When one cannot deny

26 Oct

I cranked up the old MSN Messenger again after about half a century today. Apart from the person I actually logged on to speak with, this other guy saw me online and pinged me. Let’s call him Samir, shall we?

I know Samir vaguely for some years now. We used to post frequently on a certain technical forum quite some time back. It was a close group of people, and most people knew everyone else. Pictures were posted online, personal details were exchanged. But nearly each person was from a different part of the world!

Today, I spoke to him again after ages. To the rhetorical “How’re you doing?” query, he responded with “Not very well” and went on to admit that he was stressed out by coming to terms with his sexuality. Now the guy is 25, so I found that a bit surprising; which I sought clarification on. He said that he was having issues co-existing with parents and not being able to tell them, while at the same time complaining about the close-minded culture of the place he lived in.

He then asked me about things here. I told him that though the country was more or less intolerant, one could get by happily in the cities.

Eventually, he asked me the inevitable. “Are you straight? Or gay too?”
I tried my best to skirt the question, drew him onto tangent. Spoke about how several people on the forum had been gay. But he didn’t let go. “Where are you? Straight, bi or gay?”

I could’ve lied. I could’ve just said, “I’m straight” but something inside me always keeps me from lying. I don’t understand why it happens, but it just does. I find it hard to lie! And that’s something I’m supposed to be really good at too.

I eventually settled for white lies. “I don’t know,” I responded. I told him that I’d not experimented with the other side, and that maybe I was bi-curious.
I left out specifying how I defined the “other side”!

He then told me that he got vibes off me. Again, I didn’t know what to say, but any sensible person would have been quite sure, since I simply did not deny it!

I hope such lack of capacity remains confined to people who live many continents away. If tomorrow my family starts questioning in jest, and I keep skirting the questions, I don’t think it would be a secret well kept.


9 Responses to “When one cannot deny”

  1. Vlad October 27, 2008 at 3:41 am #

    But why wouldn’t you just tell him? 😉

  2. unsungpsalm October 27, 2008 at 9:36 am #

    I really can think of no reason good enough to divulge it to him!

  3. Crazy Sam October 27, 2008 at 10:03 am #

    So the million dollar question.. Are you gay?? 😀

    I find it some what disturbing when people try to define me with questions regarding gay, bi, bottom, top.

  4. unsungpsalm October 27, 2008 at 10:09 am #

    Oh, they do, do they?
    Must be very annoying!

    See what I mean?

  5. Vlad October 27, 2008 at 1:10 pm #

    Ah well, I guess people are different. I would just be feeling too bad afterwards for telling a lie. It’s something about my physiology, I presume 🙂

  6. unsungpsalm October 27, 2008 at 3:21 pm #

    Oh, I don’t think it’s anything to do with psychology. Well, it is but only as a consequence of the culture here. One doesn’t want to tell anybody but the people closest to him/herself, and that too only if absolutely necessary.

  7. Vlad October 27, 2008 at 4:11 pm #

    Ehm… physiology is not psychology 😉 I mean, I just _literally_ feel sick if I lie to someone, so I prefer to not do that.

  8. unsungpsalm October 27, 2008 at 4:15 pm #

    Oh, my bad. Misread it.
    I feel like throwing up if I get to know that someone knows about me, so we have a similar physiology really, with a small difference 😉
    So you told everyone who asked you?

  9. Vlad October 27, 2008 at 6:11 pm #

    Yep, as long as I understood it for myself.

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