The Line of Beauty’s latest post truly left me wondering. You may not understand this, and nor would those around me, but I honestly do. Who am I? With what purpose do I live? Do I know myself? How much do I care? Will it always be this way?
Only a few minutes ago, KT messged me saying that she always wanted to be with me, even after college. She said that she wanted to “cry when you marry, crack jokes about you with your husband, have a fight over your child’s name…”
Reading that message, I felt sick. I don’t know if she’s being childish or delusional. But the thought of everything that completes one’s life, and the thought of everything that I’ll never have, left me wondering. Wondering about where exactly I plan to see myself in 10 years from now. About what exactly I plan to be doing when I’m ageing and single, at 40. Will I survive till 40? Or will this identity crisis force me to call it quits beforehand?
Presently, I can blend with those around me, as we plan where it is that we plan to see ourselves 2 years from now, at the end of college. But in another 7, when they plan marriages and children, where will I stand? One long road of loneliness. Maybe I’ll be standing hand-in-hand with another guy. A romance. How long will he stay? There would be more after him, possibly. And them? There are a few fish out there for me, no doubt, but they’re in an ocean. I cannot hope for miracles, because miracles aren’t called so without reason.
I stand here trapped in an identity that doesn’t seem mine, and I wonder how much longer I will be able to live this charade before I’m exposed. To the world and to myself.
… Maybe I’ll be standing hand-in-hand with another guy. A romance. How long will he stay? There would be more after him, possibly…
So even in a hypothetical situation, you’re a whore?
Not that there is anything wrong with that.
I was missing rambws’s posts. But here I find him in his true self. LOLz!
My advice, don’t worry too much. And coming from me, you can’t believe it!
It’s trite but I’ll say it anyway: Live for now, the future will take care of itself.
whippy: u mean u aren’t?
I second D. All you have is “NOW”. All happy moments of Now will definately take for other things. Cheers.
*Ramby
I’m glad you feel that way.
*D
Yes, I am living for now! Trying to take every advantage out of it. But in the society that we live in, I suppose we only ever live for the future, do we not? There’s no such thing as the present.
You been drinking again?
KT sounds to me like she has not got over you. So she’s trying to imagine herself as an inherent part of your life. Reality check, anyone?
Why do we need to live for the future? The future will never be.
The past is like a frikin grave. What choice do we have except jacking the present?
Anyhoo, I’m not qualified to give an advice anyway. So I’ll just point and laugh at the t-shirt you were wearing today.
Thank you Random, I often wonder the exact same thing!
*Ramby
I was wearing my Just Cavalli today… Screw you
Can’t say I haven’t feared the very same possibilities every breathing minute of my life for the past 3-4 years (I forget how many exactly). At least you’re lucky you have a great gang of people to tell you to live for the moment. I had to learn that the hard way.
I won’t add anything to that cos I really don’t know myself what’s to come. Guess we’ll have to wait and watch.
Of course you feel uncertain about the future. The future IS uncertain: it holds secrets we cannot possibly imagine. Think about the future only to evaluate the consequences of today’s actions, but never try to imagine what future will bring for you. What you will see is just an extention of what your life is like today. Life now!
Maybe you should try diving instead of fishing, then you’ll see a lot more fishes and you’ll see them in their their natural habitat. It’s the first step in becoming a fish yourself.
nicely put!!
ah.. the eternal question .. ‘who am i’
agreed, identifying with something gives us a sense of belonging and provides a purpose/direction to life.. (as you said.. marriage.. children.. ) but at the same time, it also demands one to abide by the general rules of the group..and kills the endless possibilities..
could this urge to find identity be overrated. may be ‘who am i’ is a question to be asked when we are dying and if we know we are.. we certainly will be in a better judge of our actions at that time, given we can’t change much of it..
are we really asking ‘who i want to be?’