Mamma Love

16 Dec

Just had another long session with Maa. She was telling me about the (bordering scandalous) happenings in her life, the people in it, the problems she faces. She told me about the nature of her friendship with our family accountant (that makes my dad quite uncomfortable), gives fodder for gossip to the family, even though it’s something so out-in-the-open, platonic and everything. I’m touched by her honesty, frankness and the nobility of her intentions. And I admire her ability to take decisions that would let her live life on her own terms and hold her head up high.
I’m proud of her for being able to tell me things that would otherwise be difficult to share with one’s children. Specially children of my kind, who’re from an entirely different culture.

And I feel so awful for her. Awful that a woman of her character, proud, independent, lively… a Queen in every right, should be caught in the life that she’s trapped in. That a woman who is charming, attractive and appealing, a winner of hearts, is caught in a life like this. A woman who, as she nears 50, leaves anyone scandalised when they get to know her actual age or the fact that she has a 24 and a 20 year old children, should be caught in a marriage like this. A woman who could’ve had anything she wanted if she had only a little more exposure to the world beyond her small town in her younger years, can end up in a life like this.

I wish she could’ve married the man that she deserved. One who would’ve made it his soul duty to give her everything she wanted… because all she’s ever wanted are the right things. The real things in life. Because even today, she would find so many who would be in a position to and willing to give her everything they could.
I wish that she lets me give her everything she could desire, when I’m in a position to (because that remains the prime motive of my existence). I hope that day comes soon.

I wish that a person so beautiful could’ve had a life as beautiful, a husband as generous and children as perfect.

I wish I could grab her and hold on to her with all my life, not let her go in fear that I couldn’t hold her again… something so outright beautiful and wonderful. I wish I could plant her with hugs and kisses (which I cannot because I don’t deem myself worthy of it) and all the affection in the world.

I wish I could give her another chance at life, and this time, make it all right.

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12 Responses to “Mamma Love”

  1. Crazy Sam December 16, 2008 at 12:21 am #

    Why these constant feelings of unworthiness? Alright, lemme just put here what Oprah Winfrey one said ,” You are worthy because you are born.”
    There you go!

  2. Stray December 16, 2008 at 2:16 am #

    Beautiful

  3. Jay December 16, 2008 at 11:34 am #

    Totall agree with Sam. Even if you were merely an accident, feel proud that you are.

  4. D December 16, 2008 at 11:56 am #

    It’s a beautiful thought, unsung… But you do realise that mothers have a way of making their children feel like that? I mean, almost all the mothers in the world are capable of making their children go through such emotions – I’ve wanted to do a whole post on it, though I don’t know where to begin.

  5. unsungpsalm December 16, 2008 at 1:12 pm #

    Lol. I tell my mom that her kids are the only good thing that came off her marriage!

    But I don’t think I’ll ever feel that I lived up to what she deserved. She deserved children to be as moralistic as her, even if it is all faux. Never can match up to that woman, my Maa.

    *D
    It just comes out one day, unexpectedly, without warning. You just have to wait for the moment to come along, and have pen and paper or a computer at hand.

  6. TLOB December 16, 2008 at 11:34 pm #

    Well, i get most of the self-deprecation, but why did you say she was ‘caught in a marriage like this’..or She should have married someone better
    You have been very fond of your father as well, so I can’t put two and two together to see how you conclude that they, your parents, don’t live a normal life..and by normal, I mean a life which has its share of happiness and grief..
    Life will be way too boring if it was all perfect..and you had nothing to look forward to..
    and stop this talk of unworthiness, you don’t become unworthy because you have different ambitions for yourself than what your parents have, or because you are gay. Are we not making the sexuality a bigger issue than what it is?

  7. unsungpsalm December 16, 2008 at 11:40 pm #

    Yes, my parents are both wonderful people but they’re polar opposites. Each has expectations from the other that neither could meet, which leads to a lot of frustration on both sides. Shouting, screaming, endless attempts by each to convey an idea to the other yielding no result… It’s just ugly. Just because both are sooo different.

    I’m not an unworthy person as a stand-alone example. A pretty good one, in fact. I just wouldn’t want her to have to deal with having a son who was “different” because it’s so much easier to deal with one who is not. It would be easier to belong to the remaining 90%. If I had mean/bitchy parents, I’d be happy that I was gay 🙂

  8. TLOB December 16, 2008 at 11:53 pm #

    hmm..I see.
    but on your second point, I think the sooner you accept that you are not ‘different’, you will see things more clearly.
    we all feel we are ‘different’, we are special, something unexpected is gonna happen to us, but there are countless men and women who have gone through the same predicament, and probably going through..we are just a speck of dust in this universe, don’t overanalyze and secondguess your life..

    as wise ghalib had put it
    “Na tha kuchh toh khuda tha, kuchh na hota toh khuda hota!
    duboya mujhko hone ne na hota main toh kya hota?”
    so stop thinking of ‘what if’ 🙂

  9. unsungpsalm December 16, 2008 at 11:56 pm #

    Dude! I just manage to understand simple Hindi sentences!!
    That shayari has left me too dazed to even comment :))

    But that’s not one of my faux-traits… I’m sort of dense with poetry too!

    Okay, not so much Poetry as rap, but you get the point.

  10. TLOB December 17, 2008 at 12:02 am #

    it’s pretty simple hindi..no heavy ‘hindi’ or ‘urdu’ word there..just read it aloud, perhaps you might get it

    as an aside, this might seem interesting

  11. unsungpsalm December 17, 2008 at 12:12 am #

    It’s bloody interesting, TLOB! Thanks a lot for it :))

    Interestingly, most of the people of my school’s character description fits exactly in that blog post 🙂

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