Sans emotions

25 Aug

There’s no anguish anymore. That sinking feeling on leaving Ma behind, wanting to hold on to her tightly and telling her to take good care of herself. Because I love her more than anything else in the world, and because I live for her more than I do for my own sake. There is no Disappointment on departures. The tears don’t well anymore, as I wait for the bus to take me far away from happiness. The songs cannot make me cry.

Who am I? Why do I live this charade that I call my life, drifting here and drifting there?

Why is it that I only write about being gay? Is that all there is to my life? Is that all there is to my identity? Or the lack of it?

Why can I not cry?

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6 Responses to “Sans emotions”

  1. flygye12 August 25, 2008 at 10:54 pm #

    i was waiting for the day you USP will realize there is more to life than being gay.congrats. maybe its a man thing which prevents u from crying.

  2. Kris Bass August 26, 2008 at 2:52 am #

    What? I think he uses this space to display his feelings on the ‘gay’ aspect of his life. Come on, don’t be harsh on him.

    It’s nothing to worry about. Just a phase in your life.

  3. unsung.psalm August 26, 2008 at 7:11 am #

    Kris just about hit the nail on the head. I have no other channel to let out whatever I do here. For everything else, I have friends in the world that I live in. But it’s hard to live in a closet for 2 years after you’re ready to come out (but the world isn’t ready for you to), so this Blog is my sort-of-coming-out.

    Not crying, a man thing? I don’t know. There as a time, not very long ago, when I used to be extremly upset on the abovementioned situations, but was not last night. Well, not until I’d written this post. Then it all came back for the shortest of moments.

  4. D August 26, 2008 at 11:39 am #

    I guess we all use our blog spaces to talk about things we don’t talk about in the real world, whether we do it anonymously or not is another question altogether. And I guess we all know that there’s more to the life of a blogger than what he/she chooses to write about, for better or for worse. So really, it’s okay if you want to talk about your identity crisis here. This is your space.

  5. Rambunctious WhipperSnapper August 27, 2008 at 4:19 am #

    q: Why is it that I only write about being gay? Is that all there is to my life?
    a: pretty much

    q:Why can I not cry?:
    a: well dunno about you, but i can’t cry because i am dead inside. Maybe you need to get that checked or something.

  6. newreader October 23, 2013 at 10:59 pm #

    That sinking feeling on leaving Ma behind, wanting to hold on to her tightly and telling her to take good care of herself. Because I love her more than anything else in the world, and because I live for her more than I do for my own sake- so each time you think about dying early and i exactly know why and how think about her she wouldn’t be happy and believe me i mean reading your experiences here let me tell you , you are far more lucky then you consider yourself to be. 🙂

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