Paint the Town Beautiful

5 Aug

I am thoroughly surprised. At all those individuals who told me that swimming is a glorious exercise and helps you get in shape and stay that way. I’m disgruntled with all those who expressed admiration for the “swimmer body”. If the above were indeed true, how can you explain all the Yokozuna Jr.’s that I’ve been encountering endlessly at our pool? Why were 4 out of 5 people at the pool this afternoon severely overweight? I don’t mean slightly or varyingly overweight, but let’s just say that all of them had enough fat to go through several sittings of liposuction.

Ladies, I beseech you to ensure that your elder (to me) brothers and male friends be forbidden from publicly walking in a bathing suit unless they’re in suitable form (as per my judgement). Men, I urge you to slim down to a reasonable extent if you aren’t quite there already, at least to a stage whereby innocent people like me would not be significantly disturbed at your very half-naked sight.

For I have a mission. I have a dream. I dream that someday, everyone that walks on this planet will be as attractive as can be. No, I’m NOT gender-biased.

Only this morning, at the canteen, Alika was standing with a friend who I’m vaguely acquainted to. I went up to say hullo, and Alika asked me in an all too excited voice :-

Alika : UsP, is she looking fat at all?

Me : Ummm… Not really…

Alika : Whaddaya mean “Not really”?? She’s So THIN!

Me : Well, thinner than you in any case! She looks fine.

She : SEE? I told you so!

Me : (Sensing the despair in She’s voice) Well, you’re not looking fat. I won’t say you’re thin… but you’re certainly not fat.

Alika : You’re such a creep!

Me : Whaa! I’m not saying she needs to lose weight or anything! She just shouldn’t gain anymore… She should remain just the way she is….

… of course, there’s no such thing as “too thin” so…

Alika : I don’t even know why I asked you…

Me : You’re getting me wrong! Hold on… Let me find a reference…
(Looking around) Hmmm… no… Certainly not her! …. Nope, not that one!
OMG look at that giant!
Geez, why are all the girls here so fat!

Alika : Uff! Bye!

You get the gist…
So ladies and gentlemen… Get in shape!

Always remember… the best contribution you can make towards preventing global warming is fighting obesity!
Swimming Pool

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53 Responses to “Paint the Town Beautiful”

  1. Meira August 5, 2009 at 5:57 pm #

    wait a few months…the stout swimmers will be as slim as you πŸ˜›

    • unsungpsalm August 5, 2009 at 7:54 pm #

      Haw, don’t say that! What will I look at then, to make myself feel better!

  2. Miss M August 5, 2009 at 7:44 pm #

    Whaaat?

    So, in your world, I’ll be denied the privelege to have a swim in the pool? Not that I’m overweight or anything.. but I’m not that much in shape either!

    And my dear, arent the others there to GET IN SHAPE?
    So pray tell me, what are they supposed to do BEFORE coming to the pool? Get in shape beforehand? :S

    • unsungpsalm August 5, 2009 at 7:57 pm #

      You’re not in shape if you have enough fat on you to get a liposuction. In which case, you should.

      Otherwise, go to a gym or something! Jog in the morning! Starve yourself for a few months! But don’t broadcast layers of fat and openly show off gynecomastia by dressing in skimpy swim-suits!

      And one other thing… Don’t take my dramatic posts too literally!!

      • Miss M August 5, 2009 at 8:23 pm #

        LOL “don’t broadcast layers of fat and openly show off gynecomastia by dressing in skimpy swim-suits”. This has to be funniest thing I’ve heard all day!

        • Miss M August 5, 2009 at 8:29 pm #

          Oh and ofcourse I knew yaar.. that you were being dramatic.
          I was also asking in a playful, sarcastic tone. πŸ™‚

          • unsungpsalm August 5, 2009 at 10:40 pm #

            Lol, ok!
            It was a genuine, valid query so I thought… :S

  3. Only my rants August 5, 2009 at 7:45 pm #

    I’m going to sue that site owner!!

    • unsungpsalm August 5, 2009 at 7:58 pm #

      Which one? The global warming guy? I think it’s a scientific study, so it’s not his fault…

  4. Crazy Sam August 5, 2009 at 8:02 pm #

    Hmm… you might have pissed off someone really badly with this post.

    • unsungpsalm August 5, 2009 at 10:42 pm #

      Hmmm… who?

      • Crazy Sam August 6, 2009 at 1:03 pm #

        I’m just waiting for that person’s comment to pop up. πŸ˜€

        • unsungpsalm August 6, 2009 at 1:18 pm #

          WHO WHO WHO?

          I’m supposing it’s not the MTV guy since, as far as I know, you haven’t enough info~ to out me to him…

          • Crazy Sam August 6, 2009 at 1:55 pm #

            Even if I had enough info, I would never out you or anyone. If I were that kinda guy, I would have outed my classmate (he doesn’t know that I know.) to our mutual friends who know about my gay side. And I don’t know the MTV guy either, although he has raised my curiosity. Hehe! πŸ˜›

            ps. You put that pic just now, rite? Coz I never noticed it during my earlier visits.

            • unsungpsalm August 6, 2009 at 3:11 pm #

              Lol, I know you did not. Else, I would’ve you blasted you over email some time ago πŸ˜›

              Yep, uploaded the snap just now, to give people an idea of what I’m talking about…

              • unsungpsalm August 6, 2009 at 6:16 pm #

                You’re talking about Ramby, aren’t you Sammy?
                Naw, ramby will never get mad πŸ˜› He’ll come up with some damn witty and outrageously interesting response!

                Besides, he’s not very heavy anyway.

  5. Rakesh August 5, 2009 at 8:52 pm #

    I can’t wait till you cross over to the other side (evil laugh here).

    • unsungpsalm August 5, 2009 at 10:42 pm #

      Double chin, double chin , double chin , double chin….

  6. BlueMist August 5, 2009 at 9:06 pm #

    Are they banned in USPland as well ?
    May be my last comment then …. *sigh *
    Sayonara USP ! πŸ‘Ώ

    • unsungpsalm August 5, 2009 at 10:43 pm #

      No No! They’re most welcome! Just not in revealing swimsuits :S And I’m talking only about men here…
      Sorry, I’m shallow that way.

      Women are welcome in all forms…

      • BlueMist August 5, 2009 at 11:39 pm #

        Aww…USP is being good to women ….nice. πŸ˜›
        hey but in this place if you go to beaches you can see people in every shape and size enjoying. Getting shape is one part of it but if one is comfortable in own skin; nothing should stop them. IMHO. And I also feel one needs confidence to carry off the clothes or lack of them. Some people can not carry swim suits or bare bodies even being in shape.

        • BlueMist August 5, 2009 at 11:40 pm #

          how was your rakhi day btw ?

          • unsungpsalm August 6, 2009 at 1:19 pm #

            Strange! My sister sent the Rakhi on the day before, but I kept forgetting to put it on, several times during the day. Eventually, I wore it before going to sleep, and am wearing it through the day to compensate :S

  7. Karan August 5, 2009 at 10:39 pm #

    If I were as fat as you made them sound to be, I wouldnt dare expose in a pool. Seriously, I would have tried everything else before giving swimming a shot!

    • unsungpsalm August 5, 2009 at 10:44 pm #

      People like you make me proud, the little that I am of this country’s people. You’re a very responsible and mature citizen of the country, you are!

  8. Prads August 6, 2009 at 9:21 am #

    I follow your blog just for the time pass.

    I think you need to take a close look @ yourself. (I have seen your picture, don’t ask me how. Let’s just say that one of your friends in Delhi has leaked real info about you πŸ™‚ ). So what if the person is obese? Not in shape? Try not to be judgmental all the time. That is so gay..!!! For once, be like a normal guy. After all, there is much more in life than ranting about being gay and all such things.

    p.s. : Here are my stats, in case you are wondering that you have hurt some fat unfit guy. I am 24, 6’1″, 78Kg, 31W, gym toned… have been on MTv reality show πŸ™‚

    — Prads @ Delhi

    • Crazy Sam August 6, 2009 at 1:02 pm #

      Nice, I’m always after guys who appear in MTV reality shows.

    • unsungpsalm August 6, 2009 at 1:23 pm #

      Yay, hate mail!

      One of my friends? I doubt a friend would do something of the sort without my consent, so if I were you, I’d rephrase that comment…

      Yes, this entire post is SO GAY! You know what else? This entire BLOG is SO GAY! That’s the very purpose with which this blog was started… so that I’d have a forum to express my gay self, while I lead my other life in the real world…
      The day I’m able to be my gay self in person, these posts (or maybe the entire blog) will cease to exist! There IS a lot more to life than being gay, but it’s simply not this blog! THIS blog is ALL about being gay!
      Having the right to freedom of speech and opinion and so on and so forth, I think I’m entitled to write whatever I wish in my own personal anonymous blog, without having to be politically right!

      Thanks for stopping by, Prads @ Delhi, and all the best for the rest of your lustrous career on MTv reality shows…

      • H April 15, 2010 at 5:51 pm #

        Ok it’s not about being gay, but that was superficial. I am overweight and all that, but I’d find it just as offensive even if I wasn’t.
        But it’s not as easy for everyone, neither to deal with their weight issues nor their public images.
        It’s not as easy as it sounds. “Jogging” every morning or “Starving for half a year” sounds really funny but you have no idea what image issues can be like.

        • unsungpsalm April 16, 2010 at 9:49 pm #

          Arre baba, it was all tongue and cheek! I have tons of overweight people who I love immensely! Don’t take it seriously, and I’m sorry if you’re offended still…

          And this is a DELAYED response…

  9. Dark Knight August 6, 2009 at 10:10 am #

    haha… so i am barely accepted in USP land 😦

    • unsungpsalm August 6, 2009 at 1:25 pm #

      Everyone is welcome on UsP Land! only, entry in bathing suits is restricted πŸ˜‰

  10. D August 6, 2009 at 11:27 am #

    You’re talking of painting the town beautiful but UsP, that didn’t come out pretty at all – none of it. There is something like aesthetic sensibilities and then there’s something like insensitivity. This post falls into the latter category.

    And you’re very confused about what you want to say – is this post against obesity (“the best contribution… fighting obesity”) or is this post for anorexia (“there’s nothing like being too thin”)?

    Get a reality check!

    • unsungpsalm August 6, 2009 at 1:33 pm #

      It’s not about anything. It’s not going into a newspaper or a magazine, and I certainly don’t think I’ve got any PG-13 following, so I really needn’t censor my writings.
      It’s just a nonsensical tongue-and-cheek rant, and I stand by it. I have fat friends, some very dear ones, and I love them dearly, and if I ever end up marrying a woman, she’s likely to be very heavy (I think Rebel is with me on this one) but if anyone felt overly offended reading this post, then I’d have to advise them to avoid the blog entirely because I won’t subject myself to censorship on an anonymous blog…

      I don’t think any of the content suggests that this blog is a lecture on either obesity or anorexia (In fact, comments on anorexia were specifically edited out from my conversation with Alika)… One would have to apply too much of one’s mind to discover a strong social message in a whimsical write-up such as the above.

      • D August 7, 2009 at 11:05 am #

        Whose asking for censorship? If you’re giving your opinion, we’re giving ours. If you don’t want ’em, close comments.

        And I’m still going to come and read your blog, do what you will πŸ˜›

        • unsungpsalm August 7, 2009 at 11:29 am #

          Nope, your opinion is always welcome πŸ™‚
          I’m doing nothing… My door is open to all criticism, (as I mentioned in my comment in response to the MTV guy’s[ Comment No. 8])

  11. Rebel August 6, 2009 at 12:41 pm #

    I think Prads and D have summed it up well. To be fixated by looks to the extent of appearing shallow is SO gay!
    And one more thing – Intolerance from a gay guy smells of irony at best, and hypocrisy at worst.
    I know you are a nice guy, you just need to grow up a bit. In due course, you most probably will.

    • unsungpsalm August 6, 2009 at 1:38 pm #

      You’re intolerant about a LOT of my opinions, so it’s something I’ve gotten immune to.
      “To be fixated by looks to the extent of appearing shallow is SO gay!”
      Oh, did I not tell you??? I’m gay!!! I know you’re “bi”, but well you see, I’m not.

      Oh, and just for the record, the only 2 guys I’ve ever… ummm… enjoyed an activity with were both on the heavier side, so yes, I’m extremely shallow.

      • D August 7, 2009 at 11:09 am #

        And no, I make no connection between gays and obsession with looks of a certain kind. I think I don’t know enough gays to make such sweeping statements and I know enough straight people to not make such sweeping statements!

        • unsungpsalm August 7, 2009 at 11:27 am #

          I know a lot of gays by now, though… I can safely tell you that those who do not belong to the belowmentioned categories have an aversion to, and I quote, “baldies, fatties, uncles, sissys”
          It’s quite shameful, and yet a bit comical!

  12. Miss M August 6, 2009 at 5:34 pm #

    Wtf is this about being “SO gay” IF you are fixated on looks?

    To each his own man. It has absolutely nothing to do with being gay/straight/bisexual. I dont even understand how people can make such statements. Telling someone to not be so fixated on looks is one thing.. but labelling someone as “SO GAY” is just a very cheap approach.

    • unsungpsalm August 6, 2009 at 6:11 pm #

      @Rebel & @Miss M

      Okay, okay… Calm down ladies, and take a step away from each other!!!

      Not that I wouldn’t appreciate a cat-fight on my very own blog, but I’m obligated to discourage it πŸ˜›

      @Miss M
      Isn’t it amusing how even gay people (or “bisexuals” for that matter) are capable of slamming each other as “too gay” etc. etc.? I’m not absolving myself from the same, but just making a general observation…
      Some would argue that this “diversity” in the LGBT community (ranging from “Straight acting” to “Very Camp”) is the entire beauty of it, but it takes time for its members to come to terms with it…

  13. Miss M August 6, 2009 at 7:23 pm #

    *takes a deep breath*

    Fine. I’ll take a step back. Or else I was all ready, sleeves folded, standing arms akimbo and all. πŸ˜›

    Nono just kidding. But just got a lil’ agitated.
    Pakka no cat fights here USP. πŸ˜€

    • Rebel August 6, 2009 at 8:07 pm #

      Thank you.
      Wtf is this about being β€œSO gay” IF you are fixated on looks? —> To each his own man.
      You answered it yourself.
      And next time you start a statement (directed at an unknown person) with WTF, please think twice.

      Btw, I agree with your second para USP. Pretty true. But its not about slamming, its just that it has become common parlance.

      • Miss M August 6, 2009 at 8:23 pm #

        Like I promised USP, no fights. I could say something to you right now, but I wont.

        *puts on her ipod and walks off dancing to ‘..and we twist, we twist, we twist, we twist’*
        πŸ˜€

        • unsungpsalm August 6, 2009 at 9:08 pm #

          @Miss M
          Good girl πŸ™‚ That song sounds interesting… Going to look for it right now!

          @Rebel
          WTF is wrong with starting a sentence with WTF? Even if she thought thrice (or four or five times) “before starting a sentence with WTF while speaking to someone she hardly knows” I doubt she (or most other people) would find anything worth reconsidering… Act your age, dude! You’re NOT 65 years old yet!!

          • Miss M August 6, 2009 at 9:22 pm #

            Its that song ‘twist’ from Love aaj kal. πŸ™‚

          • Rebel August 6, 2009 at 9:41 pm #

            Or maybe you are acting too immature? Like you always do. πŸ™‚

            • unsungpsalm August 6, 2009 at 9:50 pm #

              Thankfully, you’re among very few who say that…

  14. Rakesh August 7, 2009 at 12:27 am #

    I guess weight is a sensitive issue that brings out the sharpened claws. LOL. Keep it going.

  15. Rambunctious WhipperSnapper August 7, 2009 at 12:30 pm #

    A few things:

    a) Yokozuna Jr.’s

    That’s so easy. If you want to make fat jokes, please try something new. If I had a nickel for everytime someone used “Yokozuna” to refer to fat people, I’d be richer then Lakshi Mittal.

    b) I sort of agree about the fat people at the pool bit. No one likes to see protruding bellies in a thong. Not even fat people.

    c) Public pools are gross. I haven’t used a public pool since fifteen years ago when my cousin told me he peed in one. Twice.

    d) You’re talking about Ramby, aren’t you Sammy?
    Naw, ramby will never get mad πŸ˜› He’ll come up with some damn witty and outrageously interesting response!

    Too. Much. Pressure.

    Besides, he’s not very heavy anyway.

    Wrong. My mirror begs to differ.

    e) Also, hate mail from an “MTv” “reality” show. A real life “celebrity”. Who follows your blog just for “time pass”.

    I’m not going to say anything. Just like you, it’s too easy.

    Although, I didn’t realize that people who participate in MTV reality shows could read.

    f)The post was funny. The coments were funnier.

    g) @Sammy: Sometimes, you’re simply too cute.

    h) I have too much paracetamol inside of me right now to be offended. That might change when I’m a little sober. And by sober I mean just my usual high of Advil and cheap wine.

    i) I’d recommend never ever going to a public pool in Florida. NEVER.

    z) It’s a good thing that I ended at (i). Because I can’t count further.

    • unsungpsalm August 7, 2009 at 12:33 pm #

      Hahahahha!
      You lived up to my expectations as always, even without trying πŸ˜€

  16. Nikita August 10, 2009 at 12:34 pm #

    It beats me that why did people take this post so seriously.
    But anyway, the comments were very interesting πŸ™‚

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