    • unsungpsalm August 8, 2009 at 1:52 pm #

      Yep, whenever I’m in the city next πŸ™‚

  13. Rambunctious WhipperSnapper August 8, 2009 at 11:56 am #

    @Vlad & @Alan

    i don’t know about Unsung, but you guys have managed to cheer me up. I’m 27 and still haven’t dated a guy. So both your stories have kinda given me hope.

    Vlad your comments were like a non-pharmaceutical pick-me-up. Which usually doensn’t work for me.

    You guys are so Obama! Thanks!


    Cheer up, baldie.

    The future is gonna be okay, mostly. Don’t lose your hair over it.

    Also, once college is over you can always start with a clean slate.

    *Points and laughs*

    (Thanks for all the stale fat jokes. This is when I pay you back. And no, you cannot wig-gle your way out of this.)

    • unsungpsalm August 8, 2009 at 1:54 pm #

      Loved the pun on wiggle.
      Didn’t get the “clean slate” one though 😦

      27? A-Ha! FINALLY we know thy age πŸ˜€

      • Rambunctious WhipperSnapper August 8, 2009 at 4:15 pm #

        Clean Slate = Bald Head

        And if you have ever read my blog, I constantly talk about my age.

        Do you even read it before you practice your favorite form of exercise? (i.e. jumping to conclusions)

        • unsungpsalm August 8, 2009 at 11:20 pm #

          You never gave us an exact figure, you! Only vague mentions of “mid-twenties”. This IS the first exact figure that I can recall…

          Then again, me and my memory 😦

  14. the mad momma August 9, 2009 at 2:20 pm #

    πŸ™‚ here’s something to smile about.i am a woman going bald! so you’re better off as a man at least πŸ˜‰

    chin up. let me find a good trichologist and i will recommend him/her to you. until then try homoeopathy. i go to dr batras.

    • unsungpsalm August 9, 2009 at 2:37 pm #

      Aww, thanks Momma… Not all of us are brave enough to deal with hair-loss, unfortunately 😦

  15. Yello August 13, 2009 at 9:39 am #

    Hey Mr.
    I have been reading your blog and feel that you are a very sensitive person just like my gay friend. You must be 20-21 years old and I dont think you should complain about your mother not taking you to a dentist/any-ist. Learn to be independent and things will fall in place…and nothing is end of the world. I never comment on blogs but this post did make me comment..kudos to you πŸ˜›

    • unsungpsalm August 13, 2009 at 1:42 pm #

      Oh, then I am extremely flattered πŸ˜€

      Thanks for commenting! And do comment again πŸ˜›
      I shall try to be independent, and I think I am. Just occasionally, we want to be looked after…

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